Lost

Sometimes I feel a little lost. Like I should be doing something, Like I should be planning something researching something and I have no idea what that something is. Its the same feeling you get when you know you are forgetting something, but you can't seem to think of what that thing is, until you leave the house. I have that feeling all of the time. I know I am suppose to be doing something. What is it?

Planning

I am suppose to be planning for twins, I am by nature the most planned person you will ever meet. I can not just let things come as they may I must plan things and make list and then check it and change what needs to be changed and plan some more. Its not a bad thing, not really. I am always prepared, and I always know what to expect for the most part. I am just a planner. I hate not knowing when something is coming. Pregnancy was always hard because you never know exactly when baby is coming and I would plan "if it happened this or that day".

I now have nothing to plan

I was planning for Joshua. That was so interrupted i had nothing to replace it with, so I fell into a hole. and stayed there a while. Then Haleigh needed emergency surgery and that was not planned, I panic when I dont have time to plan, but I could then plan the next trips and surgery.

I was planning for my girls, I was researching what sleeping arrangements were best for twins, what carseat were best for smaller preterm babies, I was planning a celebration of life for them, I was lining up help in the early days, I had planned a section for 36 weeks, December 20th. I would have twins by Christmas...... Now there is nothing to plan, I have no where to put that energy. I feel like I'm slipping, back into the hole of nothing. Back to being Lost

My feelings

So I was asked today if I was sad about having a tubal. The person asking had read my blog where I had said I was sad about it and wondered if I was sad the why would I do it. This person is a friend and it got me thinking. If she wondered maybe others were wonderig too. And I must not have cleared that up already. So here it is.

I am not sad about having a tubal ligation. I am sad about not being able to have more children. 

Now you may have read that and be thinking. What? You had surgery to not be again. Yes, yes I did. But that is not why I can't have children. That surgery is why I can't get pregnant again. It had nothing to do with why I can't have another child. 

Now your asking well if you can get pregnant then you can have another child right? Well... No, actually that is not right. I have no problem getting pregnant. I never have had that problem. My problem is staying pregnant long enough to have a child at the end of the pregnancy. I have had many early losses. Some only me and Jason know about. Some that are what is called a chemical pregnancy. Where if our home test were not so sensitive we would never know I was pregnant. Those while they were hard, were not as hard for me as losing Joshua or Faith and Hope. 

I realize that those early losses are harder on some women. And believe me I griefed for them, and I believe some women hurt for early losses just as bad as I did for Joshua, Faith, and Hope. But for me the pain was less with the early losses. 

I did have a tubal to not get pregnant, because there is nothing doctors can offer me (except major surgery in another state, and even then there is risk) to help me carry a child to viability. And that makes me sad. 

There are always possibilities for our future that we don't know about. I don't believe titanium clips will stop God, if that's his plan for me it will be. 

I think emotionally I needed this. I needed to know that I am doing everything humanly possible to prevent this from happening to my family again. My head knows that. My heart knows it's really not up to me. Nothing is. If it was up to me. I'd have Joshua he would be 6 months old. And I would be 5 months pregnant with twin girls. It would be hard. I would be tired. I would probably be complaining about how tired I was. And I wish I could be complaining about that. That is what I would have if it was up to me. 

So yes I'm sad. I'm angry still, but less so every day. I am thankful I am a mother. I am greatfull that I got to carry twins even though I didn't get to parent them. I am still the mom to Identical twin girls and they were so beautiful. I am still the mom to 4 boys and 4 girls. I love all 8 of my children. I regret none of them. I never will 

Recovering

I am drafting a big blog. As you can probably tell from the spelling eras I never really do that. I also blog mostly from my iPhone or kindle. But I wanted to blog about my experience of my tubal, because I was given misinformation. I know everyone's experience is different, but it seems mine was completely different than anything I read or heard. So I have been drafting a blog from going to the hospital that morning through my follow up appointment in two weeks. Today isWednesday. I had my tubal done on Monday, I am doing better today. But my recovery has been far from easy, but I am physically ok. Emotionally I am better than I thought I would be. I have a calm that has been placed over me. I did cry a little before surgery, I have cried a little since. I know this was right though, life choices are just sometimes hard.

