I can't believe you would be three years old. I sit and wonder about you all of the time. There are days I sit at my desk at work and wonder how I am alive with out you.
I decided not to take your birthday off. I decided I would be ok for 5 hrs of work and that I would be able to have some me time in there since I work mostly alone. I sit here on the eve of your day and realize that was a dumb decision. I almost didn't make it through today. I want to know what you would look like, I want to know what you would sound like, I want to know what all your favorite things are. And yet I never will. I am heart broken everytime I think about all the things I will never know about you. I don't know how to explain this pain except that it is a crushing weight. I miss you and I want you with me. I barely even had the chance to have you before you were taken from me. Little things I'll never get to do for you. Simple things we will never say to each other. My coping skills need to be in point tomorrow. One way or another I'll make it though. I'll smile like I haven't been crying all day and I will sit at my desk and pretend I'm not devistated that on your third birthday I'll visit the grave yard instead of the toy store.
I love you guys so much. One day I'll get to see you and hold you close. The way a mother should hold her children. Until then I'll do the best I can. I'll live each day as it comes and try not to get overwhelmed. I'll smile and nod when people say all the wrong things and I will cherish the moments and memories I have with you.
You will always be my baby Girls,
Love, Mom
