Disclaimer - Most everyone who reads my blogs knows I have older living children. Some may not know that I have 5 older living children. This blog post will have stories about them and their births and first birthdays. As a baby loss mom I know how hard it is to read about children who are the age your child should be. So I wanted to put that out there incase anyone wants to not read this post. That is by the way 100 % ok with me.
Baby's first birthday.
Madalyn turned one on a Thursday. Being 16 I decided her birthday party should be at exactly 5:15pm that day. And it was. It was a great day. Madalyn was already running by the time she was one. Jason was there took off work. Parents aunts uncles no cousins were born yet. We had just come back from the weekend at the beach for July 4th. My paw-paw was there. That was the only one of my children's birthdays he was able to go to. He died before Madalyn turned 2. Before any other children were born. He loved her though. As much as anyone loved another person he loved her. I miss him.
Collins first birthday we were broke. I mean broke for real broke. But some how we made it and he had a great party. Grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, a few friends. Still no cousins. It was a beautiful day. We had most everything outside. And while we had it again on a Thursday because that was his birthday. We had it later in the day. Since he was born at 338. He had just begun to walk good.
Aden's first birthday was a busy time. We had Madalyn in school, Jason and I were both working and Aden had some physical therapy once a week. His birthday was on a Friday. We had his party that day but again later that night. Aden took his first steps on the night before his birthday and we showed off for everyone at his party. Still no first cousin but we did have a 2nd cousin that is a few months younger than Aden come over. And of course all the grown ups. He for.A little overwhelmed at his party. We cut it short by a little. He loved opening gifts though.
Landon turned one on a extremely hot July day. We had a pool party and by now we had 2 cousins to invite. 2 little girls. One older and one younger than him. We decided to have him a cake on his real birthday and ten we had a party that weekend when it was easier for everyone to come. It turned out great. Everyone had a great time. Landon stood in his high chair and smashed his cake all in his hands.
Haleigh's first birthday was stressful. She could not have any dariy, soy, eggs, or nuts until she was two. That didn't leave a lot of stuff to make a cake from. I found one though and made it for her. I got everyone else real cake. I had her party at my mothers house on the of her birthday. A Tuesday night. It was the only place and time everyone could get together. And we had 3 cousins there All girls. The youngest just 6 weeks younger than Haleigh. There was another cousin not able to be there who is 9 months younger than Haleigh. Haleigh enjoined smashing her fake cake. And I think she may have eaten some if it even.
So the girls haven't reached their birthday. Although their due date and scheduled section dates are around the corner. They have been gone 4 months already. But today. Today is Joshua's birthday. I can believe it's been a whole year. Time is not the same. Sometimes I feel like I've been standing still and moving fast all at the same time.
What am I suppose to do today? I can celebrate. I feel like I am celebrating death. My kids want to sing to him. Maybe I will let them at the cemetery. But I put my foot down at cake with his name on it. I can't do that I just can't.