Days, Weeks, Months, Years

How do you count time? In hours, in Minutes? I find myself with two different times in my life. There is the time before Joshua was born. Like our Disney trip over thanksgiving was 3 weeks before Joshua was born. Halloween was about 6 weeks before. The second time is the time after Joshua was born. At first I started counting my new time in days. I left the hospital on day 1. I buried him on day 5. I was alone for the first time on day 8. I went back to the cemetery for the first time on day 12 , Christmas was on day 12. I now find my self counting in weeks My fist trip back to church, my 1st trip by myself to the cemetery, and New Years all happen after the 2 week mark but before week 3. I wonder if I will start counting in months after the 13th of January. That happens to be my sisters youngest child's birthday party. And my youngest living child has surgery on the 14th. I'm hoping I will be too distracted to realize what actual day it is but I really doubt it. I'm sure that day will be no easier than any other day.

I sometimes wish I could just not go anywhere. I hate forcing smiles and faking laughs. But I don't really have a choice. No matter how bad I hurt, the world keeps turning and time doesn't stop. My other children are growing and I'm missing it. I'm only half here in the good moments and well the other times I'm not really here at all. I try hard not to zone out too much. And I try to listen to what they are saying and respond with kindness. But sometimes I wish they would just sleep for a while so that I didn't have to fake a whole day worth of smiles everyday. I get so tired of faking happiness everyday for the past (almost on Thursday) 3 weeks!!

Just another day.

Sundays aren't bad days. I actually like Sundays. I went to church today for the first time since Joshua was born. And since the church is only 2-3 miles from cemetery I went. It was the first time I've been with out Jason and I found it by myself ( Proud of that). We Ha really bad storms here for the past 3 days so the Angel my mom put out there and a lot of his other stuff was knocked over so I made sure I moved all the leaves and picked up and arranged everything. And I realized this is how I am taking care of my baby. Instead of changing diapers and breast feeding. I am cleaning off leaves and setting up angels and buying flowers for his grave. I wish I was changing diapers instead. I already have some that will never be used. I know I should give them to someone who needs one but I'm being selfish and I don't care. I have blankets and a swing and diapers and a few clothes and socks. Those are Joshua's and Im not sure if I will ever be ok with letting them go. He never wore them never touched the blanket but I bought them for him they are his things and I want them. Completely selfish and I am ok with being selfish.

I love my baby so much. No one will ever understand the kind of pain I'm in unless they have been there. Things were not suppose to be this way. Babies are not suppose to die. Mothers are not suppose to bury their babies and take care of their grave. Mothers are suppose to take care of their babies. This is not how things are suppose to go.

Joshua's whole life

In Pictures

Regrets and Thankfulness

I have been reading about what some moms regret and what they are thankful for when the have no choice to deliver as early as I did and it made me think about what I am thankful for and what I regret. I honestly wouldn't change anything about my experience. I mean yes I would change that my water ever broke, but after that the only thing I wish was that I had a picture if him laying in my chest right after delivery. I asked Jason to take a picture of his perfect feet but I didn't think about getting one of him lying on my chest.

Things I am glad I did and that I am thankful for are very many.
I am glad we took so many pictures of Joshua. The nurses took some and everyone was taking pictures of him. That's something else I am glad I did. I let everyone in our families come meet Joshua and hold him. I wanted everyone to know him and by holding him I think they did somewhat. My children came in and each sat on my bed with me and held Joshua for as long as they wanted. They talked to him and he became real to them not just a baby that died but he became their brother that they met that they held. And that was special. I have a picture with me and each of my kids holding Joshua. I didn't think if getting one of just the 6 kids but I can print off all these and make a special picture.

I am glad I asked a lot of questions and was given the grieving package before I delivered so that we could decide on the funeral before delivery.
I am glad that my dr was so willing too answer all my questions 2-3 times and never got angry.
I am glad that I showered before the bleeding got too bad. I am also glad I showered before the NILMDTS lady came to take more pictures.
I am glad I said yes when the NILMDTS Lady called and asked if she could come out still because it was already 830 pm. I haven't got the pictures yet but I am excited to get them.
I am glad Jason was able to stay with me the whole time except for a few hours to go home and reassure the kids that I was ok. He was my Rock and I would have been more of a mess without him.
I'm glad I decided to birth Joshua and not have surgery to remove him from me. If I had chosen surgery I would have had a longer recovery and would have not got to spend as much time with him.
I'm glad we spent until 1155 pm with him I am glad I said no when they asked if I wanted to see him the next morning. I had already said my goodbye and would not have been able to do it again.
I'm glad I got alone time with Joshua to tell him how much I loved him, how much I wanted him, and how sorry I was that I couldn't carry him long enough to give him a chance at life, and to cover him with kisses.
I'm glad I looked at his whole body. That I unwrapped him and studied him.
I'm glad I held him right after his birth

I'm thankful I had an amazing staff taking care of me. My nurses were so awesome my doctors was amazing, the grief counselor was great. I couldn't have asked or received better care.
I'm thankful that I was given a box of everything that Joshua touched including blankets. I wish there was a hat but he was just too small.
I'm thankful I have a few sets if footprints and that they are as perfect as I remember his feet being.
I am thankful to my family for holding me up.
I am thankful for my friends for helping me everyday.
I have a lot to be thankful a for.

