When I started this blog I did so to have a safe place to write down my thoughts. So they would stop spewing from my mouth and people would stop thinking I was going to kill myself. That honestly never ran through my head for more than a split second. It was more. "Why can't God take me instead" then I realized it was because I am still needed here to take care of my children and to make sure Joshua's short life would be remembered.
This blog has helped me get things that were rolling around in my head out and in a way heal some. I find I need to use it less. I'm still hurting, but the pain is not as intense as it once was.
I've always had a since of peace over Joshua's death and I think that came From my pastor in part, from the words God lead him to speak to me in the hospital and at Joshua's service. Some of what he said I don't remember and I wish I had voice recorded it so I could remember. I know nothing he said at the grave. Only that he read exactly what I had asked him to. But the church service was different. I listened to him and I felt like the only person in the room and that God was talking to me. Maybe that makes me crazy. But that's ok with me.
Sometimes I think the reason it all happened was so I would be more connected to God. People often need a really good reason to do things. Living right and for God is no exception. Is that the way it's suppose to be? Well no. We. Are suppose to love God and follow him because he loves us. We are suppose to do right because he loves us. But we are human, we are flawed, we live in a fallen world. I now long to be in heaven with Jesus one day. It's a feeling I've never had before. I imagine this is what anyone with faith and has lost a love one feels like. It's not that I want to go to heaven right now it's that I no longer have a fear of dying. There is no fear of the afterlife I know where I'm going and what's waiting there. I know Joshua is there and waiting on me. One day when God calls me home and not a second before I will finally get to hold my son again and kiss his sweet face. The fear of the unknown about what death and heaven would be like has been. Replaced with the joy of knowing when do go that Jesus has a great gift for me there.
I've gotten to a place in my grief that I'm not sure what I'm suppose to be doing. Nothing seems any kind of the same. And I know it never will. I walk by the baby asle at Walmart and I no longer need to run the other way. But I can't shop for other people's babies. I won't be going to the hospital to see any babies and I won't be attending any baby showers. I will not be a nursery worker. Those are all things I use to do. I just can't. The last baby I held is still Joshua and I'm not ready to give that up yet. My arms still ache to hold him. In a way I feel like I'm at a stand still.
Is this it? Is this how in going to feel forever? Is there any other stages of healing I will get to? Am at a stand still it seems.
So while I may not write everyday I do still need this blog. I still need to write down crazy thoughts and get them out of my head. Sometimes they run in a never ending loop and the only way to get them to stop is to write it out.