Thursday, July 24, 2014



We make choices everyday. Everyone of them effects more that just ourselves. They effect everyone around us. When I make choices I try to make the best choice for everyone. Sometimes I have to sacrifice what I really want, so that others can have what they need. Some times it's small. Sometimes it's big.

Last year I made to choice to try and give my little girls life. By making that choice I decided for my family that they were to help me. And they stepped up. Even though it didn't last very long for the week that I held on they have up things that were important to them to be there for me. 

School starts in a few weeks. A week earlier than last year. Meaning sign ups and meet the teacher are a week earlier. We've already started. Last year I only for one kid done before my water broke. Jason took the others. They were scared. It was their first year in a different school. In a new city. They didn't know anyone. By the time meet the teacher came I was just a few days from the death of my children. I went in with bruises all along my arms. I didn't try to hide them. My mom drove me as I had surgery that week too. I was spaced out and had to keep asking my mom what my phone number was. I can only imagine what the teachers were thinking. I think everyone could tell I didn't want to be there. I wanted to be at home in the bed still.  I often wondered why everyone just couldn't stop the world and leave me alone. It's not what I needed at that time. To be left alone would have been rough. But it is what I wanted. I'm glad the people in my life knew better. 

This year meet the teacher is on the worst possible day. They could have picked the 12th, they could have picked the 8th. But no. They chose to have it on the one day of August when I will not want to wake up, I won't want to breath. Buy I will. I will cry in the morning, I will visit them and take them balloons. I will send one to heaven. Then I will pick my self up and go meet my sons teachers. 

They are probably going to be able to tell that I don't want to be there. They will probably think I'm a distant parent. I just have to remember that they do not know what that day is for me. That they don't know how hard it was to dress myself that day. And I that God that they don't know. 

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