2016

Joshua's birthday was 2 weeks ago. I hurt on his day. We took him blue and white flowers and I spent the day in a hole. I made Oreo Truffles instead of a cake and we sung happy birthday. And I cried... A lot.... I miss him ... A lot. I miss him more that I ever thought you could miss another person. I just wish I could hold his hand for a little while. Or run my fingers through his hair. 

We are 4 hours from the start of the new year. I'm excited about what God has planned for my family. I don't like the thought on New Years resolution but I do love having goals. 

My sister, mom and I have been making diapers and supplied our hospital along with a few others with Teen Tear diapers. And my sister has made a contact with the funeral home that we use. Apparently a lot of moms use them. They contacted her about getting diapers for the babies that come in without anything. We found out what hospital the babies come from that don't have anything. We are working on getting diapers in the hospital and at the funeral home. We want all babies to have these diapers! 

So one goal for the year is to have this done.

Second goal is a support group. This is something I've been thinking about and thinking about starting a nonprofit organization for. But with some input I think it may fit inside a nonprofit that already exists. 

Third a job. One that will allow me to be involved in the nonprofits that are doing amazing work and allow me to be with God and my family more than the job I have now. I've been praying and I believe he's opening doors for me. I just have to be patient and faithful.  

Non-Understanding

Is that a word? Maybe it's two as in Not Understanding. Maybe there is another word. Nomally you put "un" in front of something to show its opposite of what you're trying so say. Unapologetic = not apologetic. Un-sportsmanlike = bad attitude. But it's not Un-understanding. And this type is not confusion, or maybe it is. Maybe it's the lack of knowledge to know better. To do better. Maybe it's just mankind being Un-kind. Maybe I am less understanding of people who don't get it. 

This is the same as when people as how you are. They don't really wanna know. And you say anything more than "ok or making it" and you get strange looks. Well you asked! So when, you ask someone "why" or if someone tells you "I promise you, you don't wanna know" believe them. There are things that happen to people that you don't wanna know about. You may think you do. But honestly you don't. 

Day 3

In Honor 

Day 2

Intentions 

#captureyourgrief #day2 #intentions  #whathealsyou I intend to live my life full of love and laughter. My babies have taught me just how frail life can be, no waiting for tomorrow, no saving happiness for later. We are here now, we are alive and my story isn't over yet. It didn't end when my children died. As hard as it is to live without them, I know I must. I must finish my story.

Capture your grief Day 1

Sunrise 

Capture your Grief 2015

For Emi

There are no words to say that will express the amount of sadness I've felt the past few days. I'm Heartbroken for my sister as she yet again lays a baby to rest. Emi is my Niece. She was born on July 23,2015. She weighed 14.25 ounces and was so beautiful.

I had pretty much ended this blog. The more I thought of Emi, Meredith, Hope, Faith and Joshua over the past few days made me want Emi to have her place here too. So I'm keeping her memory here, along with my babies and her sister so they can all be remembered together.

I've also decided to update when we make moves in the baby loss community. donations as well as fundraising for Children will be blogged here.  However I still feel I've moved on from blogging so much of my emotions.

Twins

I have never been around a lot of twins. When I was growing up in the late 80s early 90s twins were not as common as they are now. Haleigh had 2 kids in her class alone with a twin this year. I hadn't realized how many twins were at her school. Now think, she goes to a city school. Rather small compared to neighboring district schools. There are roughly 200 kids in each grade. Haleigh is in kindergarten. At graduation (last Tuesday) they decided to bring out a set of twins who were getting ready to graduate high school and ask all the twins graduating kindergarten to stand beside them, to show what 12 years looks like. All I could think then and even now is how I have twins and no one will ever see them up there set apart from others because they are a twin. There were 5 sets in our group or graduates. We had the 7pm time slot. The other 1/2 of kindergarten graduated at 5pm with another 4 sets of twins. Add that together. 9 yes, 9 sets of twins in Haleigh's grade. 18 kids who have a twin. Heck that's a whole class by themselves.

