Happy Easter

This weekend has been extra hard for me. I'm not too sure why though. Everyday is hard. Friday I went to buy things for Easter. While doing so I bought Joshua an Easter Lily, a yellow egg and bow for it. I took it to him and thought "this is not what I should have gotten my child for Easter" I looked around and thought of some things. A stuffed bunny? It would just get Rained on and dirty. No need for candy. No need for a basket. I was heart broken that forever I will take my baby flowers for every holiday, for ever birthday there will only be flowers. I want to give him so much more than that.



Today we went to an Easter egg hunt that our church was putting on. The kids had a great time. I smiled and some were not even forced but I still thought of how I would never see Joshua hunt eggs. Or even feel grass. There is so much I wanna do with him. And I know I will never get the chance. I really miss my baby. I'm not sure how parents who don't have other kids at home get through the death of their child, because they are the only thing holding me together. They are why I don't give up. My reason for waking up in the mornings.

Happy Easter

5 weeks

If I was to go by the first due date I was given I would be due in just 5 weeks. It's so hard to think of because he would be over 5 pounds and healthy by now. Since my ultrasound pushed my due date back a bit I have a little longer. But it's not any easier. By the time the next 5 weeks are over heaven will have had my son longer than I did. It sucks and it hurts.

I had to give my mom the swing I bought for him. I didn't really want to, but honestly I didn't have anywhere too it it that I would not see it everyday. I had it in the closet and every time I went In there I wanted to sink and cry. So I put it in the truck today and I took it with all the other yard sale stuff to my mothers house. It was hard and I made Jason unload it. I still have his other things they are small and easy to hide away. Tucked at the tip of my closet, just waiting.

I'm hoping to have lost of distractions this May. With softball. School ending and summer coming. But I know that I should have my baby. He should be here all small and squirmy. I miss him.

It goes on and on..... Stuck

When I started this blog I did so to have a safe place to write down my thoughts. So they would stop spewing from my mouth and people would stop thinking I was going to kill myself. That honestly never ran through my head for more than a split second. It was more. "Why can't God take me instead" then I realized it was because I am still needed here to take care of my children and to make sure Joshua's short life would be remembered.

This blog has helped me get things that were rolling around in my head out and in a way heal some. I find I need to use it less. I'm still hurting, but the pain is not as intense as it once was.

I've always had a since of peace over Joshua's death and I think that came From my pastor in part, from the words God lead him to speak to me in the hospital and at Joshua's service. Some of what he said I don't remember and I wish I had voice recorded it so I could remember. I know nothing he said at the grave. Only that he read exactly what I had asked him to. But the church service was different. I listened to him and I felt like the only person in the room and that God was talking to me. Maybe that makes me crazy. But that's ok with me.

Sometimes I think the reason it all happened was so I would be more connected to God. People often need a really good reason to do things. Living right and for God is no exception. Is that the way it's suppose to be? Well no. We. Are suppose to love God and follow him because he loves us. We are suppose to do right because he loves us. But we are human, we are flawed, we live in a fallen world. I now long to be in heaven with Jesus one day. It's a feeling I've never had before. I imagine this is what anyone with faith and has lost a love one feels like. It's not that I want to go to heaven right now it's that I no longer have a fear of dying. There is no fear of the afterlife I know where I'm going and what's waiting there. I know Joshua is there and waiting on me. One day when God calls me home and not a second before I will finally get to hold my son again and kiss his sweet face. The fear of the unknown about what death and heaven would be like has been. Replaced with the joy of knowing when do go that Jesus has a great gift for me there.

I've gotten to a place in my grief that I'm not sure what I'm suppose to be doing. Nothing seems any kind of the same. And I know it never will. I walk by the baby asle at Walmart and I no longer need to run the other way. But I can't shop for other people's babies. I won't be going to the hospital to see any babies and I won't be attending any baby showers. I will not be a nursery worker. Those are all things I use to do. I just can't. The last baby I held is still Joshua and I'm not ready to give that up yet. My arms still ache to hold him. In a way I feel like I'm at a stand still.

