Saturday, December 14, 2013

Days you don't forget part 4: Going home

Disclaimer - Most everyone who reads my blogs knows I have older living children. Some may not know that I have 5 older living children. This blog post will have stories about them and their births and  first birthdays. As a baby loss mom I know how hard it is to read about children who are the age your child should be. So I wanted to put that out there incase anyone wants to not read this post. That is by the way 100 % ok with me. 

I realize now since it's the day after that another day that sticks out for me is the day I brought my children home from the hospital. And leaving the hospital empty handed. I think it was easier for me to leave the hospital after Joshua died because I had left the hospital without my baby before. It wasn't the first time I had given birth and went home with out my newborn. 

Madalyn was the picture of health. We came home 2 days after her birth. I stopped by my grandmothers on the way home. She never had a problem as a newborn. Everything was perfect. I never imagined that Anyother child I ever had would not be just as big and healthy.

Collin also came home with me two days later. He had to have a bililight though and we had to take him to the dr everyday for a week to check levels. Then he logs weight and needed special formula. It was stressful to say the least. However he was healthy we were ok. 

Aden was my first baby that didn't come home with me. The day after I had him we both left the hospital. I went home Aden went to the children's hospital bigger nicu. I cried every night missing him. He was there 18 long days. Came gone. Had some stressful sicknesses along the way. But by preemie standards he was healthy. 

Landon taught me that sometimes you have to wait a long time. I spend 4 days in a different hospital unable to see my baby. I left the hospital empty handed just as I had with Aden 3 years before. I went to see Landon and then went home. 59 days we traveled back to the hospital sometimes twice a day. He was 2 months old when he came home and he was again healthy. He like Aden was wheeled out in his crib at the hospital. No wheelchair with baby for us. Again. 

Haleigh was early too. I didn't think they were going to let her leave with me. When they told me she could go I was scared to death. You mean they let babies who are 2 days old go home from the hospital?!? I got in that wheelchair and they handed me my baby. Finally I thought. This is the way it's suppose to be. Finally!! 

I left the hospital the day after Joshua was born. A year ago today. I carried a pillow and a box of reminders that he was real. I didn't cry. It wasn't that abnormal to leave without a baby. The hard part for me was there was but baby to call about to go see. To pump for to stress over.  The girls were much of the same. I carried two boxes out that day. 2 days after giving birth to them. I was tearful but I made it through. I didn't want to really leave the hospital. I knew once I got home I would have to face complete reality. Anther funeral for two lives not lived. Another due date that would come and go with out the newborn cries. Another empty armed chair ride. 

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