Regrets

I have regrets over some parts of my life, like not going back to school after Maddie was born. I felt the need to work and provide for her instead. I wish I had realized that school would have helped both of us. I regret not taking a stern stand when I knew I was in labor with Aden 8 weeks early but the dumb on call told me to take a chill pill.

 I regret not starting out home schooling my children. They love their schools and I wouldn't take them out now. Even Haleigh who is now in kindergarten is attached to her school and her wonderful teacher. I still wish I would have home schooled them. 

There are very few things I would do differently with my Angels. There are some pictures I have of the girls that I don't have of Joshua that I wish I would have taken. And with the girls I think it's more I felt and still feel incomplete. Almost like their time was not meant to be up. I know God doesn't make mistakes though so I know it was their im time. 

I would never change having them though. Even though the past 2 years ( I found out 2 years ago that I was pregnant with Joshua) have been a nightmare I would still chose to be their mother. 

I do wish I would not have been in such a deep grief these past 2 years. It's almost like I wasn't even here. And some days it's still that way. I can't remember a lot if things that happened, I wish I could redo the past 2 years with out the pain.

My Haleigh started school. Today was her 4th day. She's all smiles and giggles about it. And that's wonderful. I wish I would have been able to teach her more last year. I wish I could remember her last year at home with me full time. But I don't. All I remember is pain. 

Acting 101

I was never really interested in becoming a star. I know I liked to sing and dance when I was little. But I never wanted to act. Now I put on a show an act everyday. 

Every morning when I get up, I don't want to, but I don't have a choice. I drag myself out of bed and take a shower. Washing the tears from the night before away with the new ones that are forming. The rest of the day is like a balancing act of emotions. Breakfast... Don't cry.... Cleaning.... Hide tears ..... Lunch ...... Smile..... Laugh..... Don't cry ...... Cleaning.... More tears ....  Play with the kids ...... Don't think.... Don't cry ...... Don't cry...... Bath time..... Don't think just do...... Dinner.... Blame crying on onions...... Movie ...... Blame crying on sad part or really funny part. Bed time.... Made it through another day with out you. Wonder how much longer I can smile. Wonder how it's possible to hurt so much and still live. Try not to wonder who you would be now and fail at that so more tears. 

.......... Repeat everyday.