Today is Aden's 10th Birthday (he's my 3rd child). He was my 1st to spend time in the NICU, I can't believe he is 10 already. Time has really flown by. He is such a fire ball. The world better watch out for him. He's coming full force.  

6 weeks

It's so hard to believe that the girls have been gone almost 6 weeks. I miss them. I didn't get to feel them move much. It was early still. Time is going by so fast. I feel like I have been standing still and the world has been moving in around me. I didn't realize it was the end of September. My kids have already brought home progress reports. I'm missing their school year I missed it last year being pregnant and then losing Joshua. And this year losing the girls. It's all a fog. I hope they never ask what they did in 1st,4th,7th and 9th grade because I won't really know what to tell them. I love them so much but I can't keep up with what they are doing and learning when I can hardly keep up with just life.

Just a short year ago we were clueless on all things baby loss. Completely happy and expecting our 6th baby. No idea what the next year would hold for us. This year has completely sucked. Is it 2014 yet? 

Choices

Choices we make with our heart.

  We go through most of our lives making choices with our hearts. If we really sit and think about it. Playing sports, marching in the band, Dance lessons, we either made the choice or our parents did when we were little, when we are old enough we continue to do these things simply because we love them. We watch the sports teams on tv that we watched based (mostly) on what our parents watched, we are attached to the memories and that team, we make the choice to watch with our hearts. Who we date, who we fall in love with, who we marry, when to have children, sometimes even where to live. Most people make those choices with their hearts. Never thinking about what could really lie ahead. 

Choices we make with our heads.

After we live for a while in the real world we start to make some of our choices with our heads. While we may still make some with our hearts, some are just not that easy. We have to move for a job, leaving the place where we thought we would live forever. That choice is made with our heads. Stop playing the sport we love or dancing because of an injury. That choice is made with our heads. Who we allow into our lives and that of the lives of our children, that choice is made with our heads. 

Wanting to follow your heart, choosing to follow your head.

There are just somethings that you much allow your heart to make your choice and then there are others that you must make the choice to follow what your head is telling you even though your heart tells you different. That is how I feel. 

I want to make sure everyone knows that no one is pressuring me into having a tubal, but myself. Jason yes agrees with me, but he is not pressuring me to have it done, I could tell him tomorrow that I changed my mind and he would accept that. Other people who have asked about it, they are not pressuring me either, and honestly even if they are trying to make sure I go through with it, the opinions of people who I haven't asked for do not matter to me at all. If the did I would only have 3 children. My doctor is not leaning one way or the other, he has given me complete facts, not his feelings and if I want to back out he would not blink and eye. 

If I was to follow my heart to would have called it off already, I love being a mother. I knew from the time I was very young that I wanted to be a mother and I wanted a lot of children. If I was to follow my heart, I would tie the top of my cervix closed in a major operation in NJ, and then try again to have a live birth. 

I have to follow my head. My head is telling me that I have 5 living children who need their mother. They need a mother who is here for them, not off getting surgery to try to have another baby, not a mother on bed rest for months. They also don't need any more loss in their lives, neither do I. I know better now that no life, no day is guaranteed to us. Each day is a gift from God, but tomorrow is promised to no man. My head is telling me that My heart and theirs can't take anymore of this, and that makes me sad. I have broken my children's hearts and I can't do it again. So I am following my head to not have anymore children. I am making the choice and I am sad about it. 

Losing and burring another baby is scarier to me, than never having another live birth. 

