Healing

It's strange how things have went.

This experience has been completely different from what I expected it to be. I never wanted to go through this or ever something close to it. I had some early pregnancy losses and while they did hurt my heart the pain can no way compare to that of loosing Joshua.

My pregnancy with Joshua was going like I had expected. Sick as ever for 4 months just returning to somewhat normal at the half way point. Lost of heart burn. So tired. Really excited. Searching for the right name as soon as we knew the sex. Worrying with ever twitch and pang i felt being excited to feel the smallest movement. Being completely in love with my baby. Then everything changed and everything was and still is unexpected.

My water braking was unexpected. My doctor telling me there was nothing they could do was unexpected. Me having contractions and having no choice but to deliver, becoming OCD enough to clean everything all the time, the people I was able to lean on, the people that I wasn't. All unexpected.

The surprises just dont stop. I have been trying to heal and pray for 3 months. Nothing has helped like I thought it would. Being around lots of people is not what I need. Being with just family and home has been a way to cope. I thought going to a support group would help me but I never really wanted to go. I have instead took comfort in cutting diapers and buying flannel. I would have expected me to want to be around others who could understand but I would rather connect online. With those who can help me through cause they have been there. I am however healing or at least I feel like I am. I feel better most days. And I feel I have more better days than bad days but I still have very bad days. Days that Id rather not get out of bed at all. But those days are fewer

I am scared though. Even though I know I would probably already have had Joshua or close to it. I'm scared for his due date. I'm scared for May and the months that follow it. I know I would not have wet beyond May 6th. And I know he would have been a perfect healthy baby boy by then. Full and developed and mine.

Joshua is so missed. So loved.