11 months

11 months. 

How have I survived 11 months with this whole in my heart? There are days that go by and all I've done is sit and think of you. What you would be doing. The sound of your laughter that would surely be filling our house by now.

 The healing you would have brought to our family is more than should ever be put on a child, but I had hopes that the two of you would bring that healing when you were born. Never did I imagine that a bigger hole would be torn instead. 

I never wanted you to be angles. I never wanted you to watch over our family. I never wanted you to keep us safe. 

I wanted you to live as my babies. I wanted to watch over you. I wanted to keep you safe. I wanted to teach you things and watch you grow. 

Things didn't go as planned. You left too early, we had to say goodbye before we had a chance to say hello. 

I miss you girls like crazy. I just want to hold you somedays. Others I just want to see your sweet face. 

One day it will happen. I just have to wait one day Jesus will call me home and you will be there waiting at the gate. 

I saw a beautiful picture of a rainbow today and it reminded me of the blessing you were. A double rainbow after a storm. I will never understand why you were taken from me. I will never understand why there is so much pain in this world. I'm glad you never experienced the pain of this world. But selfishly wish you were here with me. I know your not alone there. I know your brother was there to meet you when you Walked through the gates of heaven and into Jesus' arms. 

I know the three of you were watching over Landon when he was in Intensive Care. 

I know y'all welcomed Meredith with open arms as we had to say goodbye to her much too soon. Much in the way we said goodbye to you. 

I know your ok and I know you are not sad. I know you don't miss me, because there is no sadness in heaven. I know you a fully formed and Jesus finished knitting you together in heaven. I'm sorry I couldn't hold you long enough for him to finish you here. 

I love you Joshua, Faith and Hope. To the moon... To the moon.