Is this it? Is this how in going to feel forever? Is there any other stages of healing I will get to? Am at a stand still it seems.

So while I may not write everyday I do still need this blog. I still need to write down crazy thoughts and get them out of my head. Sometimes they run in a never ending loop and the only way to get them to stop is to write it out.

Life

Life is hard. Life is unfair.

I went to church today. I love going. I feel good when I'm there. I have this overwhelming feeling that God is there and hearing me and liking what he sees there. Sometimes it's an overwhelming feeling of love being poured out of me to God.

I went to Sunday school this morning. First time at this church. The other times I was in a class called growth track. It's. new member class. I only went to half if them and since Jason is signed up for April we are going to restart the classes together.

So to Sunday school I went. I had a good time. I learned a couple things. It wasn't fake. But there were 2 three month old babies and I just wanted to run. I know if he would have been born healthy he wouldn't be 3 months old but I did have Joshua 3 months ago. It's so hard. I didn't expect any babies to be in my Sunday school class. So I will be going to a different one. I just can't handle seeing the smiling, cooing, happiness of these moms and babies, every Sunday. Luckily today both babies were girls.


We made our first in town, in personal donation of Teeny Tear diapers and our first ever donation of Joshua's Gift blankets. It went really well. I had rescheduled about 4 times and it was just to hard some days. But last Friday I was ready. As we were driving I didn't know if I'd be able to get out of the car, but I did and I decided to not think about I was going to labor and delivery but instead think as I was just going for a walk. When I got into the hospital I was thinking. I'm just finding an elevator. I was doing great until we were at the doors and I kinda froze. The manager was coming into the unit though and asked what we needed. All I said before the tears flowed was "a donation". She hugged me and took me back into the brake room. I was able to explain what the diapers were for and the blankets. They were so excited to get them. And I gave them my information to contact me when they need more and they are going to put it in the health magazine they put out 4 times a year. I was also asked to set up and man a table at the Baby Rest ceremony in October. To give diapers to the parents who didn't get one. It's a little overwhelming but also very exciting. All the area hospitals will be there so I'm hopeful that they hospitals will want these and will allow us to donate to them as well.

More little questions.

My Youngest daughter Haleigh had been asking questions today. They come out of nowhere. And disappear just as sudden.

Today she was walking around the house yelling "Joshua" "Joshua" so I asked her what she was doing? She said she was looking for Joshua because. "He's lost mommy, he needs a hug". It took all I had not to cry. I scooped her up and hugged her. She asked me to help her find her brother. Threw tears I told her he was in heaven. She asked me not to be sad. I wish it was as simple as she hopes it it. To just be happy and not sad. To drive to heaven and "get my brother". She sings to him. Mostly Jesus loves me and adds and Joshua in with it. Sometimes twinkle twinkle little star. She prays and asks me to pray with her. Praying is still hard for me but its getting better. She's helping me pray. She always ends with. "And rock Joshua in a chair kiss his head. Amen"

It's the sweetest words I've ever heard

3 months

Sometimes it feels like forever sometimes it feels like yesterday. Today it feels like Hell.

Healing

It's strange how things have went.

This experience has been completely different from what I expected it to be. I never wanted to go through this or ever something close to it. I had some early pregnancy losses and while they did hurt my heart the pain can no way compare to that of loosing Joshua.

My pregnancy with Joshua was going like I had expected. Sick as ever for 4 months just returning to somewhat normal at the half way point. Lost of heart burn. So tired. Really excited. Searching for the right name as soon as we knew the sex. Worrying with ever twitch and pang i felt being excited to feel the smallest movement. Being completely in love with my baby. Then everything changed and everything was and still is unexpected.

