A headstone

We are finally going to order Joshua's headstone. I'm calling tomorrow to set up a day. It will probably be Saturday. I'm really nervous, because I'm not sure how I'm going to cope. I know it's going to be hard. But it's something that needs to be done. I hate going out there and not having his place marked with his name. On the other hand I know having his name in stone is going to make it set in even Farther. Everything seems so final. I don't want things final. After the headstone that's it. There's nothing left for me to do. And that makes me so sad.
I keep making diapers and putting his name out there. So people know. So no one forgets. I talk about him less though. I don't feel the need to talk about him all the time anymore. I don't get stressed when I go in public or see people anymore. I do ok in crowds but I still rather not be in them. I don't however like to meet new people. They don't know about Joshua. It's not something I want to tell them but again I feel like its apart of who I am and I want everyone to know he was here. I find it hard to answer when people ask how many kids I have. Jason says to answer 5 to people who we won't be seeing again or who won't be in our lives regularly. Or to answer 5 living and leave the rest for later to people we my be spending time with later. Like people at church. I just feel like 5 is a lie. And I don't want to lie or hide Joshua. It just hurts to answer 6 because when they ask the ages I have to tell them that he's gone. And it hurts, to say 5.

I am a mother to 6 children.