The Small Things Mean the Most

Today I got an email back from the head of Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, the organization that came and took pictures of Joshua for me in the hospital. They say you should receive the cd by 6-8 weeks and its been 10 and a half and I haven't gotten mine yet.

I tried to call the photographer and e mail her and never got a response. I'm glad the people at head quarters are helping me contact her. I don't care if the pictures are perfectly edited I just want them especially the one of me Joshua and Jason together. I don't have one like that. I said in my other post that I wish I had new pictures of Joshua and while I didn't get to take new ones of course.

My sister Jessica had taken a few that I had never seen and she sent them to me tonight. I love them. Their is one close of his face from an angle that I don't have. As well as a couple of Jason's mom holding him. I didn't have one of those either. I'm grateful for these small tokens. It's proof that he was born and lived and was here and was (is) very much loved.

I've always had a lot of pictures if my children. I took so many and took them to be made. I never wanted to forget how very small they all started out as. But Joshua's are so much more than just pictures they are his life.

They are all I have left.

The smallest things:

A picture, a blanket, a ring, a footprint, a single name on a necklace. They mean the most.

Teeny Diapers.

Here are some more finished diapers.

And some I cut out tonight.

As The Days Go By

I find myself confused some days. I know there will be days that are better than others but its weird. One day I will be great in a goofy mood. Joking around and happy. Then their are days that I hurt and I try to hide how much pain I am in so I sleep.

Then their are days like today when I just miss my baby. When I want to hold him so bad. When my arms ache just to touch my baby. That has been the past two days I'd do just about anything at the moment for a quick touch of his face. A simple kiss on his head.

Oh I just miss my baby.

Photo Edit

I've been playing with the photo editor. I'm sad that I will never get new pictures of Joshua. There are poses I would have taken had I not been in shock.

Love

I have feelings of overwhelming love sometimes. And sometimes it's hard to express it in words or even in actions. It's even harder since Joshua died.

I tried so hard to show Joshua a life time love in only a few hours. I hope that he felt how much I loved him in the weeks I carried him and in the hours after his death.

But I can't help but think "did I show him enough. Did I kiss him enough? Did I count his fingers and toes enough? Did I hold him enough? Did I take enough pictures? Did I spend enough time with him? Should I have spend another hour with him? Another day?"

I can't change it now but I hope I did it right. I hope he felt how much I loved him and how very much wanted he was.

So I try to show my other children just how much they mean to me. I try to make sure they realize that I love them more than anything. I try to spend more time showing them how much I love them and more time interested in what they are doing. I hope they know how I feel, but I can never be sure.

I try to express it with my husband my mom and dad my sisters. But sometimes it's hard to explain just how much they mean to me and how empty my life would be without them.

9 weeks 6 days

Tomorrow will be 10 weeks since Joshua was born. I had to count 3 times because I just can't believe it's been that long. I had to count because I never moved beyond 8 weeks I've been saying 8 weeks for 3 weeks now. I think part of it is because I'm still waiting on my Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep pictures to come and I was told 6-8 weeks. I'm going to call tomorrow and see what the hold up is. I don't mind if they don't come for another few weeks I just want to know we were not forgotten about.

I was 19 weeks and 4 days when Joshua was born so I would be 29 weeks now. Landon was born at 30 weeks so I think he would weigh about 4 pounds now. He was just 10 ounces when he was born.

I miss him so much, I still hurt everyday. I still think of him everyday and miss him everyday. But things are different. I don't cry everyday. I no longer need to talk about Joshua all the time, I no longer need to look at his pictures for hours everyday. I do think about other things and no longer feel guilty about doing so. I guess that means I'm healing. That God is allowing me to heal. I will never "get over" Joshua's death. And I will forever miss him. I wish so badly to have him here with me. And I know it's selfish of me. He's in a perfect place, he's never felt pain or had to deal with this imperfect wold yet I wish him here anyway. Just for me to hold.

God understood what I was praying for when I begged him not to take Joshua, but he answered me by saying that Joshua was just to great for earth. I selfishly wanted to carry him even after my water broke. I knew the risk. I knew he would most likely be handicap in some way ranging from mild to server. I knew he could die anyway even if I made it to viability. I knew I could have complications including dangerous infections and bleeding. I selfishly was ready to give up my life for him. Some may say that it was not selfish at all, but it really was.