Praying before you choose

I have been praying for 5 weeks about is this what God wants me to do, and ya know what, I still don't know. If God doesn't give you an answer what do you do? Go with your head? Wait? Is God telling you to wait, is that his answer? I honestly do not know. I have some peace about my choice, but a lot of it I think is relief from the fear of loss.(I am also afraid of surgery), Did God give me that peace? I dont know. What I do know is that 2 little metal clips (one on each tube) is not going to stand in God's way. If it is in his plan that I have another child then I will, that makes my choice to have a tubal void and then I am only really doing it for peace of mind. Right? 

I can tell you that unless I catch pneumonia from sitting in the rain and wind tonight at the football game, I will be having surgery on Monday at 1230pm. I can say I am sad and that is OK. I can say that I am at peace with the decision I have made and that I am and will be OK. I can say that this has been a hard choice to make and I wish I didnt have to make a choice at all. I should still be pregnant after all!

Pre-op Appointments

I went to my OB and the Hospital today for pre-op. The waiting room was less crowded but there were still happily pregnant women there. There was one who found out she's having twins, the ultrasound tech said this was the 4th set of twins she has seen this week. Well thats nice for them huh?!? Any way I may see if there is a day or time that they only see non-pregnant women. I mean I can dream right?!

I had my Labs done and passed, my Iron levels had to be 10.9 or higher mine was an 11. Low end of normal, but normal enough for surgery. My nurse asked me if I was sure. I told her I made this decision with my head not my heart. My head is sure. I could tell she had never heard that answer before, because she just looked at me for a moment and then said ok. I think she was confused. I was then sent to the hospital, they got all my information in their computers and then I was sent to talk to the pre-op nurse. It was the same one I talked to on the phone Tuesday. She was really nice. One of the questions they asked on the phone was "When was your last period?" I told her I didn't know that I had delivered 5 weeks ago and not had a period yet. I could tell she was smiling and asked if I had a Boy or Girl. In one long sentence I stated, "Twin girls, they were early and didn't make it, I haven't had a period." She was quite for a moment and then said she was so sorry, and she didn't mean to upset me. I told her I knew she didnt know and had to ask those questions and it was ok. We then moved on. Today she asked me if I had any reservations about having the tubal, I had Joshua, Faith and Hope at this hospital and she had my chart so she knew now what I have been through. I told her I have 5 children who are heart broken, I told her "this choice was one we made with our heads, not our hearts" She just looked at me with sympathy, said ok and gave me the information I needed. told me all my labs look good and what time to be at the hospital on Monday, and she would see me then. And that was it. I plan on using the same answer if anyone else asks me on monday if this is what I want, or if I am sure. My answer is, We made this choice with our heads not our hearts. My heart will always be broken. There is no way to fix it, or to make it whole, there are 3 parts of it missing.

Complaints.... Being Thankful

Some days are better than others for me, I have been having more better days than bad days, however I am still having some really bad days. I have things that bother me. Triggers some people call them, that make me feel worse, or make my day a bad one.

Complants, I cant stand it when people complain about the kids that they chose to have. I use to do it too. Say how tired I was because I had 3 kids up and sick all night, but now I think of how lucky I was to have those kids to be up with that night. And how in this great thing we call life how short one little night of no sleep really is. Heck, how short a few months of no sleep with a newborn are. I don't understand how people can be so ungrateful for what they have in their arms. Be grateful for the sleepless nights, the days of colic and the long long days stuck in the house with your baby. You have no idea how many women including me who would trade the pain I feel now for your sleepless days and nights.

   Then I think I am so glad the one complaining have no idea this pain and still live in a world where bad things don't happen to good people. Living in a world where if you are a good person, and you eat all the right foods, see all the rights doctors, have all the right test, have faith in God that everything will work out for you, that bad things happen to bad people, good things happen to good people who follow all the rules. I wish I still lived in that world with these people who complain. I wish I could still complain and not have my heart be crushed.

  I am carful. I am carful to hold my hand on my mouth when I want to complain about being too busy, I am carful to not get angry when the kids don't sleep well, when they are sick and need their mom, when they are sad, when they are just being needy.