2 weeks

It was two weeks ago that I had Joshua in my arms saying goodbye. I miss him so much. i just don't see how i am not going to think of him and everything that happened every Thursday. Thursdays are just never going to be the same no matter what. I find myself more depressed on today. I just want to sleep and that's hard with other kids who want their mom. I dont know how to tell them that the mom who they use to have is gone and left in her place is a woman a mom who i don't know. I still play with my children and i love them just the same, but gone is the want to do anything other than sleep and cry. I don't want to plan anything and if it was not for Jason I'm sure we would be just home and doing nothing. I know Jason is going through things in his own way and staying busy outside the house is making him cope, but its driving me crazy. Right now we are gone to the hunting camp and going home tonight. but Jason wants to come back Monday and stay until Thursday. I am just tired and want to stay home, but if  I'm home alone I get so depressed that i can't even wake up or eat. being alone I just cry all day. I really don,t want to do that. I After that the kids go back to school so it will be back to "normal" whatever that means. I don't like the word normal anymore. All there is for me is "Who I was before Joshua" and "Who I am after Joshua".

What not to say

When a baby dies most people don't know what to say and don't realize that their "I'm sorry" " I'm thinking of/praying for you" goes a long way. And really is the best thing to say.

The nurses at the hospital or the funeral home should give out a list of thing to never never say to patents grieving a child. I've come across a few list and they just are not complete and some things on them I don't mind, like that Joshua is in heaven with Jesus. That is on a don't say list and while I can see that would not be something to say to a non-believer, for me it was a confront that others believed like I did that Joshua was being held and lived in heaven. So there are somethings that have been said that I just wanted to scream at people "really"? Something's that I don't even know how people would think it up.

1. You can have another baby.
Let me just say parents who have lost a baby do not want Another baby they want the one that is gone. They want the child that they can not have. They want the baby, the 2year old to potty train, the 5 year old to walk to school, the 16 year old to teach to drive, the 25 year old to watch as they get married the 30 year old that has a family. That's what we morn. Not just A baby in the cradle. It's the child we will never see grow.

2. Are you going to have another baby?

This goes with number 1. Again we are not thinking about another child. And we have not made up our minds. Joshua was planned as and still maybe our last child. We have been advised to wait at least 6 months before making any life changing choices. So we are giving ourselves a year before we make any choices on having another baby or not. No other child will replace Joshua.

3. What Happened?

Um... My baby died that's what happened. I am ok answering this now but the day of the service or the day it happened not so much.

Joshua was born because my water broke at 19.2 weeks and I went into labor 2 days later and it could not be stopped. I had no choice but to deliver him, Joshua was not still born. Joshua was born and lived for 3 mins.

Nothing we did caused this to happen and nothing we could have done different could have changed what happened. The chances of it happening again are 3%. There is no way to prevent it. There was no infection and Joshua was completely healthy and normal.

3. How are you doing?

This is a good question but if you ask please be ready for an answer other than "fine and ok" because I am not fine and I am not ok. Be prepared for answers like "I'm in hell" or " I feel like crap"
It's ok not to ask if in ok and just know that I'm not ok.

4. You look so skinny you have lost so much weight

Thanks. I'd rather be pregnant and fat!!!!!!!!! And I'm skinny because my baby died and I can't eat. I'm also not sleeping. But yeah I'm skinny thanks for pointing out that I'm not pregnant anymore.

5. You have 5 other kids just be happy and thankful for them.

Yeah cause I'm not already!? I mean really do people think that I'm not thankful for the 5 kids I have here with me and that I don't love them just as much as I did before? People do not have more than one kid because they are not thankful for the 1 they have. I'm not sure about all families but we had more than just one kid because we love our children and we wanted that love to show through or kids and because for me I love to teach and wanted to teach them about God and the world. To teach them as they grow to become something that the world needs.

I love my kids all 6 of them and just because we may choose to have another one in no way means we don't love the 6 we have or that we are not thankful for the 5 we have on earth. I am also so thankful for the 19.4 weeks I had carrying Joshua. I am just sad I didn't get more time with him on earth.

6. At least you didn't know him

I knew him. I knew Joshua I knew him and he knew me. I wish everyone would have been able to know him. To feel him move and kick. They didn't BUT I DID! This pain is no easier because my son died after only 3 minutes. I still hurt, I'm still a mom to a son who is in heaven.