First I was not thinking of my husband and how it would effect him to be a single dad until I delivered. And that could have been until I reached 34 weeks. I wasn't thinking about my other children and how it would effect their lives to not have their mother around If I died or If I was gone for 15 weeks. I never thought of how it would effect anyone else in our lives. I didn't want to think about the quality of the life Joshua may have had. All I wanted was my baby alive and I had set my mind to seeing that happen. Whatever the outcome nothing mattered as long as he was alive.

God knew that was in my heart and knew that was my plan and knew that I would not let him go easily. He saw what I couldn't. He saw my family would be torn apart by my absents. He saw the strain that would be placed upon my marriage. He saw the life Joshua would have lived. And he saw the life I would live. And that was not his plan. His plan was different than mine and he forced me to give Joshua back to him, before I really ever had him.

Some babies are born after PPROM and you can't tell they were the result if a troubled pregnancy. Others are not as lucky and live a hard life because of handicaps. Then some are angles like Joshua. I am truly happy for all the women who are able to carry their babies longer than I did to give their baby a shot at life. I wish I could have. Joshua was so perfect. Too perfect to stay. I know he is in a place I long to go to one day to meet him. But I still selfishly wish he was here. Handicap or not he would still be so perfect. And I still want him with me.

One day we will be together. I imagine that Joshua is being taken care of by amazing people. People that I know love him and love me. Some that I never met but would have loved my children and are loving Joshua for me until I can get there and do it for myself. I know my Grammy is rocking him slowly. I know my paw-paw Henson is telling him stories. I know my paw-paw Miller is making sure he gets a lot of time with Jesus and is stepping on frogs. I know Jason's grandpa is there but I didn't know him to say what him and Joshua are doing, but I know he's loving him. They've had him for 10 weeks tomorrow. Soon they will have had him longer than I did.

Focus

I've had a really bad emotional day today.

My youngest baby girl has so medical stuff going on and has an infection now ( you can read her blog at Haleighstory.bligspot.com). I'm so overwhelmed at times with everything that I want to hide from everything. Today was one if those days.

I was thinking about Joshua and how hard this all would be if I was still pregnant. See as how I would be 29ish weeks now and that's about the time I start on bed rest. How would I handle Haleigh, infection and being pregnant? I'm not sure, but is like to think I could have handled it with Grace. My thoughts then turned bad. What if the infection doesn't clear up? What If I didn't catch it soon enough? What If something happens to her? What if I have to burry another baby? I freaked my self out pretty good. Don't ya think? So I cried and then I went to hide in the bathroom, I texted my family to pray Id have the strength to do this and cried some more. After that I felt better and watched more Disney movies. And I prayed. Really prayed for the first time in 8 weeks I really prayed. It felt really good to talk to God again.

Fixing lunch I was shaking from my nerves and needed to calm myself. It's difficult to do and takes some time, but after eating I felt somewhat better. I sometimes don't want my kids out of my site at all. I have a fear in the back of my head that keeps trying to come out, that my kids are only safe with me. They are not safe with friends or at school or alone. They are only safe if I'm there. I try to let them go. Like Collin is at his friends house for the 2nd night and Madalyn went to her friends house and is going to church with her in the morning since I can take Haleigh. Aden and Landon stayed next door last night and are mad because I wouldn't let them stay again tonight but I just couldn't let them go. I wanted them home. I want them all home every night and its so hard to say "Yes, go some where without me" but I know they need the time and independence. Just wish I trusted the world a little more.

2 Months

Yesterday was 2 months. I didn't write about it because I was not overwhelmed by sadness. Instead I was more focused on the diapers project. The project is really helping me. It kept me busy on a very hard day and I'm very thankful for that.

I've thought more about it today because I'm not as busy. And it's Valentine's Day and we always buy our children a little something and it was sad as I realized I would never buy my Joshua a Valentine, I will never fill his name out in little cards for school, buy his girl friend a gift or flowers, I will never help him plan a date or watch him get married. It's so hard on these days.