My water braking was unexpected. My doctor telling me there was nothing they could do was unexpected. Me having contractions and having no choice but to deliver, becoming OCD enough to clean everything all the time, the people I was able to lean on, the people that I wasn't. All unexpected.

The surprises just dont stop. I have been trying to heal and pray for 3 months. Nothing has helped like I thought it would. Being around lots of people is not what I need. Being with just family and home has been a way to cope. I thought going to a support group would help me but I never really wanted to go. I have instead took comfort in cutting diapers and buying flannel. I would have expected me to want to be around others who could understand but I would rather connect online. With those who can help me through cause they have been there. I am however healing or at least I feel like I am. I feel better most days. And I feel I have more better days than bad days but I still have very bad days. Days that Id rather not get out of bed at all. But those days are fewer

I am scared though. Even though I know I would probably already have had Joshua or close to it. I'm scared for his due date. I'm scared for May and the months that follow it. I know I would not have wet beyond May 6th. And I know he would have been a perfect healthy baby boy by then. Full and developed and mine.

Joshua is so missed. So loved.

Not Fair

Life had really sucked today. I'm sick I have pneumonia. My oldest son Collin is having problems with his Asthma. My youngest Daughter needs medical care 5 hours away. That I was trying to get ready for a benefit yard sale for her that's tomorrow, and keep up with all my normal day to day stuff. Did I mention I have pneumonia? Then I realize tonight that its March. Almost spring.

My first pregnancy was mostly easy I was really sick but it was a textbook pregnancy, I've never had another textbook pregnancy. I don't know what happened between that one and all the others but I have never made it to my due date again.

Joshua was due in May. The 6th actually and that means I would be 32 weeks pregnant now. I can't believe it's been 13 weeks since he's been gone. I can't believe I would already be that far. And possibly have a thriving preemie in the NICU. He'd be 5 pounds by now. He would have looked different with a little fat under his skin. He would have been so perfect.

Life is not fair. Joshua dying was not fair. It's not fair to me. To my other kids. To my family.

Life had really sucked today!!

The photos from Now I Lay Me Down to sleep.

This is a very personal post for me and I don't want to share the complete photos I feel like Joshua is all mine and I don't want to share exactly what he looked like with the world. I'd rather keep that just for me.

But ... I will share some I edited to put effects on and I will say that these photos are the best gift I could have ever received.

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

I am meeting the photographer the did Joshua's pictures this weekend sometime. I have to text her to set up a time to get the CD. I am so excited, Scared, and nervous to get them. I want to let everyone know that sometime in the near future I will be posting these pictures here on my blog. I know some people may be sensitive to seeing Angel baby pictures and that is ok with me if you don't want to see them, but I will be posting them.

Little Questions

My littlest baby is 4 years old. She is such a sweetheart. Of course she can be sassy at times too. But she has a huge heart. I hate to see any of my children hurt pain is however apart of life and apart of this messed up world that we live in.

Physical pain I can deal with I can help and heal physical pain, but emotional pain is harder. You can give hugs and kisses and you can hear them when they need to talk. Hold them when they need to cry. But you can't heal their emotional pain. It's not easier because they are younger. Haleigh has been greatly effected by Joshua's death so much so that I am worried she will need therapy when she's older. My boys have started to ask less questions an Madalyn and I have had deep conversations so she knows everything and I think all her questions have been answers. Except the why and we all have that question.

Haleigh asked me today why her brother died. I told her I didn't know that we would have to ask Jesus when we get to heaven. Of course she then wanted to go to heaven to ask. And didn't understand why we couldn't do that. She doesn't understand why if Joshua is in heaven why he can't come home and why we can't visit him. Her questions are so small yet they have so much meaning. She's trying to understand and I'm trying to help her. I never want her to feel like she can't ask about him or talk about him. We've told all if our children to talk about their brother whenever the need to and to please use his name.

