Time to celebrate..... What?

Tomorrow is the annual Christmas dinner/party at Jason's work. I don't want to go. I hate going. I don't know anyone. Most everyone who works there are men and so it's a bunch of men talking about work with their wives staring off into space wondering when we can leave.

Last year I took it as a last time to go out before the baby was to be born. I was showing. I sat and talked with another wife for a few minutes about how we were expecting a boy. What if she sees me? What if she remembers I was pregnant? What if she asks? What do I say? "Oh...that yeah...um.... He died a week after last years party then I got pregnant again and had twins....but.... They died too and now... Well .... Now I can't have any more children. But hey Merry Christmas".  I'm sure that will not be awkward at all. 

I wish I could say he's doing fine. Learning to crawl and say mama. I wish I could say he's alive and well. I wish I could say we have to leave early because this is the first time I've left him. 

Things are so much different this year for the party than last year. I wonder if anyone will miss me if I hide in the bathroom all night. I am just reminded how happy I was last year and how sad I am now.