A couple nights ago I had a very vivid dream. Joshua was Alive, but I had given him up for Adoption. It was a very painful dream and felt very real.
I had him at the hospital with me and them had no choice but to leave him there. Well that part was the same. Then I saw him with his adoptive parents And I could only look from a window I couldn't get to him. I couldn't hold him and it hurt so much.
When I woke up I wondered "is that how birth moms feel?" " do they feel the pain like I do everyday?" I know it's different. Birth parents (most of them) make a choice and decide to make an adoption plan for their child. They choose not to parent and the choose not to be selfish. Because really adoption is a selfless act of kindness. But in the end the birth mom is still left without the baby she carried and that is the same. It takes an amazingly strong person to choose that and I am not one of those strong people. I could never do what those women choose to do. But in my dream I did and in my dream the pain was just as real as the pain I feel. And it was so real that when I woke up I had to think a minute about where I was , then realizing it was a dream and Joshua is still gone. Still in heaven with his "adoptive" parents. Who I imagine are his great grandparents taking care of him until I can. I may not have had a choice on Joshua leaving here, leaving me and our family to be apart of another place, but I do know that one day we will be together again and on that day I won't hurt anymore. I will feel whole again.