Easter 2014

Happy Easter

 

 

 

 

 

 

Empty Basket.... Empty Tomb

3 empty Baskets

We shopped today. I needed to get everyone their Easter clothes. It was a long day. Some of us just were not feeling it today. For me it was just hard, as most things are.

Holidays are difficult for me. I want to make memories with my children who are gone and in turn I am missing them with the children I still have. It's frustrating to say the least. I want Easter shopping to be fun. I want to enjoy it, but I don't. I try but it's just not there. 

The thought of not having 3 more baskets is heartbreaking. They would just at empty anyway. We thought of getting new flowers but the ones we put out a month ago are Easter colors, so we left them out instead. I thought of getting a stuff bunny but it would just get wet. I thought of getting plastic eggs, filling them with rocks and setting them out there, but again I think they would either blow away or get lost somehow. It is a very strange feeling. To have children that you carried and gave birth to, but don't take care of. No diapers, no feedings, no Easter basket, no Christmas gifts. Nothing... I carried them, I birthed them and then I had to give them back to God. Its final that's it. There is nothing more for me to do and that sucks! I want to take care of them and I don't know how not to.

So I shopped for my living children and I tried not to look at the too little clothing that was next to my big kids sizes. I bought 5 baskets and left the other 3 on the shelf empty. I will sleep through the night and wake Easter morning and not be late for Church. Because my work for them is done. There is nothing left for me to do for them.

1 empty Tomb

For me Being a Christian, comes by having a lot of Faith.
Faith that Jesus is Gods son.
Faith that Jesus died on the cross to save us from our sins.
And a set of Beliefs.
I believe that God did send his son to die for me.
I believe that Jesus died and rose again
I believe that he loves us and doesn't want to see us hurt.

The tomb is empty and Jesus is in Heaven sitting next to his Father.
And in his arms are my children. They are sitting there waiting on me. Waiting on God to tell Jesus that its time to bring all of his children home.

I cant imagine what it was like for God to send his son here and not save him from dying on the cross. I know I am not that strong. I did everything to save my children and would do it again if I went back. But that empty tomb and the cross reminds me I am not alone.

I use to think that God didn't give us more than we could handle. I now know that is wrong. Of course God gives us more than we can handle, and he also gave us Jesus to turn to, to give all of our fears and needs to. He gave us Jesus so that when we have more on us than we can handle we can trust that even though its too big for us, its never too big for Jesus.

Trust

Times are getting hard around here. I know my children are ok and in heaven. But we should be celebrating Joshua's first birthday. We are just a few weeks away from my due date with him and that means a week later marks a year since I found myself pregnant again with my girls. I don't have Joshua and I don't have my girls either. Sometimes that pisses me off so badly, sometimes it makes me really sad, and sometimes dare I say I am actually ok, because I know that Jesus is taking better care of them than I ever could.

Our pastor preached on trusting Jesus with every part of our lives. I struggle with that so much. I trusted and my baby died. I decided that God had so much more in store for me. I didn't let it go or move on but I felt like I had an understanding that I still needed to trust that everything would be ok. When I found out I was pregnant with twins I felt like that was Gods plan. His bigger plan for me that I couldn't see when Joshua died. Put that wasn't it. Hope's water broke and then Faith's and then they were born far too early to live. They were just as perfect as Joshua was. I couldn't Trust Him any more, I couldn't lose another child, I couldn't put my family through it again. I took matters into my own hands and made sure I wouldn't get pregnant again.

For my mental well being in all my humanness I did the right thing. But was it right in God's eyes? Was that the plan for my life? I didn't trust Him to make that choice for me. I didn't trust Him enough to carry me through another pregnancy or another loss.

I'm not the same person I was a year ago when the test was positive. I'm not the same person I was 8 months ago when my girls were born. Or 9 months ago when I decided to take things into my own hands. I have a better understanding of what trusting God in all areas of life looks like. It looks nothing like what I thought. There is less worry and less mess in my life.

I am everyday Thankful for the gift of life God entrusted me with when he gave me my 8 children. I kept them safe for as long as he has allowed, some of that time has been far shorter than I ever imagined. However I must trust that God knows better even still. That God is good all of the time. Even when I am hurting, even when I don't understand that he is still good All Of The Time.

