There are so many times I dream of who my children would have been. What Their smiles would have looked like what their voices would have sounded l like. I use to be bothered by them. But now I see them as glimpses of what heaven will be like with then. I see Joshua with a head full of blond hair. Like Haleigh's. With eyes tented green like Madalyn's. I see him being 3-4 in every dream I have of him.
My girls. I see them with slightly darker hair and they are always about a year old. Fuller faces and fat little thighs. Faith has piercing blue eyes and Hopes are lighter like the color of the sky.
They are all 3 happy healthy and laughing. It's Heaven. It has to be.
I have other dreams. Where all my what ifs live. In these dreams I'm either frantically searching for my kids that I can't find or I am pregnant and know what's about to happen so I do things different than I did but it never had a happy ending.
Last night I had a what if dream. It's one I have had before and it's one I hate. This is the one where I decide that I will not do anything while pregnant with Joshua after my water brakes, I decide against medical advice that I don't have a clear enough evidence that my life is in danger. This is the dream where I don't make it either. It's my least favorite dream of Joshua even though it ends with us together. I'm still sad because I see my other kids morning not only their brother but also their mother.
I know there was nothing I could have done to make things better. I know I tried really hard to give my kids a shot at life. I know I know I know. Sometimes knowing you did the exact right thing is as hard as if you had done the wrong thing instead.