Carefree Moments

I had time to think today.

 Somedays are so busy I don't have anytime  to think at all. I like it that way. When I have time to sit back and really think (like today), my mind drifts to moments. Moments that I can't go back to, but that I long for. Some that are sad to those on the outside of the world I live in. Like the last few minutes that I held my son, clutching his tiny body in my arms and kissing his face, with tears rolling down my face. That's the moment my heart broke, but it's also a time I miss. I miss feeling him in my arms. You wouldn't think 10 ounces was a lot until it's all you have and then it's everything. I poured all my love into him in the few hours I had with him. 

I have had very few carefree moments since that day. I actually can't think of any time when I have been completely care free since my water broke with him. 

2 years ago however we were in Disney World. Having a carefree vacation. Joking that this was the 3rd time I had been to Disney pregnant. We told Jason's family that weekend that we were expecting a boy.  We told our kids too. But kept it a secret for a few more days from everyone else when we had our party.

These carefree moments have been replaced by grief and nightmares. These aren't the nightmares of having someone chase after you or going to school necked. These are more memory related nightmares. Where your children are take. And you can't reach them. No matter what you do you can't get to them. Waking up from nightmares is normally a relief, but when you're living it waking up is as bad as the dream it self. 

It's hard to wrap my head around the fact that it's been 2 years. When you're in the moment you don't think about "how will this feelin two years?". But, two years later I can say It feels like my baby just died. I can feel his weight like bricks on my heart and I am drowning in pain. My head is underwater and I can get up, I'm screaming and no one can hear me.  

This part of grief gets better, or at least it comes and goes. So that most days I can breathe. Until it gets close. Closer to a time when I can remember 2 years ago today I ....... And he was here. 2 years ago I felt him moving around, saw him on the screen, heard his heart beating at 134 Bpm. 2 years ago he was alive. His life was growing, flourishing inside of me. Where all but 3 beautiful minutes of his life were spent. 

My mind drifts to my girls. The twins I dreamed of for years. The perfect babies that were to be my rainbows, but we're not actually meant to be. I always feel like I messed up with them somewhere. Like I was given this chance to have it all and I screwed up. But I can't seem to actually point to what I did wrong exactly. I miss them just as badly, but my life has already turned into a pile of grief before they were born, that it was somehow easier to get through the days. The fact that I had already begun to grieve them before they died was not lost on me. I hoped and prayed for them to survive, but I knew. Mothers usually do. Fathers too, Jason knew. I worried leaving the hospital still pregnant, that I would have one baby at home and traumatize my self and everyone else in our home. But I wanted to give them the chance at life so I did. Of course I made it back to the hospital to have them. Made it easier to not have them at home, easier to bond and then say goodbye. 

I don't know if I will ever truly have another carefree moment, or restful night sleep. I do know however that I will always think of them and what could have been. 

Thankfulness

Every year except this one I have taken part of the 30 days of thankfulness. Where every day in for the month of November you post what you are thankful for. 

This year I'm not going to lie. I have just been pretty depressed. It's not that I don't have lots to be thankful for. I do. I am also pretty happy. I've come to realize that you can be both depressed and happy. Depressed doesn't equal sad. And sad doesn't equal depressed. Not all the time anyway. 

I've become someone who likes herself. I like getting up and taking the kids to school and then I am content to spend the entire day in bed with a book. While that sounds great for a brake now and then it's actually lead to a lot of sleeping. And a lot of not so productive days. It doesn't help that my iron levels have plummeted leaving me feeling weak and tired day after day. 

So I've decided to make myself dress everyday. And leave the house. It's worked but left me with headaches and tiredness like I haven't felt in years. I'm thinking that part in the low levels of iron in my blood. Luckily I have an upcoming doctors appointment where I'm hoping to work all this out. 

Anyway I decided to do my 30 days of thankfulness in one day. So here I go. 

1. My husband 

2. My parents 

3. My sisters 

4. My Brother in laws

5. My 8 children

6. Jason job 

7. My church family

8. My children's teachers 

9. I friends that I have never met 

10. My support group

11. My pastor 

12. My OBGYN 

13. The Labor and Delivery staff at Mobile Infermary 

14. Freedom 

15. A home 

16. Heat 

17. Having enough food 

18. Medicines

19. Transportation 

20. Love 

21. Coffee 

22. Bible

23. Health 

24. Being able to be a stay at home mom 

25. Worshipping the Lord with children every week. 

26. Layaway 

27. My 4 neices and 1Nephew 

28. Education 

29. The staff of Forest Lawn Cematery 

30. Peace, forgiveness, grace, faith, hope. 

To Meredith

Today is a day I invisioned being different than it is. Today should have been your birthday. Today is the day that you would have been born, had things been different. There are so many things I invisioned this day being when your mama told me about you. Today was going to be a day of Joy, happiness, laughter, excitement, healing, and pain. However God called you home so soon, that today all if that is replaced with simple longing for what should have been. 