Head Stone and Slab

My parents have set up an account to help pay for Joshua's head stone and slab
If anyone wants to help they can go to

http://www.gofundme.com/joshuahensongreer

Thanks mom and dad

Merry Christmas

Christmas 2012 is coming to a close and it has been a really sad day. The weather is even dark.

Madalyn, Collin, Aden, Landon, and Haleigh had a great day and I can only imagine how wonderful Joshua's day was. Spending Jesus' birthday with him in heaven.

My day here on earth was just hard . I want my baby back and I know I can never have him hear in earth and I don't know how many more Christmas I am going to spend here without him.

I went to see him today at the cemetery and it was cold and windy there so we didn't stay very long. I bought a baby's first Christmas hat for him and when I got there I saw that my mother had gotten an angel and put it out there for him so I put the hat on the angles head. It was a goo d fit. I had all the kids with me and some how I kept it all together and didn't have a complete brake down. We left there and went to my sisters house to celebrate Christmas with my family. I would have really liked to go home and to bed but I managed to go and smile and even eat.

I'm thankful I have such a thoughtful family. But nothing can take this pain away. I know I'm suppose to learn something from this I am suppose to do something, something is suppose to come of this but I'm just not sure what it is.

Christmas Eve

We went to church tonight as a family to the Christmas Eve service at a friends church. It was nice to be with God. But even there surrounded by people I felt really alone and could not wait to leave. I wanted to just do something nice together as a family, and reading Gods words makes me feel closer to Christ as closer to Joshua. Anything that makes me feel closer to Joshua I throw myself into but tonight I didn't have that feeling. Tonight I felt lost. I just don't want to have Christmas this year I just want it to be over. I want to go to sleep and wake up from this nightmare. Christmas use to be my favorite holiday, it use to make me feel good inside and now I only feel pain and sadness.

Confusion

That's the emotion of the day.

Confusion.

I don't understand why some people do the things they do and say the things they say. And why others don't say what's needed to be said.

Nothing can be said to make me feel better but that doesn't mean I don't want to hear from my "friends" I am finding out very quickly that I have very few real friends.

I read somewhere that we get disappointed in people when we expect them to do for us what we would do for them. I know there are people that have yet to contact me at all that I would have Been the first one at the door helping.

I do have great friends though they are few. The ones I have have called, they have text, they have left messages, they have brought us food. And made me feel less alone at all at just the right times with their cards. My and Jason families have been rock solid for us and that has been the best blessing through all of the sadness.

I know it's Christmas time and no one wants to think about death. Especially the death of a child. Do you think I do? I don't want to think about this at all, but I don't have a choice. This is my life. This is the hell I'm in right now and you don't have to like it or help me through it. One day I will not have to fake a smile one day my laugh will return and I will feel happiness again. When that time comes don't expect me to be ok with being around the ones who have turned from me. I will never be the same person I was before. I wish I could go back 2 weeks ago and be happy and be pregnant. But I can't this is my new life, my new normal. I am forever changed.

Sad

That one word sad, sums up so much of how I'm feeling everyday. Just SAD.

We finished Christmas shopping tonight and I feel sad that I will never get to shop for Joshua. I got him an orderment but I want to buy him a mobile, a teddy bear, a a rattle. What would he have liked. Would he have liked Mickey Mouse or toy story or maybe power rangers instead. Would he have been and outside type kid or more into video games? Those are questions I will never get answers too and it hurts. I hurt not knowing. I want to know who my baby was. I want to know his smell, the way he would have looked after a bath with his hair all a mess. I want to know his favorite color and the way he like his Cereal in the mornings.

I sure do love and miss someone who I know very little about.
But there are things I do know

I know Joshua would have been tall, long legs like his daddy and long fingers like his mom. I know he liked to be up and kick at night. I know he didn't like tomatoes or popcorn. I know he loved water, so maybe he would have loved to fish as well. I know that he would have had blond hair almost white like Haleigh's, he had eyebrows that were very blond. I know that he had a dimple in his chin like Landon has and his lips were also shaped like Landon's. I know he would have been amazing and I know he would have been so loved here in our family. We all love and miss him so so much.

Alone

For the first time since Joshua was born I'm alone. Haleigh is still asleep, Jason is at work and until 2 the other kids are at school. I feel alone. I don't like it at all.

Haleigh needs her sleep. Jason had to work. The other kids needed school. I need to not be alone. But I really don't have a choice.

I'm so tired, but I can't go back to sleep. I've started having bad dreams, dreams that are so bad I will not write them down here. The only way I can sleep with our waking up in a sweat crying is with medication. I can't do that forever. I don't know how to get the dreams to stop any other way though.

