Times are getting hard around here. I know my children are ok and in heaven. But we should be celebrating Joshua's first birthday. We are just a few weeks away from my due date with him and that means a week later marks a year since I found myself pregnant again with my girls. I don't have Joshua and I don't have my girls either. Sometimes that pisses me off so badly, sometimes it makes me really sad, and sometimes dare I say I am actually ok, because I know that Jesus is taking better care of them than I ever could.
Our pastor preached on trusting Jesus with every part of our lives. I struggle with that so much. I trusted and my baby died. I decided that God had so much more in store for me. I didn't let it go or move on but I felt like I had an understanding that I still needed to trust that everything would be ok. When I found out I was pregnant with twins I felt like that was Gods plan. His bigger plan for me that I couldn't see when Joshua died. Put that wasn't it. Hope's water broke and then Faith's and then they were born far too early to live. They were just as perfect as Joshua was. I couldn't Trust Him any more, I couldn't lose another child, I couldn't put my family through it again. I took matters into my own hands and made sure I wouldn't get pregnant again.
For my mental well being in all my humanness I did the right thing. But was it right in God's eyes? Was that the plan for my life? I didn't trust Him to make that choice for me. I didn't trust Him enough to carry me through another pregnancy or another loss.
I'm not the same person I was a year ago when the test was positive. I'm not the same person I was 8 months ago when my girls were born. Or 9 months ago when I decided to take things into my own hands. I have a better understanding of what trusting God in all areas of life looks like. It looks nothing like what I thought. There is less worry and less mess in my life.
I am everyday Thankful for the gift of life God entrusted me with when he gave me my 8 children. I kept them safe for as long as he has allowed, some of that time has been far shorter than I ever imagined. However I must trust that God knows better even still. That God is good all of the time. Even when I am hurting, even when I don't understand that he is still good All Of The Time.