I'm a mess.

I became angry today.

 Most days I feel a little angry.  But this was not the same as most days. I'm looming on the birthdays of my little girls. Thinking of how I should be celebrating them. I am still obsessed with Dr.Susses and I think I would do a Thing 1 and Thing 2 party. I mean what could be cuter for twins right. 

I thought about all the things I have not been able to do this year. I wasn't able to teach you to talk. I wasn't able to teach you to walk. I wasn't there to hold your hand, I wanted to be there to help you stand. I needed you here with me this year I wanted to be your mother in so many ways, more than I will ever get to this side of heaven. 

My life feels broken most days and today I couldn't hold it back. I snapped at the people who love me and I expected them to just understand. They do. They shouldn't have to. I wish none of us understood how to deal with grief so well. 

I will never understand why I have 3 beautiful babies in heaven. I wish I was too busy with them to blog. But instead I'm lonely in a room full if people who will never understand what you mean to me. 

I don't know how I live each day without you. I don't know how I carry on. It's inly by the Grace of God that I am still standing. 

Worth it

I wanted... I want

We live in a world of want. Want for more and bigger and better. We live in a world full of wan for the perfect for the normal. Everyone around me seems to have a list, a list of wants.

Not all wants are bad. I have a daughter who wants to play college softball. I have a son who wants to be a preacher. I have a sister who wants to be a teacher. Theses are wonderful wants. 

Then there is the person who wants everyone to see them, you know the one who wants all the attention. There is the one that wants the newest phone with max speed. And then The one who wants you to believe life for them is just perfect. 

My wants have changed so much. I use to want happy healthy children. I mean who doesn't right? Then God blessed me with children that needed special medical care and the Healthy part faded some what. Yeah I still wanted healthy children but my idea of what healthy meant changed. Happy, I strive for happiness. 

Healthy use to actually mean normal.  100% normal. I let go of that when Aden was born and needed early intervention for his first 18 months. You would never know it now, but we actually had thought he may be autistic. He didn't react to other people the way most babies do. He would actually have rather sit in his swing all day and night than be held. Turns out he was just delayed and we needed to teach him about touch. It didn't come natural to him the way it should have.  

Then when Landon was born so early that we had a scare of possible Brain bleeds leading to blindness. I accepted it before the results were in. He of course sees great, but had he been blind I would have wanted him just as much. 

Haleigh came after that with major medical issues, feeding and digestion were rough for 2 years. Add in surgeries and you have far from a "normal" child. 

When I laid in the hospital praying that Joshua would live. I had been offered a termination. One of the things that was explained to us was that because if the extreme low fluid there was a possibility of mental handicaps. I looked at Jason and we knew. We knew that this child we were carrying. This child God had blessed us with, would be worth it. We knew that if God allowed us to keep him, that we would spend our lives making sure he was treated fairly and as normal as possible. Just like we had for our other Children before him. We would pave a path for him life that would allow him all the experience life has to offer. 

All life is worth it. No matter how long that life may be here on earth, I know that my children live forever with Jesus and that makes their short lives worth every second I spent fighting for them. 

What a blessing it is that i have so much waiting on me in heaven. 

Choices

Choices 

We make choices everyday. Everyone of them effects more that just ourselves. They effect everyone around us. When I make choices I try to make the best choice for everyone. Sometimes I have to sacrifice what I really want, so that others can have what they need. Some times it's small. Sometimes it's big.

Last year I made to choice to try and give my little girls life. By making that choice I decided for my family that they were to help me. And they stepped up. Even though it didn't last very long for the week that I held on they have up things that were important to them to be there for me. 

School starts in a few weeks. A week earlier than last year. Meaning sign ups and meet the teacher are a week earlier. We've already started. Last year I only for one kid done before my water broke. Jason took the others. They were scared. It was their first year in a different school. In a new city. They didn't know anyone. By the time meet the teacher came I was just a few days from the death of my children. I went in with bruises all along my arms. I didn't try to hide them. My mom drove me as I had surgery that week too. I was spaced out and had to keep asking my mom what my phone number was. I can only imagine what the teachers were thinking. I think everyone could tell I didn't want to be there. I wanted to be at home in the bed still.  I often wondered why everyone just couldn't stop the world and leave me alone. It's not what I needed at that time. To be left alone would have been rough. But it is what I wanted. I'm glad the people in my life knew better. 

This year meet the teacher is on the worst possible day. They could have picked the 12th, they could have picked the 8th. But no. They chose to have it on the one day of August when I will not want to wake up, I won't want to breath. Buy I will. I will cry in the morning, I will visit them and take them balloons. I will send one to heaven. Then I will pick my self up and go meet my sons teachers. 

They are probably going to be able to tell that I don't want to be there. They will probably think I'm a distant parent. I just have to remember that they do not know what that day is for me. That they don't know how hard it was to dress myself that day. And I that God that they don't know. 

Dreams

There are so many times I dream of who my children would have been. What Their smiles would have looked like what their voices would have sounded l like. I use to be bothered by them. But now I see them as glimpses of what heaven will be like with then. I see Joshua with a head full of blond hair. Like Haleigh's. With eyes tented green like Madalyn's. I see him being 3-4 in every dream I have of him.

 My girls. I see them with slightly darker hair and they are always about a year old. Fuller faces and fat little thighs. Faith has piercing blue eyes and Hopes are lighter like the color of the sky.   

They are all 3 happy healthy and laughing.  It's Heaven. It has to be.

I have other dreams. Where all my what ifs live.  In these dreams I'm either frantically searching for my kids that I can't find or I am pregnant and know what's about to happen so I do things different than I did but it never had a happy ending. 

