Other people's kids

There are very few kids that aren't my own that I like. I don't mean it in a bad way really I just don't like other people's small kids. There are a few exceptions to the rule and if I have ever babysat your child then I really love your child. I've grown attached to some. But for the most part kids annoy me. And I bet that's a shock seeing as I have 6 children. But my children no matter how annoying they are it's ok and I can handle it and I still like every bit of them more and love them more everyday. I use to keep nursery and would find reasons to not go to church when it was my turn I just didn't like doing it. That's probably why I didn't last long at the daycare either.

I've had a few friends have babies since Joshua died. It's confusing for me to say the least. I can't stay in the room with 5 month olds because Joshua was born 5 months ago. I can't say in the room with newborns because Joshua should be a new born. But I share in the joy of the women I know who have become and will become mothers soon. No matter if its for the 1st or 20th time. I share in that joy. I am so excited when a baby is born alive and healthy (or even mostly healthy) to know that, that family will not endure the heartache that i have felt brings me deep joy. I see these baby's pictures and I'm so glad they are ok. I see the mothers and I see how happy they are and I know that's the way it's suppose to be. I'm not mad at anyone for having a healthy baby that has never been an emotion I have felt to other moms and babies. I do however feel jealous that I didn't get what they have. I feel cheated that my time with Joshua was so cut short. But I'm glad I can separate that and still be happy for my friends who have these new babies.

I don't know when I will be able to hold a new baby again. I think if I was faced with it right now I would freak out and run. But luckily no one that lives really close has had a baby yet. And I refuse to keep the nursery, so no problem there.

Grief is such a long road one I'm not sure has an end. It had a lot of hill and curves. But if you let God lead you. You will end up on the other side of grief with a better understanding of who you are and what you were made for. I think I'm getting to the point where I know. But that's not the end I think it's still at the beginning.