Something's are not about you.

So since some people are confused I thought I would clear some things up.

Something's are not about you. Yes you. I haven't written anything in a while that was directed at any one group if people or person. This blog is not about you.

This blog is for me and how I feel and how I am coping and how I am moving on. I may also include things about my other kids and family but this is really about me. A mother who had to give up her child to God. Who had to say goodbye before she really had a chance to say hello.

I understand that something's are not about me.... Like other people's blogs. They aren't about me. I understand the world is still going on even if I only half show up in it sometimes. I understand other people have gone through what I'm going through and have similar feelings to my own. I'm not writing this blog to hurt people's feelings either I know other people have hurt and felt this pain.

Please realize though that this experience is mine and its about me. Even if you understand where I'm coming from its still about my life. I'm not writing this blog to write in code about people. If I am writing a post about you believe me you will know it.

To end I'd like to say if your confused about why i even had to write this then you did nothing wrong.

The things we choose

When women realize they are pregnant they start planning. Things they want to do while pregnant. Who they will tell and when. What to buy And when. What to name the baby. Everything at one point runs through the heads of the waiting parents. What never runs through our heads is what kind of headstone our child will have. I can honestly say I had never ever thought of that before. I had also never thought about burying my child.

When Joshua died we had no plots. When we had to bury him we got 8. One for him. One for all our other children and one for Jason and myself. I didn't pick the spot. I couldn't. I made sure the casket was white and that there were roses. But that's all. Two days ago I had to go pick a headstone. And I thought to myself I should be picking out summer clothes or diapers or something. Not a headstone. Not a grave marker. But that's my reality. That's what I live everyday. I held it together for the most part. See as what I was doing I'd say I did exceptionally well. Even though there were a few tears. I know I had my friends praying for me and that helped a lot. I will be getting a proof by Monday and the stone will be placed in about 8 weeks.

I can't believe how much time has gone by already. Heaven has held my child longer than I did.

A headstone

We are finally going to order Joshua's headstone. I'm calling tomorrow to set up a day. It will probably be Saturday. I'm really nervous, because I'm not sure how I'm going to cope. I know it's going to be hard. But it's something that needs to be done. I hate going out there and not having his place marked with his name. On the other hand I know having his name in stone is going to make it set in even Farther. Everything seems so final. I don't want things final. After the headstone that's it. There's nothing left for me to do. And that makes me so sad.
I keep making diapers and putting his name out there. So people know. So no one forgets. I talk about him less though. I don't feel the need to talk about him all the time anymore. I don't get stressed when I go in public or see people anymore. I do ok in crowds but I still rather not be in them. I don't however like to meet new people. They don't know about Joshua. It's not something I want to tell them but again I feel like its apart of who I am and I want everyone to know he was here. I find it hard to answer when people ask how many kids I have. Jason says to answer 5 to people who we won't be seeing again or who won't be in our lives regularly. Or to answer 5 living and leave the rest for later to people we my be spending time with later. Like people at church. I just feel like 5 is a lie. And I don't want to lie or hide Joshua. It just hurts to answer 6 because when they ask the ages I have to tell them that he's gone. And it hurts, to say 5.

I am a mother to 6 children.

13 years.

Sunday marks 13 years since Jason and I got married. I never imagined that we would go through so much in just 13 years. Of course we've been together much longer than that, but those first few years were nothing compared to the 13 that have pasted since.

So much has changed. I am defiantly not the person I was when we first married. It's been hard work to change from the people we were into the people we have become and still love each other. Our children including Joshua have given our relationship hard ground and strength that we have needed to get through the hard times. Medical issues and Child death are the two too things that come between a marriage. We've made it through and still continue to deal with all of it, but instead of braking out relationship it's truly made it stronger.

Other people's kids

There are very few kids that aren't my own that I like. I don't mean it in a bad way really I just don't like other people's small kids. There are a few exceptions to the rule and if I have ever babysat your child then I really love your child. I've grown attached to some. But for the most part kids annoy me. And I bet that's a shock seeing as I have 6 children. But my children no matter how annoying they are it's ok and I can handle it and I still like every bit of them more and love them more everyday. I use to keep nursery and would find reasons to not go to church when it was my turn I just didn't like doing it. That's probably why I didn't last long at the daycare either.

