Visits

I visit Joshua often. Most times I'm alone. We also go as a family after church most Sundays, but those visits are short and spent making sure my older children don't run off. I like to go alone and just sit. It's strange how peaceful a cemetery can be. I've never spent much time in one before so maybe that's why I haven't  realized it, but I can sit there in silence and hear the most amazing sounds. The wind blowing, the birds, laughter. Yes laughter. There are a few other babies buried where Joshua is and I have some great friends that have babies in heaven as well. I imagine them playing together watching over us. Sending us rainbows. I sometimes when it's really quite can close my eyes and picture what he would have looked like and sound like laughing. I can't imagine him as a baby though. I'm not sure why. When I dream of him he's roughly 5 years old. Maybe because that's the age when they are the most full of life and laughter. Not yet in school, not really a big kid, but not a baby either. Such a sweet innocent age to be. Just beginning to understand a little of life. I wish I could capture his laugh but I can't. I leave my visits with him mostly in tears. I never feel like I've spent enough time with him there, and now with school being out for summer it's even less. But one day I will get to be with him and see him laugh. One day I will be the one that makes him giggle. Until then his friends and family in heaven will watch him for me. And I will listen.