Sunday, May 5, 2013

Things I didn't know

There are a lot of things I didn't know before I had Joshua. I knew some women would have stillborns and have their water brake early. I had read about them. But I never thought it would be me. Especially since after the first trimester the risk of losing a baby is like 2%. So I was suppose to be in the safe zone. I was suppose to be ok. Joshua was suppose to be ok. But there are things I didn't know.

I didn't know how badly it would hurt or how much it would change my life and the way I think to loose a child.

I didn't know that not having enough of some vitamins can cause the bag of water to break.

I didn't know that after your water brakes that early that you can go on into labor. I had only read stories of women laying in bed for months and then the babies needing NICU time. It's not until you google pPROM complications that you find those stories.

I didn't know you could keep loving someone you never met until their death.

I didn't know you could miss someone who you never spent time with while they were alive.

I didn't realize I was due the Monday before Mothers Day. I didn't realize I was due the day after National Bereaved Mothers Day. I didn't know there was a Bereaved Mother's Day.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and enjoy throwing up more. Enjoy rubbing my belly more. Tell the kids sooner. Tell my family sooner. I thought I was doing good by not telling a lot of people before the 12 weeks were up, that way of I miscarried I would not have to explain to a bunch of people what happened. But really I deprived them time to connect. I knew Joshua was a boy for 2 weeks before we announced it. I again deprived everyone the chance to connect with him as a little boy. I told everyone just 13 days before his birth. People only had 7 weeks to connect with him as a baby and 13 day to connect with him as a Brother, a nephew, a grandson, a baby boy. It all seems crazy now to do things the way we did. The way most people do.

Let people in on your secrets. Let people in on your happiness as well as your sadness and grief. Let people celebrate with you, let others be happy with you don't hide it. It's not just about babies but about just life. Things go wrong, so rejoice in what you have while you have it. It's not that you don't know what you have until its gone, simply that you didn't think what you Had you could ever be taken away.

1 comment:

  1. This is a beautiful post, really beautiful. The last paragraph especially hit home. I am so sorry (once again) for your loss, and I wish you peace today and all days.