I know you are ok baby girl. I know you sit with my children, in the arms of Jesus. I think of how perfect it is for you there and it makes me smile. You never felt an ounce of the pain on this world. But still I miss you. Your mom and dad shared the few hours they had with you with me.  I am so glad I got to hold you and kiss your sweet face. I know they miss you too, one day baby girl, one day our family will be whole. We will walk together in heaven, telling you stories and making all the memories we wanted to share with you. Until then I will speak your name and keep you tucked in my heart forever. 

I love you Meredith. 

  Aunt Crystal 

When I get there.

I went to see you today. It was cold. Reminded me of when you were born. I can't believe it's been almost 2 years. I find myself missing parts of those years and wondering where I was when those memories were being made. I was there of course, but most of the time things happen around me and while I am trying to focus on the moments I'm still thinking of you. Of how it should be. How it would be. How you would be. There is no part of me that doesn't want you still. I think the hardest part is realizing that I don't know how long this life without you is. Are my days on earth short or long? Who will go before me and get to hold you? When will I get there?  

Some may say, I shouldn't think like that. But I say, why not? I have so much in heaven just waiting on me. And so much on earth counting on me to be here. I still have Gods work to do on earth before I can move on to worship in heaven. But what a glorious day it will be when all if my tears are wiped away ad I stand before the Lord and he knows my name. How wonderful it will be when I'm at the gates of heaven and they open wide for me, and on the other side stand my children with open arms waiting, for me to join them in heavens grace. 

Healing

Maybe it's time. Maybe this year is going to be the year I can be happy and excited about Christmas again.  I hope it is. I am excited now. Exited in a way I remember from years ago, before.... The me from before loved Christmas. She decorated every thing. She sang while she cooked. She smiled and laughed. The past 2 years have been difficult. There were times I wanted to give up and there were nights I begged Jason to skip Christmas. I didn't want to celebrate anything. I felt alone and abandoned. I didn't want to decorate. I didn't want to sing. I actually cried while cooking and spent a lot of time at the cematery. This year feels different. This year feels full and brighter. This year I may put in effort that I haven't been able to find in 2 years. 

I hope I can hold on to these feelings. Joshua will be 2 soon. 2 years. Seems unreal that it's been that long! 

The list

There are so many things that have  become hard to do over the past couple years. Sometimes I can avoid them or ignore them. Other times they hit me in face unexpectedly. 

1. Making shopping list- for over a year I've been winging my shopping and forgetting much needed supplies. The night my water with Hope broke I was making a huge shopping list and clipping coupons. I don't clip coupons anymore. 

2. Driving. I should be driving a huge van or SUV. just for the car seat. I drive a car..... I don't want to be faced with empty seats where my children should be. 

3. Newborns & Kids who are the ages my kids should be. (So basically any under 2)  There are very few babies I am comfortable holding. I do not apologize for that. 

4. Laughter. This one is so hard. I'm happy and feel guilty about it. I should just lay in bed all day. And ya know what. There are some days that I don't get out of the bed at all. And that is ok. But I have to remind myself that being happy and laughing is ok and I am not doing anything wrong, by laughing. 

5. Baby Shampoo. I don't know what it is about the smell of baby shampoo that makes me crave more and then cry but it does. 

Forever

I didn't keep up with the Capture your grief 2014 challenge this year.... That's a lie.... Actually I did. However I was not compelled to share. I was not in the mind set to open up this year. Why? Well who knows. Grief is such a confusing experience that never ends. 

When Johua Died I didn't have much experience with death. Actually that's not true. I had experience with death, grandparents, a couple of friends, great grand parents, Ants, Uncles... But no one who I had not expected to die before me. I never imagined my child dying. I had never lived the day to day life of someone who was trying to hold together broken pieces of themselves while pieces were missing. 

That is as close as I can come to explaining how I feel. Part of me is missing. And while yes I know, they aren't coming back and I logically understand that death is permanent, I had never realized how forever fit in. 

Last weekend while watching the kids running around the yard I felt a cool brease. My thoughts quickly turned to my son, who is not here. I thought of how his 2nd birthday is in 6 weeks and it hit me.... "I can't fix this". There is nothing I can do to feel whole. There is nothing I can say to make it better. I'm broken. It's always going to be this way. 

While his 2nd birthday coming the knowledge of Faith and Hope's would be birthdays are looming. I see beautiful little girls and wonder what they would have been this year for Halloween. Thing one and two maybe? Peanut Butter and Jelly? I wonder if they would be walking yet. If they would have liked a sucker or two. 

All the thinking won't help. It dosent change. I will go to sleep tonight and dream of how perfect they are. How their faces light up as they laugh. And I will wake tomorrow with a broken heart. Fake it though another day, and try to put together pieces that don't fit anymore. 

I will always miss them. I will always love  them. I will always wonder who they would have been.