Stuff

Why is stuff so important to us? Over the past week I have watched my family divide stuff. My grandfather passed away 14 years ago, last week my grandmother fell and broke her hip. She has dementia, and is confused most of the time. After her fall her children decided a nursing facility would be the best place for her to receive the care she now needs. Since this has happened there has been a lot of talk over who gets what out of her house. It's a little crazy. My grandmother wrote names on the bottom of most things, but there are things that are going to different people than who is actually written on them. And I don't care. It's stuff. I have a tea pitcher that use to sit on the counter in my grandmothers kitchen. It's broken and now has flowers in it, but that will forever remind me of my childhood at my grandmothers house. I don't need a bunch of things in the house that was hers to remind me of her. That one thing will do.

However.......... 

Today I moved Joshua's things. I almost lost it. A single box of diapers and I had tears on my eyes. A box marked "boy clothes" that I had gotten just for him. A box that says "baby memories" that the hospital gave me, holds his foot prints and pictures from the hospital. Things that were his that he never used. Things that hold no memories. He never wore those clothes, so why is it heartbreaking to look at them? There are a few blankets that he was never wraped in, there is a bottle he never drank from,  diapers I've never opened. The only memories I have with this stuff is when I bought it. But I can't let it go. It's mine. Those things are his. I should have needed those diapers. I should have been putting these clothes on the swap page because he out grew them already. 

I never shopped for the girls. I thought it would be easier. It's not. I want to do a shadow box for them but I don't have little socks for them to put in it the way I want. Maybe I will just buy a pack and use them in there. Is that crazy? Buying things for your child who has died? 

Stuff... Things.... Memories.... The lack of memories....  Life and death..... It's just stuff.

My dad and my 2 grandmothers at my wedding. 

Family Ties

My due date with my girls has past. 01/17/14. It wasn't as bad as I thought it may be. I think that's because I would have never made it to that date. My girls would have been born at 36 weeks at the latest. So my due date was a date to go by for development but was never an actual goal or delivery date. Jason and I spent the day together. Paid some bulls. Had lunch. Talked a lot. We don't get the chance to talk just us much and Haleigh actually took a nap in the car so we were able to just talk a while. Having 5 kids and dealing with the loss of 3 more takes it's toll on the body and mind. It also takes it's toll on every relationship you have ever had or will have.

The relationship Jason and I had before baby loss entered our life is nothing like the relationship we have now. In a lot of ways we are better. We are stronger. But we have a lot more communication problems than we use to. I find myself not saying things that I need to say because I don't want to argue. Except sometimes it needs to be said. He doesn't want to hurt my feelings so he holds stuff in too. Then there are parts of us that just wanna be near each other and sometimes when I'm lying with his arms around me I feel our babies wrap their love around us. 

I wish I would have spent more time with my grandparents. You just don't realize when you are 14 years old how important your grandparents are. Now that I'm 31 I know and it's too late ( for most of them). My grandmother was resently in the hospital and now in a nursing home for long term care. She cries for her baby sometimes. I wonder if she had a baby loss that we don't know about. My (step) grandmother Henson had a picture on her wall of a baby girl, I was told it was her daughter. She died as an infant. I wish I could talk to her. My great grand mother miller lost a child at 5yrs old. I wish I could talk to her. My grand mother Walker lost her 5 children in a divorce. She wasn't able to see her kids for years. I never understood these women's heart ach until now. My family and I didn't understand. I didn't lose my children until after these women had passed away or have not the ability to share their stories with me. How I wish I had them by me. But I know they are watching my children in heaven. Taking turns rocking them. 

My mother never lost a child. However she has lost 3 grandchildren. I don't have any grandchildren so I can't say for sure how a grandmother feels. But I imagine that the love you have for your grandchild is as close as it comes to the love you have for your child. I know it's hurt her watching me hurt. I know she would do anything to give me my babies back. She and my dad help me take care of the grave where my children rest. They helped me plan their funerals. They helped me raise money to buy headstones. They are taking care of their grandchildren in heaven the only way they can. Just as I try and take care of them the only way I know how. 

I wish I could say that since their due date has passed that I think about Faith and Hope less but the truth is I think of them more. And I miss them. 

Hope Amelia Greer

This link will take you to a slide show of my favorite pictures of Hope. I have never shared these pictures before. If you don't want to look at them don't click the link.

http://web.photodex.com/view/6p7mbkm4

Faith Aubree Greer

This link will take you to a slide show I made of my favorite pictures if Faith. I have not shared these pictures before. If you don't want to see them don't click the link.

http://web.photodex.com/view/967mbkm4

Joshua Henson Greer

This link will take you to a slide show I put together of my favorite pictures I have of Joshua. This is the first time I am sharing these pictures. If you don't want to look at it don't click the link. 

http://web.photodex.com/view/a77mbkm4

He qualified me

Things are changing for me. My grief is changing from self despair to action and making a diffrance. I got to this point much sooner after Joshua. I made bereavement diapers and donated them all over. After I lost the girls I just wanted to scream and be alone and be mad and sad. I didn't want to help anyone. I simply didn't care.