I've had a few friends have babies since Joshua died. It's confusing for me to say the least. I can't stay in the room with 5 month olds because Joshua was born 5 months ago. I can't say in the room with newborns because Joshua should be a new born. But I share in the joy of the women I know who have become and will become mothers soon. No matter if its for the 1st or 20th time. I share in that joy. I am so excited when a baby is born alive and healthy (or even mostly healthy) to know that, that family will not endure the heartache that i have felt brings me deep joy. I see these baby's pictures and I'm so glad they are ok. I see the mothers and I see how happy they are and I know that's the way it's suppose to be. I'm not mad at anyone for having a healthy baby that has never been an emotion I have felt to other moms and babies. I do however feel jealous that I didn't get what they have. I feel cheated that my time with Joshua was so cut short. But I'm glad I can separate that and still be happy for my friends who have these new babies.

I don't know when I will be able to hold a new baby again. I think if I was faced with it right now I would freak out and run. But luckily no one that lives really close has had a baby yet. And I refuse to keep the nursery, so no problem there.

Grief is such a long road one I'm not sure has an end. It had a lot of hill and curves. But if you let God lead you. You will end up on the other side of grief with a better understanding of who you are and what you were made for. I think I'm getting to the point where I know. But that's not the end I think it's still at the beginning.

Church on Mothers Day

There are a few holidays that fall on Sundays each year. Easter, Mother's Day, Fathers Day. Most people gather with their loved ones in church those holidays. As with Christmas when it falls on a Sunday. Those 4 days there are more people in church than any other Sundays through out the year. The most popular being Easter.

On Mother's Day a lot of churches have baby dedication. That's when all the baby's born from one Mother's Day to the next are "adopted" into the church. This is a baptist version of baby baptizing since we as baptist don't do that. I've only ever been apart of a baby dedication once and that was with Aden. While we were going to church we were not members when any of the others were babies. Aden was dedicated on Mother's Day 2005. He was almost 2 years old but we wanted to go ahead anyway. It was very nice.

This year I'm glad to be apart of a church that did baby dedication already. And before now I never though of a reason it shouldn't be on Mother's Day. I mean that's like the perfect day. But my eyes have been opened to a world no one wants to be in. A world that I'm happy to have baby day to have been in January instead if May. The world of baby loss and infertility.

Now I am not even going to act like I know the pain of infertility. I have children. I had my first healthy full term child at just 15 years old. And I have had 4 other living children since then. Then there is Joshua and i have also suffered though to a lesser extent a handful of earlier miscarriages. In fact everyone of my children except my oldest is a rainbow baby. A rainbow baby is a baby born after a miscarriage or infant loss. So while I know the pain of loss very well I do not know the pain of infertility. But I can imagine the pain the women who want to be mothers who are lead to be care givers feel on Mother's Day and then to have to sit through baby day at church on the same day. I can see why they would want to skip it. I think of them as childless mothers who will one day be blessed with a child they so desperate want to bring home and love forever.

Then there's people. Women, families like mine who have had a baby or infant loss this year. Who can't even glance in the nursery. Who skipped baby day I January and would not be able to sit through it in May either. I would love to be able to but I know it's too soon for me and I couldn't do it and I'm so glad I get to go to church and not be faced with that choice of crying through it of waiting in the bathroom until that part is over.

I'm not writing this saying that baby's shouldn't be dedicated in Mother's Day. Just that I'm glad not every church does it that way. There are mothers who are hurting this Mother's Day. And not having to be at a baby dedication is one less sting from the world.

A Bandaid.

I really thought that once my due date came and went that I would start feeling better. Or I would at least not feel as bad. But that hasn't happened. I now just feel tired, angry and some days lost all of the time. It's like taking off a band aid.

At first loosing Joshua was like ripping off a bandaid. It hurt intensely, but instead of the pain going away it was like as soon as I would think the sting was gone another would be ripped off. After a while the pain came in waves. Like ripping a band aid off as hard and fast as you can multiple times a day, but there were moments without the pain and moments I smiled, dare I say laughed.