Haleigh's most resent new question is also so small. She wants a baby and keeps asking if we will have another baby. I just tell her that its up to God if he wants to give us another baby or not. Of course she just says he does, because she does. She was ready to be a great big sister. She wanted to help me do everything and was even excited to change diapers with me. And now that's gone and she feels the empty spot left by that and I hope one day we will all feel whole again.

NILMDTS

My pictures of Joshua were mailed out yesterday!!! Whoo Hoo!!!

Sunday Visits

A normal Sunday morning has my family sitting in church, that's not unlike a lot of other families. Most people that we know go to church. We have not been going normally since Joshua was born. We went some in January and then we all had the flu. We went some in February and then Haleigh got sick. And today is the first Sunday in March so we are trying again. Jason goes to working weekdays April 1st. I'm so excited to have him home on weekends again and for him to be able to go to church with us.

So like a lot of other people we got up and dressed and headed to church.

What we do after church is not like everyone else.

After church when everyone else is crowded into restaurants for lunch, we head to the cemetery to visit Joshua.

I go to check on him. To check and clean his angle and to move the leaves. My other kids help me and sometimes I add flowers today I took permanent flowers made from metal. And a butterfly that clips to it. I went to simply get flowers or something bright for Easter/ spring and these were so cute and blue.

I am also going to either make or buy a cross for him for Easter. Oh how I wish I was making him an Easter basket instead.

Since I'd be 31 weeks now. I would be big and so ready for him to be born. I would be walking in an uncomfortable waddle by now and probably on some kind of bed rest. But I'm not. Instead I'm picking out crosses for his little grave.

The next 9 weeks are going to be so hard. I have had babies born and live at this stage so I know what having him now would have meant. How he would have looked. How much he would weigh. How very perfect he still would have been.

9 weeks until my due date. It seemed so far away when I had him and now it's so close.

Break Down

I've been doing really well over the past few weeks. I've been so busy that I haven't had much time to really even think about much. I know it can be bad, but really it felt like a break for me. I've had so much happen over the past 3 months that I feel like haven't had a break from heart break. So having some time to not think had helped somewhat.

There is however a different type of break. A brake down. And that is what I had tonight.

Jason and I purchased a home 9 years ago. After he lost his job 4 years ago we lost that house and we have been renting for 3 years. This week we were able to once again become homeowners. It's such a big step in the right direction. But at the same time the response ability can be overwhelming at times.

So today we started moving. We packed some things and made a few small trips over. Jason had to take Madalyn to her softball game that was 45 minutes away. So I packed some more while I waited on the boys to get home. When they did we made another trip over to the house. That was the breaking  down point.

I, for unknown reasons, decided that trip to load up my closet, as well as everything off and inside my dresser. I started with my clothes and worked my way through some of Haleigh's dresses, then I moved Jason's gun and bow.

And there is was: Joshua's swing.

It was like someone punched me in the stomach. My throat got tight and my chest started to hurt. I quickly pulled it out of the closet and placed it on the floor next to the bed. Behind the swing was a box of newborn diapers.

That did it. I couldn't hold it any more even if I had tried. I sat on the floor in my closet and cried for a good 30 minutes.

Until Landon came to find me. He wanted to go look at the new house again. I composed myself and climbed out of the closet, box of diapers and all. I loaded them in my truck.

After that I grabbed all 6 memory boxes and their baby books. Behind the last book was a plastic shopping bag. What was In that and why was it stuck in the back? Because that's where I shoved Joshua's clothes when I last saw them that's why they were there. The socks. The hats, the one piece out fits, the little bitty blankets.

It's all there still just waiting on me. On him. On someone to use it. Waiting for Joshua to need Them. Waiting for a day that will never come.

I can't let go of these things so I loaded them. Drove them to the new house and tucked them away in the closet again.

I feel bad because I know there maybe people that I could give these baby things to that really need them. For an actual baby.

But I can't.

I can't let someone's baby use Joshua's things. They are his. One day maybe I will be able to give his things away. But that one day is defiantly not today. And will not be a day soon.