I have plans for so special flowers for him on Easter, but that is again going to be a very hard day.

Valentines Day

Happy Valentines Day to my sweet Baby in Heaven.

Joshua Henson Greer.

Mommy and Daddy
May-May, Collin, Aden, Landon and Hay-Hay love you so very much.

Diapers!!!

My mom came over today with finished diapers. I pined them and goodness they are small. But I know the small would have fit Joshua. And the larger one would have fit Landon when he was born at 30 weeks. So I know there is a need and they will be used. Now I have to actually put Joshua's name card in them and take them to the hospital. It's scary to think about donating them. I am but sure how I will handle going. I think I will probably cry. Actually, I'm sure I will cry. But I know this will being happy tears to other mothers. I'm sad that Joshua doesn't have one. That he was buried with out one. But I also know he was wrapped in his monkey blanket so soft and warm.

We also cut out more boy diapers and blankets for both boys and girls!! I love doing this.

Lent

I've been thinking about what to give up for lent this year. Since it starts tomorrow I better think fast!

I thought about giving up driving. I drive a lot and could use that time to do my devotion. But my children are so involved that they would miss a ton and sometimes miss school so no that will not work.

I thought about giving up Facebook, but a lot of things like church schedules, ball updates, and help doing diapers and help with Haleigh's expanders is all on Facebook. But I am going to limit my time on there to just when I need to check in updates.

I thought about giving up tv. But I don't watch a lot of tv. 2 hrs On Mondays and the news for 15 mins or so a day so that I know what's going on in the world.

I have already given up drinks except water for the most part. I already cook at home. I already cut most junk food out if the house.

Lent is suppose to be giving up something that is important to you. That would be hard to do and I just don't feel like I have anything that fits. So I don't know what to do.

Something Good

I never imagined I would think something good would come out if something so bad. But it has. Things have a way of doing that.

I have in the past thought I had "the worst day of my life"

The first time I thought it was honestly the day I found out I was pregnant with my first child. I was only 15 so I thought my life was over. But she saved me. I was going down a dead end road and I believe I would have ended up addicted to drugs or dead. My daughter saved my life.

I then thought I had the worst day of my life the day Landon was born. He's my 4th child. That day was very traumatic for me. I was alone for a while, then had to have a C-section, then my baby was taken away I was in pain and left alone again. I didn't see my baby for 4 days and my pain level was beyond any thing I've ever felt before or after. Then for the next 2 weeks I watched him fight for his life. But it made me a stronger mother, and a better wife.

My 3rd time was after Haleigh was born. I really had no idea what was going on with her and I had fears she would die. Either from cancer or not growing. I held on to her everyday in fear it would be the last. But it made me not take any day for granted. And love deeper.

Then came Joshua, making every other bad day I've ever had look like a great day. In a way I would rather relive any other day bad day than the day Joshua was born. Then again if I picked that day I would get to hold him again. So I think I would pick that day. I would do anything to hold him again. And if I had the chance to relive any day Good or bad I would selfishly choose the day I had with Joshua simply because it was the only day I ever got or ever will get with him.

Somethings are good that have come out of all this though. I look at my children and see miracles everyday. I look in their eyes and see their souls. I am closer to God. Even though I am still having trouble praying the way I use to, I feel closer to him than even. I have a better understanding of Love and Forgiveness. My relationships that I have held onto are stronger. And my Marriage is rock solid. I'm getting my self healthy and i am a more peaceful person. All because of Joshua. He did so much for me, with just the thought of him and his perfect little round head I smile.

Growth

I'm really excited about church next Sunday morning. I was in a class in January called Growth Track. It's a new member/ believer class at the church we are going to. I went to the first 2 classes and they were really good. I learned a lot about church and service. The class is 4 weeks long and I was hurting with a displaced shoulder on week 3 in January. That's the week you take a personality test to see where your spiritual gifts are. Week 4 is all about finding where you can serve in the church and use your God given gifts. I missed week 4 because I had the flu. So next week is week 3 and then week 4. I can't wait to see what my test say.