Owls and Monkeys

I think I have mentioned before that, we had picked a Monkey theme for Joshua. They were pretty popular and there was a monkey theme bed set along with a seat and swing. Jason and I spent a whole night the week before Joshua was born planning all of our monkey stuff. We had big plans for our little monkey.

For our girls we had decided to buy owls. They were are still are easy to find and most of the time there are two owls on things together so it felt right. We looked at a few things but we did less planning, we tried in vain to guard our hearts. 

So I see things. I see Monkeys. I see Joshua. I see owls. I see Faith and Hope. Sometimes I look at them and smile at the memories of picking that stuff out for my children. Sometimes I look at it and feel sad that I don't have the memories of buying it. I never got the chance to set that stuff up. I never got to see my Monkey grow. Or my Owls snuggle together. 

I miss them more than any words could ever explain. 

I make it everyday with the promises that have been made to me by God. One day their will be no pain. One day there will be no more tears. One day I will see them whole and healthy. And we will rejoice in The Lord our God together forever. 

A Headstone ....Round 2

Something's while not easier to deal with were easier to do when the girls died as compared to when Joshua died. I wasn't as scared. I knew what they would look like. I knew that I would have as long as I wanted with them. I knew what pictures I wanted. I already knew what funeral home we would call. I knew the plot where we would rest their bodies. I knew what kind of service I wanted for them. I knew who I wanted with me that day. I knew how empty I would feel when I walked away from there that day.

Something's are harder. Something's are very different. 

I have no idea how I want their head stone to read. We know we want one for them. We know we want 2 teddy bears on the side where Joshua's train is. But that's it. Jason wants Faith and Hope Greer. I want Faith Aubree and Hope Amelia with Greer under it or above it maybe. I think I want "baby sisters" on there the way we have "baby brother" on Joshua's. But I'm not sure about that even. Why is it so much harder to pick something for them? 

Living with open eyes

I have come along way over the past year in where I am in my over all Faith that God really does know better than I do, the plans he has for my life. 

It's opened my eyes to a new world. A world I didn't even know existed. A world where you don't worry everyday because you know that God has this. There is nothing bigger than my God. 

That however is not the world I lived in before. It's strange how much a year really matters. How much a year can change someone. 

I think about where I was once. Living the way I did. Sure I went to church and sure I learned a lot. But things were the same. We still skipped Church on Joe Cain Sunday to go downtown, kids and beer in tow. Hey we weren't hurting anyone, we even parked in a church parking lot and set up our grill in the area next to us. Did the church still have service that day? Yup they did. I remember looking at the people going into that church thinking "why can they not take one Sunday off?"  Now that was a few years ago, not last year. 

But I understand now. 

It's not about Sunday. It's not about church. It's about a relationship with Jesus, and you don't take "brakes" in your relationship with him. 

I admit that when Joshua died I felt completely abandoned. By God, by people who were suppose to be my friends, by people who were suppose to be my brothers and sisters In Christ, and even by some family. I sometimes even felt like I wasn't worthy of their support. I have harbored pain, bitterness, depression, and Anxiety over simply not being good enough. 

I did not give myself enough time to work through that when my Girls died too. Felt less abandoned, by more alone. I had never been shown the love my Church family poured over me when I buried them. I could feel their prayers. Their repeated gifts of food. Their hugs and smiles and simple phone calls showed me that I was where I was meant to be. But in a crowded room I still felt alone. But not abandoned. 

I believe all things happen for the glory of God. I believe that I am where I am suppose to be. Serving where I am suppose to be serving. I however would not be here if I hadn't lost Joshua. If he was alive and well I could see us still going to church on Sundays and sometimes taking a brake from it to go grill in a church parking lot. I would never have needed my pastor to love me before he knew me. I would not have needed him to pray over me and my baby while I was in labor. I wouldn't have needed him to Pray with me at Joshua's service. I wouldn't have know the love through Christ that he has. 

As much as Joshua brought us into where to worship we still fought to actually move there. We drove 40 mins one way some Sundays. When we found out we were having twins is when I decided I needed to live closer to my mom and sisters. So we moved. 10 mins from the church we worship and serve at. 2 weeks later my girls died. 

