Friday, March 1, 2013

Break Down

I've been doing really well over the past few weeks. I've been so busy that I haven't had much time to really even think about much. I know it can be bad, but really it felt like a break for me. I've had so much happen over the past 3 months that I feel like haven't had a break from heart break. So having some time to not think had helped somewhat.

There is however a different type of break. A brake down. And that is what I had tonight.

Jason and I purchased a home 9 years ago. After he lost his job 4 years ago we lost that house and we have been renting for 3 years. This week we were able to once again become homeowners. It's such a big step in the right direction. But at the same time the response ability can be overwhelming at times.

So today we started moving. We packed some things and made a few small trips over. Jason had to take Madalyn to her softball game that was 45 minutes away. So I packed some more while I waited on the boys to get home. When they did we made another trip over to the house. That was the breaking  down point.

I, for unknown reasons, decided that trip to load up my closet, as well as everything off and inside my dresser. I started with my clothes and worked my way through some of Haleigh's dresses, then I moved Jason's gun and bow.

And there is was: Joshua's swing.

It was like someone punched me in the stomach. My throat got tight and my chest started to hurt. I quickly pulled it out of the closet and placed it on the floor next to the bed. Behind the swing was a box of newborn diapers.

That did it. I couldn't hold it any more even if I had tried. I sat on the floor in my closet and cried for a good 30 minutes.

Until Landon came to find me. He wanted to go look at the new house again. I composed myself and climbed out of the closet, box of diapers and all. I loaded them in my truck.

After that I grabbed all 6 memory boxes and their baby books. Behind the last book was a plastic shopping bag. What was In that and why was it stuck in the back? Because that's where I shoved Joshua's clothes when I last saw them that's why they were there. The socks. The hats, the one piece out fits, the little bitty blankets.

It's all there still just waiting on me. On him. On someone to use it. Waiting for Joshua to need Them. Waiting for a day that will never come.

I can't let go of these things so I loaded them. Drove them to the new house and tucked them away in the closet again.

I feel bad because I know there maybe people that I could give these baby things to that really need them. For an actual baby.

But I can't.

I can't let someone's baby use Joshua's things. They are his. One day maybe I will be able to give his things away. But that one day is defiantly not today. And will not be a day soon.

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