Brother David says that in most churches 25% of people are doing 100% of the work and that's why a lot of churches fail at leading people to Christ. From what I have experienced this is true. He also says when people offer to help they are put where the help is needed most, but that may not be where God wants them and may not be where their gift is. So you have people watching/teaching children who should be greeting or cooking instead. The point in the class is to really understand the church and serving before you join.

There are enough warm bodies in the church we need people who follow the example Christ gave us and service him through the church. I can't wait to see where I should be serving. I've only ever served with the children's department and nursery. I really don't think that's for me. That's not where my gifts are. You may be thinking. "You have 5 kids? You love kids" you would be only half right. I have 5 kids yes. I love my children yes. And there are a select few other children that I love. All other little kids get on my nerves and as bad as it sounds, I just don't like them I liked teaching missions to the preschool group, but no matter how many times I really tried. I really disliked the nursery. I would never harm a child, but boy I love the moment it was pick up time. Even when I worked at the day care it was just a pay check, but I hated that job.

I don't really have a job or area I hope I get into. I think the service projects would be fun. And I'm hoping to help out there no matter what. I am also wanting a small group to be apart of.

I have heard many times that God has given everyone a gift and we are suppose to use that gift for him. But I've never been told how to find out what that gift is. It's always been " just serve" and really that didn't work our at all for me.

So here's to Growth Track class 301 and learning what my God given gifts are!

Distracted

I have been distracted all day today. For reasons I didn't know. I almost didn't even go to church and I missed Sunday school. I didn't even try hard enough to get the kids to go with me. So all but Haleigh stayed home.

I really liked church today. It actually went along with my post yesterday. It was about loving each other the way God loves us, forgiving and loving more. It really hit home.

I went to the cemetery. And they have added dirt on top then moved the sod back. My parents put out some Mardi Gras beads out there and someone had added some flowers. I rarely buy flowers to put out there. I have actually only done it once.

I buy flowers for my table instead. I have never been the flower type of girl I never saw a point in them. They just die any way. After Joshua's service I had flowers on my table and 2 plants to take care of. They are a great reminder. So when the flowers on the table died 3 weeks later ( I took great care of them ) I bought more. And so on. They last about 2 weeks, and I love seeing them every morning. The plants are thriving and I love it. I bought more today. Picking red and purple ones.

I then came home where I watched Peter Pan with Haleigh and played a game with her.

As I was starting dinner I checked Madalyn ball schedule for a date we had something planned. And I realized its the 10th. Almost the 13th. Almost 2 months. I think that's what I was so off today. I'm realizing if he was born now he would have lived. I would be 28 weeks only 12 weeks until my due date. How am I ever going to get through the first week of May.

What To Say, When There Is Nothing To Say

I came to a realization today. And I didn't come to it alone. I realized a few things after a very short conversation and apology I received today. I am hoping everyone I know reads this blog post. Because it will be helpful to someone in the future. Read carefully.

When someone is hurt say something. Will you know what to say? Probably not. Will you say the wrong thing? Probably so! Will the person even want to talk to you? Maybe, maybe not. The point is to try. Reach out. I know that it's hard. Really hard. And I now know that a lot of people didn't contact me, or say anything to me simply because they didn't know what to say, they didn't know what was the right thing to do or say so they did nothing. And it left me feeling abandoned. This is not just about mothers who have lost their children. This is about anyone anywhere If some one you know is going through a troubling time, call them. Leave a message and yes they may not call you back but I can tell you that phone call will mean so so much to them.

There are no words when a baby dies. It makes no since. Like I've said before, babies are not suppose to die....ever. But this is a fallen world and they do. When that happens there are no words that can be said to the parents, there is nothing you can do that will make the tears stop falling or their hearts hurt less.

But you can make them feel loved and less alone. You can make a difference. It won't be easy. It's uncomfortable to talk about death. It hurts and makes you think about your own children. It's ok to call and start crying. It shows that you care enough to call even though it was hard. Call and say "I have no idea what to say" that is so much better than not saying anything. Even saying the complete wrong thing will be noticed that at least you tried and reached out. It will mean something to be thought of. Don't wait, do it while the pain is fresh and even though the calls and messages may go unanswered for months believe me the parents will look back and remember that you made an effort to contact them. It will show you love them.

