Today has been one of those days where I just really miss my baby. When I just want a glimpse of him somewhere. Where I just want to hold him and smell his sweet baby smell. I went to drop Collin off at the church to go to camp since the cemetery is 1/2 a mile up the road I turned left instead of right and went to see him. The headstone is not there yet. I didn't expect it to be yet. My flowers are still there and the grass had just been cut. I sat for a few minutes and talked to him, then left. Leaving him never gets easier and always feels so wrong. I could go everyday but it just doesn't get easier. I don't believe it ever will.
I cried a lot today. I thought about all he dreams I had for him and how different everything is now than it would have been had Joshua lived. I thought about everything that has happened in the past 6 months and my conclusion is it has Sucked. I'm trying for it not to suck so bad and for life to be normal. Even if normal is not what it was 6 months ago. I'm trying to show my children that I'm here still and trying to "move forward" but never moving on. Never forgetting.