A few days ago a friend called. She was going to be induced. I was torn. I knew she would labor and deliver by herself. But I couldn't bring myself to go help her through her labor. I wasn't ready for that. I thought about her all night and called her the next day. God blessed her with a short labor. And a healthy baby girl. But she was still alone. No one would be visiting her. Her husband is watching the other young children and hasn't a car.  No family in the area and few friends. It was me or no one. God I prayed to forget. I prayed for her not to need me. I prayed for this not to be what God wanted me to do. I wanted to not care... But I did care and God was telling me to go. 

I went to the store quickly picked up the first pink blanket I saw, a 3 pack of bottles and a newborn pack of diapers. I drove to the same hospital I delivered my sweet babies at walked up to the labor and delivery floor and willed her not to be in any room I had been in. Luckly she had been moved to post delivery and was not in any room or hall I was on. 

The baby was in the nursery. It was shift change. We talked for about 20 minutes and incomes the baby. I froze. She asked if I wanted to hold her. Then quickly said I didn't have to. I took the baby and cried. She cried and I smiled at the sleeping baby girl in my arms and things changed. I sat and staired at her. I fed her a bottle. I changed her diaper and clothes. I snuggled with her. Then I handed her back to her mother. 

I changed. 

I realized I want to be there for mothers. I want to share in their joy when the baby is healthy and I want to help guide them through their pain of stillbirth and miscarriage. But I don't want to be a nurse. As wonderful as my nurses were when their shift ended they went home. They were paid and while they did their job and I will forever remember how wonderful they were. When they left I still needed them. I didn't want to bond with a new nurse. I wanted the one I had all day. That's where a bereavement doula comes in. They help families bond say hello and say goodby to their babies. That's what I want to do. I want to let them know they are not alone and that  they will live through this. I also want to be trained by now I lay me down to sleep so that I can not only support them but take beautiful pictures for them. Help them arrange a service and attend a support group. All free. Donated services for parents who are hurting. Being a trained doula I would also attend "happy births" for a fee. These would allow me to do the others for free. 

I'm not ready to begin my training yet. I'm just starting out getting my books together. Getting my mind ready. However God has put this in me to do this and honestly I Am so confused at why he would choose me. I'm a mess sometimes.

How did we get so many?

I got asked today why I decided to have "so many" children. This person only sees I have 5. They have no idea that I actually have 8 and have been pregnant many more times.

I answered with a simple. I love kids and it's true. I love my kids. But how did we get to "so many"? Well......  I wouldn't change things. I would have liked to finish high school before my first was born but God knew the timing of her birth was perfect. After she was born I decided I wanted just her. She would be my only child. Then Jason and I decided we were going to make it work and get married. I was lazy with my pills and became pregnant. A few short weeks later I miscarried that child. I knew then that I wanted at least one more child. So even though we're not married yet we didn't prevent and I became pregnant again and had a healthy boy. I was told this was the perfect family. One boy one girl. I could be "done" everyone said. I wasn't so sure. But I knew I needed a brake so I took those pills every days at the same time. 2 years later we decided we wanted a third child. We were told we were crazy. I knew we were. That pregnancy ended at 12 weeks when we couldn't find a heartbeat. A month later I was pregnant again we knew we wanted to try again right away and we did. We had another boy. After he was born and made it through the nicu I felt a since of calm. I felt completed. I thought. "This is what being done must feel like"  when he was a year old I had yet another miscarriage. Jason scheduled a V but because of some other medical concerns was unable to get it done. I took my pills at the same exact time each and every day. I was in the type that you take for 12 weeks and then week 13 you have your period. Week 13 came and nothing. Week 14 nothing Week 15 I took a test. It was positive. I went to the dr got an ultrasound and was 11 weeks pregnant. I was less than thrilled. We were done. We were not planning another kid. But I loved him. I didn't know how but we'd manage with 4. And so another bot was born. I thought when he came home " I could do this a few more times." I never went in any pills and before he was two I was pregnant with a little girl. She was born with some Heath concerns and I needed a brake. So I counted days. When she was a year old I found out I was expecting and to my surprise I was excited. A week later I was crushed I had lost the baby. I was very early. I went in to have some positive test and then heavy periods. My dr warned me I may never be able to carry another baby past 4-6 weeks. Then in August 2012 almost 4 years since having my last baby. I was pregnant and stayed that way. We were expecting another boy and while not many in my life understood I was on top of the world. There was nothing I wanted more than to have him. And I did. Way too early we named him Joshua and he died. I declared I would never never have another child. That was it. I would die if I had to burry another child. Then Something made me think. Did I want to end on such a sad note? Before I could answer I was pregnant. Scared doesn't ever begin to cover my feelings. I just wanted the baby to live. I went to see my OB. Twin he said. Oh boy! But no 2 Girls instead! I was finally getting excited when they too left for heaven. I knew then that I would live through burring anothe two children. I had no choice I had 5 kids at home waiting on me. I had to live. I have to live. I realized that if I had not had them at home I may have died. I may not have taken care of me and simply gave up. But that wasn't a choice for me. But I also knew I could not keep having kids too early for life. It was to me, to Jason , to our living breathing children, to our moms and dads. To our sisters. It just wasn't fair. So I did something I said I would never do and had a tubal. I don't regret getting it done, but I said it before and I will say it again. I'm said that I can't have any more children. However that is not cause buy the tubal but by my weak paper thin cervix instead. 