I have felt abandoned through this by a lot of people and today I realized they simple may not have known what to say and instead of saying the wrong thing to us decided to say nothing and that was worse. But they didn't realize it was worse until it was too late.

I forgive you, to everyone who was too afraid to call me. To everyone who didn't know how to handle what happened. I forgive you. But please learn from this. Please be aware that I was very hurt and lost and didn't know where to turn to. Please do better next time because believe me this world is not getting better and there will be a next time. It may not be a baby that dies, but there will be a chance for you to be there for someone to way I needed someone to be there for me. When that time comes be that person that calls. Be the strong one that cries with a child who is hurting, be the one to reach out and show the love you have, and tell them they are not alone.

Thinking of Me

I've gotten a few messages over the past couple of days saying that people are thinking of me. Some were on Facebook and some a simple phone call or text message. I've got to say the fact that I have people who are thinking about me made me feel really good.

I know that may sound self centered, but most days, most of the time even when there are other people around I feel alone and sometimes even invisible. I have been in a crowd of people and I might as well been in a dark hole because I felt like I was completely alone. Like everyone was looking past me and not at me. Talking at me not too me. To be honest sometimes when people speak I don't even hear them, it's all a mumble.

I sometimes think that since people have moved on with their lives, gone back to work, church, and school, since my kids are back into their active lives that people are forgetting him. Forgetting that Joshua was here at all and that scares me. I don't want to forget. I think that's why I think of him so much. Just incase I'm the only one still thinking of him.

When I saw the messages. A simple "thinking of you" made me cry. And not sad depressing tears. These tears were tears of relief, tears that said "someone else thinks about Joshua. About me still". I have been receiving less messages and I know that's completely normal, but it made me feel so good to know my friends and family still pray for me and are still thinking of me.

I hope everyone continues to pray for my family. We still need them. I'm doing about as well as one can expect after loosing a child. Jason is doing ok as well. My children still ask a lot of questions and Haleigh tells everyone of her brother with Jesus. They also are still hurting and still cry at times. I had my first day with no tears last week and another one this week. God is healing my heart and soul.

Not Doing So Good

I guess maybe you could tell from yesterday's post that I was not in a good mood or that something was wrong. Well, you'd be right. Yesterday I recieved a message saying I was "dwelling" on Joshua's death. That I should "get over it, move on maybe just get pregnant" and the kicker "she lost her dog a few months ago so she "knows" my pain". So yes I was to say the least in a bad mood yesterday.

I don't feel like I'm dwelling on Joshua's death too much. I miss him. And that's not going away. I think about him all the time. And that's not going anywhere either. It's not even been 2 months. I don't see how anyone can say I should feel normal again at all. This new normal is not so great though. It's rough I got to tell ya. I wish u could go back. I even wish sometimes that I was never pregnant. Then I wouldn't know this pain. I know that may sound awful. It feels awful.

I've started to sleep a lot more. I'm not sure if I was left to just sleep if I'd wake up at all. I was left today. Jason figured if I was sleeping I must need it. Haleigh finally had enough and woke me up around 1pm. And I was still feeling tired. Maybe it's because I've been so sick. Maybe it's because I didn't get any sleep over the weekend. Maybe it's because I'm depressed. Maybe I was just tired. I really don't know what it is. I feel like I should be happier. I know I have a lot in my life to be happy and thankful for yet I can't focus on happy things as much as I'd like to it just doesn't come easy to me.

My sister wrote a blog about trusting Gods will for her life. It's somewhat of a comfort to know that I'm not the only one that struggles with that daily. I use to do what I wanted and had life planned. Then I decided to lead the life Christ wanted me to lead and let me tell you it's hard! It's even harder when what you know God wants you to do is not what your doing. Right now I do something everyday that I know I should not be doing. It's wrong and I know God doesn't want me doing it. But I am scared so I do it anyway. I'm not ready to follow Gods plan right now and I know that's wrong. But like I said I'm scared. I was following Gods plan when Joshua died, I can't take that again.