My children had meaning. They had a mission from God. Joshua's mission was to show me the love of God through my pastor. Faith and Hope. Their mission was to move us closer to family and church. And in doing that it has moved us closer to God. 

What an amazing gift my children have given me. I'm so glad I can see It now. 

I see the way we use to live. I see the way we live now. And I am thankful for every change God has allowed to happen to us. 

I am in no way "over" the deaths of my children and I don't believe over is really something you ever do. I believe living with the pain and missing them gets easier but it's always there. I love them and will love them and miss them until my last breath. Then I will see them and will get to tell them Thank-you. For choosing me as you mother and thank you for helping me see what I needed to see and to look at the world with my eyes open. 

Living with open eyes

I have come along way over the past year in where I am in my over all Faith that God really does know better than I do, the plans he has for my life. 

It's opened my eyes to a new world. A world I didn't even know existed. A world where you don't worry everyday because you know that God has this. There is nothing bigger than my God. 

That however is not the world I lived in before. It's strange how much a year really matters. How much a year can change someone. 

I think about where I was once. Living the way I did. Sure I went to church and sure I learned a lot. But things were the same. We still skipped Church on Joe Cain Sunday to go downtown, kids and beer in tow. Hey we weren't hurting anyone, we even parked in a church parking lot and set up our grill in the area next to us. Did the church still have service that day? Yup they did. I remember looking at the people going into that church thinking "why can they not take one Sunday off?"  Now that was a few years ago, not last year. 

But I understand now. 

It's not about Sunday. It's not about church. It's about a relationship with Jesus, and you don't take "brakes" in your relationship with him. 

I admit that when Joshua died I felt completely abandoned. By God, by people who were suppose to be my friends, by people who were suppose to be my brothers and sisters In Christ, and even by some family. I sometimes even felt like I wasn't worthy of their support. I have harbored pain, bitterness, depression, and Anxiety over simply not being good enough. 

I did not give myself enough time to work through that when my Girls died too. Felt less abandoned, by more alone. I had never been shown the love my Church family poured over me when I buried them. I could feel their prayers. Their repeated gifts of food. Their hugs and smiles and simple phone calls showed me that I was where I was meant to be. But in a crowded room I still felt alone. But not abandoned. 

I believe all things happen for the glory of God. I believe that I am where I am suppose to be. Serving where I am suppose to be serving. I however would not be here if I hadn't lost Joshua. If he was alive and well I could see us still going to church on Sundays and sometimes taking a brake from it to go grill in a church parking lot. I would never have needed my pastor to love me before he knew me. I would not have needed him to pray over me and my baby while I was in labor. I wouldn't have needed him to Pray with me at Joshua's service. I wouldn't have know the love through Christ that he has. 

As much as Joshua brought us into where to worship we still fought to actually move there. We drove 40 mins one way some Sundays. When we found out we were having twins is when I decided I needed to live closer to my mom and sisters. So we moved. 10 mins from the church we worship and serve at. 2 weeks later my girls died. 

My children had meaning. They had a mission from God. Joshua's mission was to show me the love of God through my pastor. Faith and Hope. Their mission was to move us closer to family and church. And in doing that it has moved us closer to God. 

What an amazing gift my children have given me. I'm so glad I can see It now. 

I see the way we use to live. I see the way we live now. And I am thankful for every change God has allowed to happen to us. 

I am in no way "over" the deaths of my children and I don't believe over is really something you ever do. I believe living with the pain and missing them gets easier but it's always there. I love them and will love them and miss them until my last breath. Then I will see them and will get to tell them Thank-you. For choosing me as you mother and thank you for helping me see what I needed to see and to look at the world with my eyes open. 

I wanna see your face

Sometimes I just long to see their faces. I have dreams about who they may have been. What they may have looked like if Joshua was now a year old and the girls were 1 month old. I see dresses out for Easter and I see their faces in them. I see him toting around learning and exploring. I wonder still what their favorite things would be. Who their favorite person would have been. How we would have juggled it all. Where we would be. I know these what if questions are not to be answered and yet I can't help myself from thinking them. 

I look at their pictures when the images in my head get fuzzy. I need to know and remember exactly what they look like. I need the pictures on my wall to remind everyone they were real and were here alive on earth even if it was just a few short weeks inside me. They were here.  They were real. They had meaning and weight in this world. 

