Tuesday, December 3, 2013

A year ago

It seems I can recall this time last year clearer than I ever have been. I have had memory lapse since December 11th 2012. I still can't recall most of Christmas or New Years. However doing things this year has triggered some things that happened last year. I'm not sure I am ready for all the memories and feelings that are coming through. But I don't have the ability to stop them either.

Some of the most recent things that have come to light. 

December 1,2012 was a Saturday. We had a party and told our family that we were expecting a boy. It was a very exciting day. 
December 1, 2013 was a Sunday. We put the tree up the night before. All day I thought about how last year we celebrated and this year there is no baby. My son is gone. 

Last year we hadn't put up our tree yet but we had lots of time. We had just gotten back from Disney World and we had started shopping. Not only for Christmas gifts but for baby things. We picked out a whole nursery theme, I won't be able to look at monkeys with out thinking of Joshua. I still love looking at them though. 

This time last year I didn't know the heartache of losing a child. I didn't know that within the next year I would burry not 1 but 3 children. I was blissfully unaware of the horror that waited me and my family. The pain and joy. Yes joy that came with the birth of my babies. The sadness that came with their deaths. I wish I could go back and still be blind to all the sadness and pain. But I can't. I am now awake to all of it. 

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