  I am thankful, I pray that one day every mom will be as thankful for the things I am thankful for. I am thankful for my children's lives, I am thankful for every softball tournament that kept me at the ball park until 2 in the morning. I am thankful for the next morning of being back at 7am. I am thankful for every cub scout campout. I am thankful for every football game, Every early morning waking up to get them to school, every late night studying for the big test, or forgotten about project. I am thankful for ever fight I have ever had with my children, I wish I would have been thankful enough at the time to just stop fighting and hug them. I am thankful for every day I sat in the hospital next to my children. For every copayment and doctors appointment. Every late night ER visit. Every single payment I have ever made to keep them healthy and to keep them happy. Every long car trip to special doctors. Every late night sitting up crying because I didn't know what to do. I am thankful for it all. Its a beautiful thing to be a mother, and I am sad that not every mom sees it as a blessing the way I do.

 I am sad I will never have another blessing in the form of a child. But, that in no way means I am not thankful for the ones I have here with me and the ones that have gone before me. I have 8 children who I am thankful for. I know some people may not understand how I am thankful for death, and I am going to say that is not easy. I would much rather have my babies here and be thankful for no sleep. But that is not my reality. This is.... I am thankful I have things that I can prove my children were here, and they were real. I have pictures, I have footprints, I have memories of them. I felt them move. I watched them grow inside me. I saw their hearts beat on the screen minutes before they were born. They were alive, they were here, they mattered. I am thankful God chose me to be their mother. Some people are not equipped to be mothers to angels. I was sure after Joshua was born and then died that I would die, I didn't see anyway i would live though that pain. Then I lived through is birth, Then the day after I woke up, I woke up the day after that and the one after that and after that. I dont know how I got through the first few weeks. I go back and read what i have written here in those early days and I am not sure who the person is that wrote that. I was in such a fog. After a few months the fog lifted and began to believe I would live through  the pain of losing my son. It would be painful, but I could do it. I didnt have a choice I had 5 kids counting on me. When I found myself pregnant with the girls, I believed things would be ok. The things that happened to me would not happen again. I was a good person and I did all the right things and everything would be ok. Then it wasn't ok. Even when things looked really bad I prayed and believed my girls would be ok. I cried everyday for a week before they were born, I believe that helped me cope with their birth. I was mad I was angry that God had chose me to be their mother. I didn't want to be the mother of more Angels, I wanted them to live. I believed if I prayed enough and wished it enough and believed it enough that it would be so. That I would wake up pregnant or that they would live somehow. I wanted to be the mom that rocked them to sleep not the mom that buried them. I am now thankful for them, I am thankful to be their mother. I am thankful that they felt my love, that they were born to a mother that would wrap them in blankets, hold them tightly and cover them in kisses. I hold their hands and rubbed their toes. Other mothers may not have been able to do that, so I am thankful they got that, even though its not what I wanted.

  Some how this is what I needed, God doesn't really give us what we just want, he does however give us everything we need. We live in a world of sin, God didn't rip my babies from me, sin did. Not my sin. The sin of the world.  I did nothing to cause this to happen, no one caused it, there is no one to blame, except there is evil in the would and we live in a fallen world, their will be heartache and pain until the day God comes back for us. I use to be sad that the world would someday end. I wanted it to wait so I could watch my children grow, so that I could grow old with Jason, so I could see my grandchildren be born. I think differently now. I am waiting, waiting for the day Jesus comes back and wipes me tears away, Takes me from this pain and world full of sin, and to a place where I will forever be with him, and my children. I know God doesn't take delight in my sadness. I know he never wanted this sadness for me. I just have to figure out why I needed to be the mother of 3 angel babies, and what good can come out of this. Everything can be used for the goodness of God. I'm not sure where the goodness is in this right now, I have been thinking on it and how I can make this a good thing. I come up empty every single time.