I have to go shopping tonight with Jason to finish Christmas shopping. I'm not looking forward to it at all. I hate going out in public it makes my heart race and makes my head spin. So there again I self medicate. I'm going to run out of pills before this gets better because if all the outings we have this time if year. Then next week we are going to my mother in laws house. I hope I can relax there. I really don't want to have to be medicated the who time but if I'm not at home I feel like I'm in a panic. I hate it.

I just want to go back. Go back 2 weeks ago when everything was ok. Back when I was happy and pregnant. I want to get out of this dream and go back to my real life getting ready for Joshua to be born full and healthy. Not this hell. Not this life I miss my son. I miss my life.

Today I'm Alone.

Anger

Apart if grief is Anger. I'm not sure what that really means and who exactly I am suppose to be angry at. I'm not mad at myself there is nothing I could have done. I'm not mad at Jason he had been so wonderful and understanding. My sisters my mother my father all of Jason's family that I count as my own. Everyone has been here for me. While I do not understand God I know I. Am not suppose to understand why he does things still I am not mad or angry with God. I wish Joshua was still here and that God had not taken him, but there is no anger directed at God. But yes I am angry. I'm angry at people that should have been there for me people that everyone thought would be there but I have yet to hear form them. Even a week later I have heard nothing from them. So you maybe asking what kind of "friend" doesn't even leave you a message. Well apparently the kind I use to go to church with.

I have been apart of this church as a member for almost 4 years but have been attending for closer to 6 years. There were 3 people that commented that they were sorry for my loss. And 1 person that called me, but the person that called me I knew before going to the church I have known her for 8 years. So I don't count her as @"from the church". It's not like I was expecting them all to come over and sing to me but a text message, phone call, an unexpected meal, a flower at the service. Something to say hey we prayed for you. But nothing ever came. I thought it had the day if Joshua's service I missed a phone call from the church. I listened to the message and my heart filled with hate for everyone there. I defriended them all on Facebook and left the church groups on there too. So what could the message had said that would do that??simple. There was an older lady that died Monday. Her services were Wes. Night and then Thursday morning at the church. They called to see if I could bring food to the church Thursday for the family. I wanted to call them back and scream "what about me, what about Joshua" "what did you do for him" "was he not as important" but I didn't and I'm not going to. Maybe they are mad that I didn't use the church for services. But we don't have a preacher or anyone who could do a service. So I chose to use my sisters church and pastor who I have met 3 times and who came to the hospital to pray with me while I was in labor. No one came from my church to do anything.

I now count the people of my sisters church to be my home church and we will be moving my letter over there I don't want to be associated with anyone at the other church ever again.

1 week

Happy one week birthday Joshua. Mommy loves you.

Normal

When I delivered Joshua my doctor asked if I wanted any testing done. Jason and I decided we did. So my doctor collected 3 samples. One being cord blood, then a actual piece of cord, and a section of the placenta. He then drew 2 tubes of blood from me and sent them to be tested for all kinds of things. So today my doctor calls and says everything was normal. EVERYTHING!! there was no infection, no abnormal cells/blood. Our blood had not mixed. There were no genetic disorders. Joshua was perfect and healthy. So we have no medical reason for my waters braking the fact that "it just did" was harder to hear than I thought it would be. I really wanted there to be a reason of some kind. So I could know why, but the answers will never come. Not until I am with Joshua again and can ask him what happened.

I can only hope he felt my love from the inside for the 19 weeks and 4 days I was able to carry him. And for the 3 mins I held him in my arms before he went with the angles to be with Jesus.

Joshua Henson Greer Obituary: View Joshua Greer's Obituary by Mobile Register

Joshua Henson Greer Obituary: View Joshua Greer's Obituary by Mobile Register

Hardest Day

I really thought the day Joshua was born and died was the hardest day of my life I really thought no other day would be as hard as that one. Today I was proven wrong. Today I had to sit helplessly as my child was laid to rest. I didn't want to do it. If I could have just stayed in the car then it would not have been as real. I could have made myself believe it was not real. But they made me get out of the car they made me sit in a green chair and stair at the white box that held my child. I wanted to rip open the box and hold him myself breath life back into him give my life for him. I sat there helpless with my daughter on one side my husband on the other listening to the preacher read palms 139. I love that vs. and now it hangs on my walls a reminder that God is with me in my pain. Always. Then it was time to go to the church for service. It was nice and I have little memory of what was said and who was there but I know everyone that matters in my life was there.

My heart is broken. I'm broken, I'm broken.

Bad dream

Maybe I'm suppose to start a new blog and explain why I'm writing or what I'm writing about. But I don't want to. I want to wake up this is the worse dream I've ever been in. This is not my life. This is not my life. I go to sleep and pray when I wake up that this will be over. I wake up every morning stuck here stuck I'm a bad dream and I can't get out. This is not real it hurts too much please let me wake up.