Being Happy

In general I am a happy person. You can't tell it by this blog. I write a lot more when I'm sad. It helps me deal with the tremendous grief and sadness that surrounds my life. I fake it a lot. I smile when I want to cry all of the time, but there are also times where I am truely having a good time. When I am having a moment of actual happiness and enjoyment. Times when I almost forget the hell my life has turned into. Today I had one of those days. I had a day where I woke up and realized I didn't dream last night. I didn't wake up with my heart aching. I didn't dream of my lost babies. I didn't dream at all. I had a morning that things went smoothly. We went to church even though it was raining (storming) I thought to myself this is a great day. I didn't wear my fake smile to church today. No today I had on my real smile and I'm not sure when the last time I wore that was. Sunday school was good and I was able to follow along with out my mind drifting (I have ADD). There was not any children's church today and despite having the boys sit with me I was able to listen to the message and follow along with out thinking about my sons funeral that was there a year ago. (That's something I think about often there).

Normally after church we go to the cemetery. Today it was raining so bad that we couldn't. We went to our Sunday school Christmas party and for the first time in a year I was surrounded by people and didn't feel alone. If you have never been in a room full of people and felt alone, then there is no way to explain how that feels. It's worse than actually being completely alone. Today though I felt like I was wanted there. Not like they had no choice but to invite me, bit that I was really wanted there. And it felt amazing. I laughed real laughs. I didn't sit in the corner and hide, I engaged myself in conversations. I felt a little like the me that left a year ago. And it scared me I started to think on the way home "should I be happy?" "Can I be happy and still be sad my babies died?" 

I have decided that yes I can I can have moments of pure happiness and I should. I need to allow them. 

I needed today more than anyone else knows. More than anyone at that party realized. They helped me feel normal today. Today I was not "the girls who's babies died" I was just Crystal. And that felt really good!