Visions

When you were small, do you remember what you visioned your life to be like when you were big? Is that how your life turned out?

I can say my life is nothing like I visioned it would be when I was small. I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to help sick kids. It didn't matter what kind of sickness they had, I just wanted to help them get better, and in my small eyes that is what doctors did. I also knew I wanted to be a mother. From a very young age I wanted to be a mother, and I wanted a house full of children.

I never imagined that 5 kids would seem like a small amount, I never thought 5 kids wouldn't be a house full. We had actually decided that 3 was full, then came Landon and then we knew we weren't ready to be done, then came Haleigh and we weren't sure. I felt for a long time that we were full with the 5 that we have, but as they grow older I realized that 5 is not a large number of children. It may have been when they were all 10 and under, but now that Maddie is 15 and Haleigh is creeping up on 5 years old. The house seems quieter. Seems bigger, their stuff doesn't take up near as much room as it use to. And I miss them being little. I was prepared to have another baby and then my heart was crushed. I was then preparing to have twins. Mentally it was taking a while and when it sat in I was just starting to look at matching carseats. When I was crushed again.

My Vision of the life I had planned never showed up, but I've always thought I had something better, that my life had turned out the way it was always meant to turn out and even if I never got to save sick kids, at least I get to help my own stay healthy.  I was giving my children life and that was enough. Until now, I just don't see how this is better. This is not what I wanted ever. I never wanted to have babies that were not savable, Babies that would never have a chance at life. I never envisioned that I would hold babies that had died, that I would burry them only a few days after their births. I never imagined I would be so unhappy all of the time.

This is not how my life was suppose to be, it wasn't suppose to turn out this way.

Not ready

As someone who blogs her feelings, and most of her thoughts you would think there is nothing that I hold back. And that is simply not true. There is a whole list of things in a notebook that I am simply not ready to let the world in on. Some of it may never be written here. Sometimes I think...."oh what's the big deal..blog it". Then I think "well because that's too much". It's not too much to write or to think about or to read. It is however to much for my heart to see in print. Too much for me to release. Things I hold on to. Details that are just mine, that I don't want to share with anyone. Just like the clear pictures of my angels that I will not share. Am I ashamed of the way they looked? No never. Am I scared at the way people may react at seeing pictures of babies born so early? No never. That is a simple fact that their pictures are ones of the few things that I have that's just for me and my family I share.

Most people have a life time of memories with their children so sharing a few memories and a few pictures is no big deal. But imagine if you can for just a moment that you only had a very brief time with them. You have a limited amount of pictures and a limited amount of memories and details. All of them happened in less than 48 hours. You would probably hold them close and not let the world in on you most prized memories and pictures. You guard them with your heart. And what you do let out is just the tip of what you experienced. The love you pour out on pages is just the start of the love you feel, for these littlest of angels. The anger you express is just the start of how you feel. 

One day I maybe ready to express some of the things I'm not ready to write about yet. I may never be ready for other parts if it. 

12 Years...... and 1 month

12 Years 

September 11, 2001

I was sitting in our home, without a phone (not everyone had a phone) watching the Today Show, waiting on my two children to wake up, so that we could start breakfast and watch PBS kids, until outside time. I had them going on a pretty set schedule since it was just the 3 of us most of everyday. Jason was driving a truck locally, but gone everyday all day long. The kids were still asleep when the Today Show, started reporting that there had been a plane crash in New York City, The first live footage I saw there was just 1 of the WTCT on fire. It was being reported as an accident and it was a bad one, reports were that there were people stuck on the top floors. Not long after, while still watching the show, we watched live as the 2nd plane hit the other tower. The anchors (Matt and Katie) were silent, they didnt have any more information than I did. They broke for commercial. I went to check on my babies, they were sleeping in today.  I went back to the TV and curled up on the couch. When it come back on, The first thing I remember them saying was "this was no accident". I saw the burning buildings, I couldnt turn it off, they said they were grounding all flights, they said the Pentagon was hit, they said a plane went down in a field. They said a lot of people died, they said a lot. I had not way to get in touch with Jason, but I was so happy to have him home. The kids played out side a lot that day, I could see them in the back yard from where I sat watching them and the TV at the same time, By bed time I was mental done. We didnt watch much of that the next week, I put on movies for the kids. There was no reason for a 3 and 1 year old to watch that over and over agin. My parents came out to check on me the next day. 