Last night I had a what if dream. It's one I have had before and it's one I hate. This is the one where I decide that I will not do anything while pregnant with Joshua after my water brakes, I decide against medical advice that I don't have a clear enough evidence that my life is in danger. This is the dream where I don't make it either. It's my least favorite dream of Joshua even though it ends with us together. I'm still sad because I see my other kids morning not only their brother but also their mother. 

 I know there was nothing I could have done to make things better. I know I tried really hard to give my kids a shot at life. I know I know I know. Sometimes knowing you did the exact right thing is as hard as if you had done the wrong thing instead. 

11 months

11 months. 

How have I survived 11 months with this whole in my heart? There are days that go by and all I've done is sit and think of you. What you would be doing. The sound of your laughter that would surely be filling our house by now.

 The healing you would have brought to our family is more than should ever be put on a child, but I had hopes that the two of you would bring that healing when you were born. Never did I imagine that a bigger hole would be torn instead. 

I never wanted you to be angles. I never wanted you to watch over our family. I never wanted you to keep us safe. 

I wanted you to live as my babies. I wanted to watch over you. I wanted to keep you safe. I wanted to teach you things and watch you grow. 

Things didn't go as planned. You left too early, we had to say goodbye before we had a chance to say hello. 

I miss you girls like crazy. I just want to hold you somedays. Others I just want to see your sweet face. 

One day it will happen. I just have to wait one day Jesus will call me home and you will be there waiting at the gate. 

I saw a beautiful picture of a rainbow today and it reminded me of the blessing you were. A double rainbow after a storm. I will never understand why you were taken from me. I will never understand why there is so much pain in this world. I'm glad you never experienced the pain of this world. But selfishly wish you were here with me. I know your not alone there. I know your brother was there to meet you when you Walked through the gates of heaven and into Jesus' arms. 

I know the three of you were watching over Landon when he was in Intensive Care. 

I know y'all welcomed Meredith with open arms as we had to say goodbye to her much too soon. Much in the way we said goodbye to you. 

I know your ok and I know you are not sad. I know you don't miss me, because there is no sadness in heaven. I know you a fully formed and Jesus finished knitting you together in heaven. I'm sorry I couldn't hold you long enough for him to finish you here. 

I love you Joshua, Faith and Hope. To the moon... To the moon. 

Who is 1 in 4

Statistics say that 1 in 4 women will have a pregnancy loss in the 2nd or 3rd trimester.

 

When I was apart of an online community for women due in May when I was pregnant with Joshua I always made sure I posted how sorry I was when someone lost their baby early. But in the back if my head I was thinking. If it's them then it's not me. When I entered into my 2nd trimester and since I had never had a loss that far before I just "knew" I would be ok. When the other ladies would post about losing babies I was again very sorry but I didn't get it at all. Not really. Then it was me. And I found out it happens to 1 in 4 women. So when I found out I was pregnant with my girls, made it past the first 12 weeks, then I saw were there were some ladies with later losses and I had 2 thoughts. 1. It's already happened to me so it won't again. And 2. If it's happening to them it won't be me this time. I'm not 1 in 4 twice.... Then I was. 

So when my sister got pregnant I (as always) found out when her baby would be viable (24ish weeks). And prayed she make it just that far. Every day after that mark would be a great joy. I also had no fear she would have a loss like mine. I mean if it's truly 1 in 4 and in our immediate family there are 4 women than I am the 1. No one else just me. I am the 1 in 4. We can't both be the 1 in 4. So when she made it to 12 weeks I knew she would be fine. 

I was wrong. 

I don't know when the day was when numbers were pulled for this 1 in 4 but apparently something went wrong and we both pulled a 1. 

I wish I was the only one that knew this pain. I wish the bond I have with my sister I didn't have. I wish... I wish... I wish. 

I don't know the answers to what happens next all I know is what happens now. And now we love each other through our pain and try to let those who love us in enough to help us when we can't help our selves. 

Anger

This is possibly the 5th post with the message of how angry I am. This is a different anger though. I am at a point of not understanding. I am in a place where nothing makes since. 4 babies in less than 2 years. Actually it's 4 in 18 months. I want some answers. 

I have not lived a perfect life no one has. I have made really big mistakes. But my sister no she has lived her life for God for as long as I can remember. She's not perfect but she is someone that I strive to be like. She is the example of a Christian woman. And a wonderful mother. She deserves to be able to raise her baby girl. It's not fair. 

Stronger

My sister Heather is the strongest person I know. Not one of, no she's at the top. 

When Joshua was born and the hospital told me that there was a place that buried babies for free I was devastated when I found out that we couldn't go to the actual service, that there wasn't one it's held in November every year for all the babies at one time. I didn't think we had another choice, but I did. 

My wonderful nurse told me that some places do infants at a massively reduced rate. So my family took charge and found the one that my mom used for her mother has a great program for infants. 

I refused to go to the funeral home. I cried when I knew Heather was there planning my childs funeral. But I didn't have it in me to go. She picked out my childs eternal resting place. She ordered the flowers. She talked with the pastor. 6 months later when we ordered the marker I cried the whole time we were there. My other sister didn't live close by, but still managed to arrange food for us after the service. 

My plan was today that I would return what my sister did for me and I would plan her daughters funeral. My sister is stronger than I am. She went. She sat and planned her baby's funeral. She picked the marker and ordered the flowers. After that she spoke with our pastor. 

I held it together while we were there but I have no idea how she did it. I am amazed at how strong she is. 

But she is not alone. I will be there for her when she needs me to be and I will step back when she needs me to.