I looked at them and it sent me back. Remembering how I felt expecting twins and then how I felt knowing they would never have a kindergarten graduation and with the older ones standing there with the younger ones. Knowing they will never get there either. I wanted to shout that I am missing my twins. But, I didnt. I sat there and smiled at my little girl. The youngest living child I have. I watched her sing and dance and be happy. And while nothing will ever take away the pain of losing my babies, and nothing will ever replace them. I looked at my daughter and I had a calm wash over me. Telling me, you made it. It's ok. Be at peace and rest.

And for that I think it's time. Time to end the blog. I won't take it down and I may even post little letters on their birthdays. This blog was such a life line to me. And I will be forever greatful for it, I don't need it anymore. Sometime I even feel like I am drowning when I write here now. That's how I know. It's time. The time I needed to write everything down and cry it out is over. The time to go foward and leave this here is now.


End....

Life

Sometimes I don't even know what to title these post anymore.
Sometimes I feel like I'm writing the same stuff over and over.
Sometimes I feel like no one wants to hear me.
Sometimes I feel like I should be getting to a place where I don't need this.
Sometimes I feel like I should be happier.

Life keeps going and I can't make it stop.
Life gets in the way when we want it to go as planned.
A jumbled up mess is what's left.
Hiding from life, staying inside.
Not an option.
Get up, get dressed, smile.... Repeat.
And so goes the day.

Somedays I just miss them and my heart hurts.
Somedays I just want to sit and hold them.
Somedays I wish I could get another day.
Somedays I wonder what your laugh would sound like.
What our days would be like, how your eyes would shine.
   And I miss you.

Don't forget

There are times when I sit still and wonder if I'm the only one that remembers they existed. I walk around with pieces of myself missing and I wonder if anyone realizes how broken I am. Dose anyone care anymore. Have they been forgotten by everyone but me. 

And then God sends me an Angel. Someone who reminds me that I am not alone. It never fails to come when I need it the most. And yesterday that Angel was my sister, who was at the beach and thought of my children. 

She knows how much it means that she remembers them. 

So a reminder to everyone everywhere. 

Speak their names, it's not going to upset us. We want to hear their names, see them written. We never thought we wouldn't get the chance to speak their names forever. You will not remind us that they are gone. We never forget they are missing. 

 

Recovery at 2 weeks

My hystorectomy was 2 weeks and 4 days ago. I am recovering really well. Better than when I had my tubes tied even. It feels much like a natural delivery recovery. So I have to remind myself that I had major surgery.  

I saw my doctor on Thursday he said my incisions look real good. All of my test came back good and I'm tired all the time because I'm recovering. He explained that just because I wasn't cut wide open and didn't have a long hospital stay doesn't mean I didn't have a major surgery. He removed an organ that I was born with and I need to act like it. 

So over the last few days I've taken more naps, and rested as much as I can. And I'm not as tired or sore. My soreness isn't really pain but he said to take my Motrin for the soreness and it's helped me relax and sleep at night. 

On another note I also got my BRACA test results back. Since my mother has Breast cancer I now have Cancer on both sides of my family. That qualified me to have my insurance pay for the test. I will say I was nervous. I am however happy to announce I am Negative. I will have to be watched closer. Since my mom has Cancer I have a 1 in 5 chance of having it in my life time. With no family history its 8%. And if I had the gene it would have been 4 in 5. I feel beyond blessed to not have the gene. He said while my mom and sisters have a slight chance of still having the gene knowing that I don't should relax everyone, and it has. And I am able to tell my daughters they do not have the gene. 

And lastly we went to see our new baby Echo today. We can't wait to bring him home in 2 weeks. 

Nights

Ah 1am we meet again. There have been so many mornings I have been up at this hour. If you can name it I bet there has been at least one time it was for that.