That is just one day in my life I will never forget the events of, there are others though that I know all the details of. 

July 8, 1998- The day I became a mom, Madalyn was born

November 8, 2000- The Day I became a mom to a son- Collin was born

September 25, 2003- The Day I became a mom to a preemie- Aden was born

July 19, 2006- The day I became a mom to my 3rd son and a high needs baby. - Landon was born

November 10, 2006- The day I became a mom to my 2nd Daughter, and "medically frail" baby - Haleigh was born.

December 13, 2013- I became the mom of my 4th son, To my first forever sleeping baby, - Joshua was born.

Then there was a month ago today. 

August 11, 2013- I became the mom to twins, to my 3rd and 4th girls. To my last children- Faith and Hope were born. 

I remember every detail of every one of their births, I remember the loud cries from the delivery room, or the faint cries from the OR, I also remember how silent it is when a baby is born still. I remember the sounds of my own cries as they were born, I remember my own words of "Please give them to me".

There are some days of your life you never forget, some you remember from how bad the day was and how many people suffered and you remember it along with thousands of other people. Some days you remember all by yourself, Painful as they maybe to remember you still smile when you think of those days, it was the day you had waited for, the day you got to meet your baby (babies). and it doesn't matter if they screamed or if they were silent they were all STILL born. And they all STILL matter. 

4 weeks

Today marks 4 weeks since the girls were born. Well in 15 minutes it will be 4 weeks and one day. So by the time this post it will be Monday.

I think about them on Sundays. How my Sundays would have been having twin girls. I had dreams of blond twin girls for years before I actually got pregnant with them. And of course they were alive in my dreams. It makes me think it was a mistake. That them dying was a mistake that they were suppose to make

It. That the dreams I have been having for 3 years was suppose to materialize. Bit God doesn't make mistakes and I know if the girls had a life plan longer than the 17.2 weeks that I carried them that they would still be safely tucked inside tonight. I wonder why I have such vivid dreams of these twin girls if I was never going to get to actually have them. It makes me mad and sad all at once. 

I've come to realize that grieving twins is much different than grieving for a single baby. Not just because there are two babies to grieve for, but because even though every pregnancy and baby is special. Twins are extra. Add to that specialness that they were a complete surprise and we were doing nothing to get pregnant, add in that they were identical meaning nothing we could have done could have made that happen. It really is just a fluke or God may be that gives you identical twins. No one knows what makes that egg split. I was preparing to not only have a baby, but have twins. I not only loss the pregnancy. But I lost the chance to feel two babies move around together. To parent twins, I lost the moment to be a mother to multiples. On top of that is everything else that I missed and will miss with Joshua. All the first. Everything all our plans are gone. I'm not sure how to "move on" from the plans we had made. To be parents again, then parents to twins, to now never new parents again. 

Joshua would be (if born on his due date) just turned 4 months old. I wonder what he would look like. I wonder what his personality would be developing into. I wonder where we would be. Would I be happier? Would we have moved? Would my other children be happier? What would my life be like if I didn't have to go to the cemetery to be with 3 of my children. Who would my older children be if they had not experienced such heart ache at such tender ages? Questions I will never get answers to. 

The process of grief

It's so confusing to go through more than one stage of grief at a time. Since grief isn't linear there is no time table, there is no guide.

It's been so different than with Joshua. When Joshua was born, my heart broke. It was in completely in pieces. I hurt. From the day I had him and for months after I physically hurt. I went in and out of anger and sometimes in the beginning I walked around in a fog, but most times I just hurt. 