So that's how I got here. That's how we have so very many, much loved, happy, active, caring, loving children.

Dreams

I've written a lot about sleep. Or the lack of, well it seems like I have anyway.

I don't sleep a lot. When I do I dream a lot. I hate my dreams. They are wonderful dreams until I wake up and find myself back in hell and that my dreams were just that a dream. 

Last night my dog could have died. If I had went ahead with the plans that I had earlier that day. She would have died. I wouldn't have been there to beat 2 pit bulls off of her. (I am not against all out bulls, or bulls my dog is a Boxer). I need a new mop now by the way I broke the Handel of mine on one of the hits. They finally let go growled and barked at me. I had a moment of fear and then hit the dog again. I was not going to be attacked In my own back yard from a dog that dug under my fence. No no that was not happening. I got pissed. And then remembered my fur baby had limped into the house. I kept an eye on the dogs and backed into the house. I wasn't alone my sister and oldest son was with me. 

I went into the house to find my dog layed against the door way to the bedroom. I could see blood so I ran and got a towel from the bathroom. Her front paw was dripping and I covered it with the towel I was shaking and when I saw how much blood there was I cried. I just knew she was going to die right there on the floor. She wouldn't walk so I could get a better look. So we called the vet who gave us the number to the ped ER. 3hrs, 1 pain shot and 136$ later we left there with out dog headed to Jason's sisters house. She is a vet nurse and we wanted her to give it to us real. We felt like the ER was not being real with us. Demanded 610$ that night and then another 600 Monday. Jason's sister said it was because they are an ER. We got trixie to them at 1245 and Jason and his sister took her to the clinic. 30 mins later they came back to the house. She had called the main vet and then have trixie some better pain meds, Antibiotics and an IV. She said she expected worse, but couldn't tell us how bad it was. She was still dripping blood. 

I had no choice but to sleep it was 230am. I was slowly creeping on 24 hrs of being awake. The coffee was almost gone. I was sleepy and didn't even need a sleep aid. I feel right to sleep. However my dreams were anything but sweet. They were filled with me trying to keep everything alive. My babies. Pets. Flowers. Everything I touched eventually died. I was glad to wake up from that dream. 

Waking up we were told that Trixie was not as bad as we had thought. She was really beat up, but they are pretty sure she's going to be ok. As long as there is no infection that sets up in her then there is no reason she shouldn't make a full recovery. The biggest thing working against her right now is her age. She's over 10 years old. That's right we have had her longer than 2 of our kids and one was a month old when we got her. I sighed with relief. Maybe everything I touch doesn't die. Or at least not today.  

Tonight though I thought I was going to go to sleep and I did for a minute or two. Maybe it was an hour. Then I was in the back yard and pregnant and the dogs were coming through the fence and my dog was there ready to defend me and my unborn children. I woke up because Haleigh needed more fever reducer. But I didn't want to finish that dream anyway. Some dreams aren't worth the ending. 

Cold

The weather is cold this week. Living in the Deep South we don't fall below 32* much but this week we will every night and it's not warming much during the day either. At least there was a lot of sunshine today. We haven't seen sunshine in over a week. I don't mind the cold, but I need the sun.

I think the lack of sunlight is making my depression worse. I don't want to go up on my depression medication, so I was so thankful that is was bright today. I opened the door and shades and let it shine in. My mood was better today. I didn't feel like I needed to sleep half the day. I didn't feel the need to nap or to just sit either. I've been worried through the holiday that I may be needing an extra medication or to up what I'm on, but I have hopes that I won't if the sun will keep shining. 

My kids have been out if school for two week. They go back on Monday. I'm going to miss them. I don't really get that parents are so ready for them to get back to school. I love it when they are home with me. The first few days are a transition after that it's great. I love having them all In one spot so I can see that they are all there and ok. I know my 3 little ones are ok Jesus has them.  

The new year brings

A new life came into the world this morning while I was fast alseep.

A baby Girl

My friend gave birth to a rainbow. A baby born after the loss of a child is a rainbow baby. Amber lost her baby boy a few weeks before I lost Joshua. She helped me a lot. We were then pregnant together again and while I lost my girls. Her baby girl was born healthy this morning. I am not the least bit upset of jealous of her. This is the first time I have went on my Facebook saw that a friend had a baby and not thought "that should be me". Instead I was just extremely happy for their family. I was so excited that this baby girl made it into the world healthy and that my friend was holding her baby in her arms. 

I wish we lived closer I would go see them and cradle that baby in my arms too. I'm not sure how I will feel about the next baby to be born, but I must be healing in some way to be so happy for someone else. To want to be close to a baby. Maybe it's the connection I feel with Amber or the fact that I know Joshua and Liam are in Heaven playing with Faith and Hope. I know they were making sure this baby girl made it safely here today. 

So Congratulations Amber. And Happy Birthday Baby "E".