I prayed and listened for a long while about birth control and I believe God doesn't want me on it. We have been careful in our actions, but ultimately we have been lead to let God plan our family. It's not been all wonderful. We've had multiple early losses and multiple pregnancy issues including preterm labor and deliveries. And then of course the pPROM I experienced with Joshua. It's all cought up with me now and it's scared me back to birth control pills. I take it everyday and everyday I feel it's not right for me.

I've always said and I know that no one is ever promised a perfect healthy pregnancy or baby. And I've been on both sides if it. From taking home a full term healthy baby, to taking home a box of the only memories I will ever have and everything In-between I've had those experiences of not knowing I'd your baby will be ok or have long term issues and nothing has scared me into taking birth control like Joshua's death has.

I believe that God will not give me more than I can handle but at the moment I also believe I'm at my limit and he has complete faith in my ability to over come this, the problem is I don't have that same faith in myself. I am just hardly getting by and surviving through this, if I was to loose another child in anyway I am not sure I'd make it. Would God put that on me? Does he think I could handle that? I don't know if he does or not, and I'm too scared to find out the answer. So for now I rebel against God. I search for answers about what it all means and I pray I am shown the way and given the strength to follow what I know is right. And to leave my fears at the feet of Jesus.

Being Sensitive

I've always tried to be sensitive to other people and their pain. The pain of loss is like no other. Wether it's a loss that you expected because maybe someone had been sick or if its an unexpected loss of someone who had been healthy. Loss hurts and I try to be understanding but sometimes I just don't understand people.

First I never compare my loss of Joshua to any other loss. Even my other losses. Because each one is different. My loss is different than yours and while we may find common ground they are not the same and can't be treated as such.

Second just because we may share common ground doesn't mean we need to bond over it. I may seem like a very open person. I mean hey I'm writing in a public blog for the world to read. But honestly I do this for me, it's a way to get my thoughts straight and work through my feelings.

I feel bad that I feel the way I do about some people and their losses. I think it's because I have had early pregnancy loss and a baby die that I see these things as very different. Don't get me wrong my early losses hurt and I grieved those babies. But to a lesser extent of course. I understand how if that is the only loss you've ever had how it can be life altering because the reality is that, that baby you wanted and you had dreams for that baby as soon as you find out they are on the way. I know I did. I always felt a connection with my babies as soon as their were 2 lines on the stick. But when I lost those babies early I cried and I missed them. I wondered what they would have been.

But I didn't hold them in my arms.

I didn't know if they were boys or girls. I didn't see their faces and kiss their heads. I didn't burry them and have to say goodbye. I don't have a box full of pictures and a news paper clipping. I only have a stick with 2 lines and 2-3 weeks if hoping things would go good. But with Joshua I have those things. I had 15 weeks if knowing I felt him kick, I heard his heart beat. I saw him move around on the ultrasound. I saw him suck his thumb. I saw his sweet face and kissed his feet and hands. I held him as he passed away. I visit him in the cemetery.

So yes, for me it's very different. My losses at 6 weeks were nothing compared to the loss of Joshua. I can't imagine the pain of loosing my sisters or parents, but I know the pain of loosing a child. The one thing your suppose to out live is your child. No one should have to burry their babies, it's not the way life should work. This fallen world is truly upside down and our only hope is God.

Day 5

The 5th day of my devotion goes along the lines of what I wrote about last week.

Being too busy to think.

I thought of it as being a good thing. I could think of other things even if it was somewhat forced. But really it's not helping me to be busy as I can get. It may be helping me cope but it's also just pushing my feelings down and locking them away. I'm too busy to hurt most days. And those are my good days.

Why do I want to be so busy? So that I can forget even if its just for a little while. Forget the pain. Laugh and smile and maybe everyone is not thinking "poor you"

I need to be still and be with God, that though would mean I am willing to open myself to more pain and I'm not sure I'm ready to do that yet. I think though its why I have trouble praying now.

Time will never heal my wounds. God will. God is the only answer for healing. I need him and I need to pray and ask him to heal my hurt but I know that first I must tell him my pain that I must remove all the time and come out from hiding and trust him to heal me. And that's hard. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to open fresh wounds and bleed again.