Being pregnant again was healing. Even though it ended badly it was still a healing experience. When the Girls were born I hurt, just as deeply. But I believe my mind blocked some of the pain, I don't believe if I would have processed what was happening I would have lived. I honestly believe, I was in shock and was numb for a while. That's what my brain had to so to cope with such a great loss. That's why I could smile and joke, the night the were born. That's how I took all the pictures I did, that's how I kissed them good bye. 

Anger has been really hard. I've tried to focus all my anger on the medical community for not having better treatments in place for pPROM and preterm labor. For not being able to save my babies. It's their fought. I also carry with me guilt. And the fact that even though I did everything I could it wasn't enough. My best sucked! And I'm trying to find a way for that to be ok. 

Guilt is anger directed at yourself. 

Being numb has taken a while, but it has worn off more and more each day. And I've smiled less and been more stressed. I feel like I did in the beginning with Joshua. I feel like my heart has been crushed. That however doesn't mean I'm going backward in my journey through grief. It actually means I'm moving forward. That my brain is now able to handle some of this hurt. That its not pushing it away and ready to deal with some of it. 

A Month

I can't believe it's been a month since my water with Hope started to leak. August 5th, around 11 pm. I of course called the on call OB, but I couldn't really tell what was going on. The leak was so slow, the only reason it wasn't more was because Faith was blocking the water from leaking out. I was admitted into the hospital the next afternoon. That was a month ago. That week I spend wondering if my girls would make it was so long. Yet the month since has went by so fast. I would be coming up on Viability now, and I would be getting ready to go into the hospital, praying they would be ok. Instead I'm trying to find a way to be ok. I'm trying to find a way to cope. Trying to hold my life together, to not let anything else fall apart. I am trying, although sometimes it feels like I am failing. My children worry about things they shouldn't... Like "is mom ok" and "is mom in a good mood today"..... Mom should always be ok, and always in a good mood. I wish they were too young to remember what we are going through right now, but they are all old enough that they won't forget this.

Somethings are Normal......

Or they are at least the way they use to be...... The same....

When I was pregnant with the girls, back in July my middle son Aden went to church camp. It was the first time he had be to sleep a-way camp. He really enjoyed himself. He was able to do so much. At the time all I could think was "oh how nice of a brake, I'm getting. I also had my oldest son Collin and my youngest son Landon at Jason's moms house, so it was just me and my girls.... All 4 of them. 

When Aden got home we talked and he told me he was saved at camp. I was so happy to hear him say that. He said that he learned what saved really meant. He was able to tell me in his 9 year old words what that meant for him. He then got excited and said he was going to be baptized soon. My oldest 2 children were baptized a few years ago. Collin was 10 and Madalyn was 13. Aden will be just shy of 10 years old. It makes me feel proud of my children when they make the choice to follow Jesus. I had briefly spoken to our pastor at the end of July about his baptism. I was suppose to call and set it up. The week after that we moved.( Incase your wondering, I wasn't allowed to really help, I sat and packed that is all. there was not "moving" for me.) The week after we moved my water broke. We decided to wait until the girls were born to do the baptism, I wanted to be there for him. I told everyone it would probably be the beginning of next year before we would do it. The week after that the girls were born. So again things changed and went back to the way they were. Aden will be baptized this Sunday morning. 

I keep thinking just 2 more, I have 2 more children who are still under the age to understand and be  baptized. (we are baptist, so no baptism until they know why they are doing what they are doing). I teach my children about God and Jesus. But the choice to follow is up to them. My biggest life fear is that one (or some) of them wont believe and will not be apart of my eternal family in heaven. I have 3 children there already waiting on me on us to get there. I want us all to be together. I want my family to be whole. I feel like there are children missing from me. I look around I count and I get confused, I am sure someone is missing. I get told "we are all here" I look and think thats it? No, someone is missing. I of course just say, yeah I know. But in my heart someone is missing. They will always be missing. Until We all get to heaven. Then my family will all be together. Whole, we will all be whole together. 

