A way to say goodby

I'm not really sure if I will ever completely say goodby to Joshua. But I am well so many things and feeling leading up to his due date. First I'm scared. Even though I know I would have had him by now because I have my babies on the earlier side. Still that date is one that is in my head as a count down. I'm scared to get to it. Knowing that if I had made it to that day he would have been perfectly healthy and full term. 2nd I'm excited. I know that may seem out if place but May 6th has been running in my head since December 13th so in a way it's like a finish line. I'm not sure how I'm going to do crossing that line I hope I feel more relief in place of all the anxiety I have about it now. And I hope in a way I can say a better bigger goodby to more grief.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do that day. It's a Monday Jason will have to work the kids will be in school. I will probably stay home and cry. I've thought about what I should do for his would be birthday. I've thought about cake and celebrate instead of being completely sad but that makes me feel worse. I've thought about taking some lanterns to the beach and releasing them, I've thought about releasing some balloons at his grave. Anything I do will be the weekend before. The beach would be Saturday te grave would be Sunday. I think if I should take the kids with me and I think it would help them as well.

I wish there was a how to guide. But the reality is that it's different for everyone. No one does grief the same. I just don't understand why this has to be so hard.