Maybe it's because this week has been so hard. Due date, Mother's Day, Started my cycle. But lately all day feels like a slow pull at a bandaid. The pain is not as intense as when you rip it off. But it last all day. A dull ache that never goes away, An ache I can't get relief from, a constant feeling of someone missing or lost. It's a horrible feeling and its stuck on me all day. I don't see how anyone can be in a good mood after feeling like that.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. And I have 6 wonderful reasons to celebrate. So I'm getting up early and making my kids breakfast. That may seem backwards, you may be thinking that on Mother's Day my kids should be making me breakfast right? Well yes, I'm their mother and I gave them life so I should be honored. That's the way this holiday works. But instead tomorrow I'm going to do for them because they are my children. Without them I would not be a mother. They are the reason I get to celebrate Mother's Day. So I'm going to let tomorrow be about them not about me.

Diapers For Mothers Day.

These are the diapers I'm donating in Joshua's memory for Mother's Day. They are going to the women's center 6 to the Saraland center and 6 to the Mobile center. They don't have a lot of women who call when they have a loss but they do have some. And those babies deserve to have diapers too. And since I haven't been able to get into USA Children's hospital as of yet I know they will have baby's that don't have one.

Happy Mothers Day.

To Joshua on your would be birthday

Josh,

I wonder sometimes if I would have called you Josh. I think I would have. Maybe not at first but I'm sure after a couple months I would have. Today is the day you were suppose to be born, but you were born extremely early. I miss you everyday. And even though it hurts I am making you a name. I want people to know that even though your life was so very short, that you were here and you meant something. I'm donating diapers, and blankets for other angel babies. I hope you know that I love you and that I will forever think of you everyday as my forever baby. I hope you know how sorry I am that my body failed you and how happy I was to be carrying you. I never for a second wasn't happy to be having you. An even though the pain had been bad and this has been the hardest time in my life I am still glad for the few months I spent carrying you. I'm glad for the few hours I held you in my arms and in glad that I tried to give you life.


Love you forever and ever

Mommy.

Things I didn't know

There are a lot of things I didn't know before I had Joshua. I knew some women would have stillborns and have their water brake early. I had read about them. But I never thought it would be me. Especially since after the first trimester the risk of losing a baby is like 2%. So I was suppose to be in the safe zone. I was suppose to be ok. Joshua was suppose to be ok. But there are things I didn't know.

I didn't know how badly it would hurt or how much it would change my life and the way I think to loose a child.

I didn't know that not having enough of some vitamins can cause the bag of water to break.

I didn't know that after your water brakes that early that you can go on into labor. I had only read stories of women laying in bed for months and then the babies needing NICU time. It's not until you google pPROM complications that you find those stories.

I didn't know you could keep loving someone you never met until their death.

I didn't know you could miss someone who you never spent time with while they were alive.

I didn't realize I was due the Monday before Mothers Day. I didn't realize I was due the day after National Bereaved Mothers Day. I didn't know there was a Bereaved Mother's Day.

Sometimes I wish I could go back and enjoy throwing up more. Enjoy rubbing my belly more. Tell the kids sooner. Tell my family sooner. I thought I was doing good by not telling a lot of people before the 12 weeks were up, that way of I miscarried I would not have to explain to a bunch of people what happened. But really I deprived them time to connect. I knew Joshua was a boy for 2 weeks before we announced it. I again deprived everyone the chance to connect with him as a little boy. I told everyone just 13 days before his birth. People only had 7 weeks to connect with him as a baby and 13 day to connect with him as a Brother, a nephew, a grandson, a baby boy. It all seems crazy now to do things the way we did. The way most people do.

Let people in on your secrets. Let people in on your happiness as well as your sadness and grief. Let people celebrate with you, let others be happy with you don't hide it. It's not just about babies but about just life. Things go wrong, so rejoice in what you have while you have it. It's not that you don't know what you have until its gone, simply that you didn't think what you Had you could ever be taken away.