So while somethings, may go back to how they were.... Baptism coming up.... Sitting on the same pew we always have.... Football, Baseball, Softball, Band..... Life.. It goes on, it doesn't stop just because I'm hurting. Some things are changing and will never be the same....My live children are growing, things are changing. They are physically changing, Growing in Christ, helping me save my Faith. Helping me not fall, holding me up. 

Devotion

I picked up my book "grieving the child I never knew" yesterday its a devotional book that i started and never finished after Joshua died. I have also been reading "empty cradle, Broken heart" that book makes me feel sane and a little more normal.

I decided to turn in the devotional to the anger chapter. I still have a lot of anger I've learned that guilt is often self directed anger. And yes I am angry at myself too. Thinking I could have done something different although I did everything I could. So I probably need white out for the page with the questions. Your suppose to write God a letter and tell him why you are angry. I wrong " I'm just Freaking Pissed off" yeah I'm sure that's not what was meant to be written there. But it's how I feel.

I am trying to deal with all the anger. I'm not sure I really know how though. I have tried to just not be angry and that makes me even more just mad. My other book says that if you find yourself stuck in a stage of grief you may need to talk to a professional. Reading that mad me mad. But what else is really new I was already mad. I'm not really sure 3 weeks of being in anger is what one would call stuck. And since grief has no time time how does one know they are stuck? Needless to say my devotional didn't go well. And I just quit. 

I so start 2 new small groups this week. Sunday begins the new Sunday School season I'm excited about getting back into Sunday school. It's been a while. Then on Wednesday the new women's study starts. I'm excited for that too. I'm hoping through these two small groups to form closer relationships with others in my church.  

I am a little disappointed that I know starting out I will miss the 3rd week of both due to my scheduled surgery. I will have the books though and can read through so I'm not behind. I shouldn't miss anymore than the one week though. And I may actually feel ok to go on Sunday seeing as my surgery is on a Monday. I guess I will just have to see. 

I'm really hoping these small groups can help me with some of my anger issues. 

Today

I got mail today. So much that the mail man came and knocked on the door. Now normal people can have someone knock on a door and its ok. Buy first if all I could see the mail man and was headed for the door. He smiled at me so I know he saw me. Then he knocked. That sent the dogs barking and to the door. I had to wrangle them into the bedroom to get the mail. It took a good 10 minutes.

Anyway 

I made a Shutterfly book. I got it free as a "congratulations on the birth of your new baby" gift, in an email. I filled it with pictures of Joshua, Faith, and Hope. It's a beautiful book. I'm glad I took the time to do that. Even though it was not easy to put together it helped me a little I think. 

I also got the baby books I ordered the girls. They are a little different from Joshua's. they have been updated a little to include some pomes and places to write about what we would like our babies to know about us. With that since they were from Amazon I also ordered the book "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" it's a good book so far. I am on chapter 2. It's already confirmed for me that I am not crazy and that I am grieving the right way for me because there is no wrong way. That was huge for me 

I also got wooded diaper patterns. So much better than the printed ones we have been using. I actually won them. And when I opened the package I smelled saw dust. That smell is the smell of my grandfather the smell of my childhood spend with him building things and cutting wood. He's with my babies and that was a sign from him. I know it was. 

Joshua's Marker

The headstone was finally placed sometime between Thursday and Sunday morning. I am happy it's there. A place to put flowers, until I order the-bigger granite  and name plate for the girls. Joshua's name plate will just be moved to the other granite. It's hard to explain. It won't look like a married couples marker either. And it will be placed in the middle. More like a slab instead of a headstone. I can't wait to get the girls done. I want all the funeral stuff over. 9 months is a long time to be dealing with all of this.

His Headstone turned out beautiful though. Just beautiful.