A. Young and dumb. 

B. Labor

C. Kids

D. Working

E. Traveling 

F. Sick

G. Pain

And the list goes on. So what is it tonight. Well I don't know. Our days are getting busier. Ball season started and I have found myself in the middle of my recovery needing to be so many places at once. My body needs me to be in bed and in fighting with it. I drove to the bank yesterday. I didn't really have another option. Today I drove Landon to ball practice because again I didn't really have another option. I still drive as little as possible but I'm not suppose to be driving at all until Thursday. I'm not in a ton of pain but after I drive i feel it. A tugging. I'm pushing it I know, but not too much . I had this surgery in part to help me be a better mother. Spending 2 weeks out of the month laid up with cramps is over. I just need to recover enough to be able to go outside this spring and plant flowers with my kids. Throw the ball and teach them how to catch the pop ups. My body needs a little more time, but it's getting there. 

After driving and showering tonight I was having some pain so I took 1/2 a pain pill and it keeps me awake. I know so many people that it makes sleepy but me. Nope hyped up. I could clean my whole house right now.... Except no I can't I am recovering from major surgery and I will take it easy. It's much easier to recover right the first time than to have to have another surgery to repair damage when you over do it. No thank you! 

On a side note. 

We are getting a new reason to be up late. A new puppy. I male boxer. We are supper excited. 2 weeks and he will be coming home. 

No excuse

It's been a while I know. I have no excuse for not updating my blogs, I was just not in a place where I could write. 

With the passing of Joshua's 2nd birthday I was hit with feelings that I didn't know how to describe or handle. I know death is a finale experience. But Everything had been so in the now and then it seemed Joshua's death was in my past. I didn't like it. I still don't. I don't know when it happened but I realized it when he turned 2. All of my baby loss is now in the past. It's not my future. It's not in the now. It's what was. And that scared me. So I did what I do and hid. Yup I hid. I stopped going to the cemetery. I stopped writing and I started telling people I have 5 kids again instead of saying "5 living".  

Over the past month I started to deal with those feelings and others and I am now at a place where I can write again. 

So what's up over here. 

I am still working at the church as the Children's Director.  We've been working really hard to put together a great team and develop a plan for the year. 

My children are happy and healthy as is Jason. 

Our insurance company got a good yelling at. When Joshua was born. The lady that was over that department said she added him in case the hospital billed anything under his name. They didn't. We've tried to take him off, but the kept asking for his death certificate. We don't have one. So about a year ago I gave up. In November I was sent a letter stating that they needed birth certificates and ssnumbers for all of us. If I didn't send them we'd be dropped and I would owe a fine when we filled taxes. I thought "well he will come off now". When I didn't send his in they extended the deadline.... Twice. So I called and I was passed from one person to the next and apologized to probably 50 times, before they finally said they had it taken care of. Ok finally! Well he was still there but I was not calling back. Jason then got called into HR this week. They demanded a Ss# for him. Jason politely told her that Joshua didn't have one and to check his file. She got rude. Lied and said it was against the law to not have a child a ss#. Said she would call CPS since we had never used the insurance for him and never bothered taking him to the dr. Jason was irate at that point and honestly I think he was in shock because that lady is still alive. Jason stood up got his file and pulled out the letter from my doctor stating that Joshua was born at under 20 weeks, and never inflated his lungs and therefore  under Alabama law was not issued a birth certificate, death certificate or a SS#. Jason said he has never seen someone apologize as much as she did. He had filed a complaint with the HR director for her behavior. I'm glad I wasn't there. We'd be looking for work. 

Last week I had a complete hysterectomy. I've been having a lot of issues and since I can't have any more kids and my blood count was finally good enough for surgery we went for it. I was so sick after surgery that I had to stay longer than expected in the hospital. However I've been doing very well in my recovery. I've had less pain than when I had my tubal. I do have to be careful because I don't want to hurt myself by over doing it. I have an online support group and the women who over do it have so many long term issues and some need another surgery to repair what they messed up. No thank you. I will just take it easy. 

Well that's it. Nothing to impressive. I promise to update more often. 

Till next time.