Stuff

Why is stuff so important to us? Over the past week I have watched my family divide stuff. My grandfather passed away 14 years ago, last week my grandmother fell and broke her hip. She has dementia, and is confused most of the time. After her fall her children decided a nursing facility would be the best place for her to receive the care she now needs. Since this has happened there has been a lot of talk over who gets what out of her house. It's a little crazy. My grandmother wrote names on the bottom of most things, but there are things that are going to different people than who is actually written on them. And I don't care. It's stuff. I have a tea pitcher that use to sit on the counter in my grandmothers kitchen. It's broken and now has flowers in it, but that will forever remind me of my childhood at my grandmothers house. I don't need a bunch of things in the house that was hers to remind me of her. That one thing will do.

However.......... 

Today I moved Joshua's things. I almost lost it. A single box of diapers and I had tears on my eyes. A box marked "boy clothes" that I had gotten just for him. A box that says "baby memories" that the hospital gave me, holds his foot prints and pictures from the hospital. Things that were his that he never used. Things that hold no memories. He never wore those clothes, so why is it heartbreaking to look at them? There are a few blankets that he was never wraped in, there is a bottle he never drank from,  diapers I've never opened. The only memories I have with this stuff is when I bought it. But I can't let it go. It's mine. Those things are his. I should have needed those diapers. I should have been putting these clothes on the swap page because he out grew them already. 

I never shopped for the girls. I thought it would be easier. It's not. I want to do a shadow box for them but I don't have little socks for them to put in it the way I want. Maybe I will just buy a pack and use them in there. Is that crazy? Buying things for your child who has died? 

Stuff... Things.... Memories.... The lack of memories....  Life and death..... It's just stuff.

My dad and my 2 grandmothers at my wedding. 

Family Ties

My due date with my girls has past. 01/17/14. It wasn't as bad as I thought it may be. I think that's because I would have never made it to that date. My girls would have been born at 36 weeks at the latest. So my due date was a date to go by for development but was never an actual goal or delivery date. Jason and I spent the day together. Paid some bulls. Had lunch. Talked a lot. We don't get the chance to talk just us much and Haleigh actually took a nap in the car so we were able to just talk a while. Having 5 kids and dealing with the loss of 3 more takes it's toll on the body and mind. It also takes it's toll on every relationship you have ever had or will have.

The relationship Jason and I had before baby loss entered our life is nothing like the relationship we have now. In a lot of ways we are better. We are stronger. But we have a lot more communication problems than we use to. I find myself not saying things that I need to say because I don't want to argue. Except sometimes it needs to be said. He doesn't want to hurt my feelings so he holds stuff in too. Then there are parts of us that just wanna be near each other and sometimes when I'm lying with his arms around me I feel our babies wrap their love around us. 

I wish I would have spent more time with my grandparents. You just don't realize when you are 14 years old how important your grandparents are. Now that I'm 31 I know and it's too late ( for most of them). My grandmother was resently in the hospital and now in a nursing home for long term care. She cries for her baby sometimes. I wonder if she had a baby loss that we don't know about. My (step) grandmother Henson had a picture on her wall of a baby girl, I was told it was her daughter. She died as an infant. I wish I could talk to her. My great grand mother miller lost a child at 5yrs old. I wish I could talk to her. My grand mother Walker lost her 5 children in a divorce. She wasn't able to see her kids for years. I never understood these women's heart ach until now. My family and I didn't understand. I didn't lose my children until after these women had passed away or have not the ability to share their stories with me. How I wish I had them by me. But I know they are watching my children in heaven. Taking turns rocking them. 

My mother never lost a child. However she has lost 3 grandchildren. I don't have any grandchildren so I can't say for sure how a grandmother feels. But I imagine that the love you have for your grandchild is as close as it comes to the love you have for your child. I know it's hurt her watching me hurt. I know she would do anything to give me my babies back. She and my dad help me take care of the grave where my children rest. They helped me plan their funerals. They helped me raise money to buy headstones. They are taking care of their grandchildren in heaven the only way they can. Just as I try and take care of them the only way I know how. 

I wish I could say that since their due date has passed that I think about Faith and Hope less but the truth is I think of them more. And I miss them.