I really thought that once my due date came and went that I would start feeling better. Or I would at least not feel as bad. But that hasn't happened. I now just feel tired, angry and some days lost all of the time. It's like taking off a band aid.
At first loosing Joshua was like ripping off a bandaid. It hurt intensely, but instead of the pain going away it was like as soon as I would think the sting was gone another would be ripped off. After a while the pain came in waves. Like ripping a band aid off as hard and fast as you can multiple times a day, but there were moments without the pain and moments I smiled, dare I say laughed.
Maybe it's because this week has been so hard. Due date, Mother's Day, Started my cycle. But lately all day feels like a slow pull at a bandaid. The pain is not as intense as when you rip it off. But it last all day. A dull ache that never goes away, An ache I can't get relief from, a constant feeling of someone missing or lost. It's a horrible feeling and its stuck on me all day. I don't see how anyone can be in a good mood after feeling like that.
Tomorrow is Mother's Day. And I have 6 wonderful reasons to celebrate. So I'm getting up early and making my kids breakfast. That may seem backwards, you may be thinking that on Mother's Day my kids should be making me breakfast right? Well yes, I'm their mother and I gave them life so I should be honored. That's the way this holiday works. But instead tomorrow I'm going to do for them because they are my children. Without them I would not be a mother. They are the reason I get to celebrate Mother's Day. So I'm going to let tomorrow be about them not about me.