Wednesday, July 30, 2014

I'm a mess.

I became angry today.

 Most days I feel a little angry.  But this was not the same as most days. I'm looming on the birthdays of my little girls. Thinking of how I should be celebrating them. I am still obsessed with Dr.Susses and I think I would do a Thing 1 and Thing 2 party. I mean what could be cuter for twins right. 

I thought about all the things I have not been able to do this year. I wasn't able to teach you to talk. I wasn't able to teach you to walk. I wasn't there to hold your hand, I wanted to be there to help you stand. I needed you here with me this year I wanted to be your mother in so many ways, more than I will ever get to this side of heaven. 

My life feels broken most days and today I couldn't hold it back. I snapped at the people who love me and I expected them to just understand. They do. They shouldn't have to. I wish none of us understood how to deal with grief so well. 

I will never understand why I have 3 beautiful babies in heaven. I wish I was too busy with them to blog. But instead I'm lonely in a room full if people who will never understand what you mean to me. 

I don't know how I live each day without you. I don't know how I carry on. It's inly by the Grace of God that I am still standing. 

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