I'm just not ready yet, to let God heal me. I know that may sound awful. As I know God loved me and wants only the best for me, and I trust him, but I can't let him be here for me the way he's meant to be here. I know he's not going anywhere though and will be there when I'm ready to pull the scab off and deal with the pain and the hurt and be able to heal.

Time

Time heals all wounds. That's what "they" say. I however believe that is a complete lie. Time has not helped me heal. Time is not a friend to me anymore. Things change with time and my feelings and pain have changed, but its all still there. I've gotten better at hiding my pain with time, but the pain the wounds are still there still open. So time hasn't helped me at all.

I do think about time a lot and today I went to the cemetery and moved the leaves off Joshua's site I thought about how over time the leaves I move will go from being brown to green the yellow and back to brown. And I wonder how else things out there will change. I know it will look a little different when we get the headstone placed and if someone else is buried close by. But for the most part things over time will be the same our there. I thought today that I would be 28 weeks now and that would have been time I needed that Joshua needed to grow and develop. I would be bigger. I would be feeling him roll around in me. He would be around 2 and a half to 3 pounds now. And while we would have had 12 weeks left until my due date I feel comfortable enough with premature babies that i know if my water broke now he would have made it. He just needed a little more time. Time that I couldn't give to him.

I don't have much time left with my other children either. I feel like I'm running out if time with them. In 4 short years my oldest will be finishing high school. And then every couple years after that another one will leave. I'm not ready to let any of them go. Time is not slowing down. It's not giving me extra to grieve my son while still allowing me to enjoy my living children. Somedays it hurts to much to be a mom. To be the kind of mom I use to be. The kind of mom I want to be. The mom I won't get to be for Joshua. Life has a way if tricking us into believing we have more time. That we have time to be together. That we have time for tomorrow, when really all we have time for is today. Today is the time not tomorrow. I just wish it didn't hurt so much. The more time that passes the more I miss him. The more I long to hold him and kiss his sweet face.

Happy Thoughts

Everyone's seen Peter Pan. Everyone knows you need a happy thought to fly, well that along with faith, trust and piksy dust. Disney is rerelease Peter Pan this week, it's always been a favorite of mine. I think Haleigh's only seen it once. I'm going to buy it on blue ray so she can watch it on the way to her follow up appointment Thursday. She's seen the commercial and remembers the ride at Disney back in November.

It's hard for me to think about our Disney trip sometimes. I was pregnant and a little uncomfortable. I didn't ride anything because I wasn't suppose to, but I did do a ton of walking. I wasn't on restricted anything though so I have to believe the walking was ok. I made a point to sit and rest when needed. I've been to Disney 3 other times pregnant so I know the dos and don't of pregnant vacation. Haleigh loves to look at our pictures. We bought a book. It's our gift to each other for Christmas. It's really nice to have our memories in there. I'm pregnant and you can see it in every picture. I was so happy. Full of life and smiles in every picture. All of us were. We had such a great trip.

Tonight I dropped Aden off at a church sleepover. Haleigh off at my sisters house and Landon was riding with me. Just the two of us. He was talking about our Disney trip and how much fun we had. He asked if we could go back soon. I told him that we would be going on a different vacation but not to Disney. He just said "oh" I then told him we would have fun where ever we went. He, with his little voice, said something very big: "I like it at Disney mom, everyone was smiling" it hit me, Disney is our last good family memory before Joshua died. That was our Thanksgiving. We came home and the kids started back school. 2 weeks later Joshua died. That vacation was the last thing that my kids remember being happy at and they know it. They remember me and Jason being happy then too and they want that again. I want it again too. Disney our vacation is their happy thought.

I hope I can make some good memories with them this summer. I want to take them camping. They love camping. I want them to see me really happy again. The way I was. I want them to remember how I was and that I was strong enough to still be their mother after the loss of their brother. I want them to know that my love for them has not and will never changed. That they will always be my babies. I want them to be proud that I'm their mom. I don't want them to be scared to have children of their own one day. I hope they learn that all life is a gift and not to take it for granted. But to also be able to relax and enjoy it.