Normally after church we go to the cemetery. Today it was raining so bad that we couldn't. We went to our Sunday school Christmas party and for the first time in a year I was surrounded by people and didn't feel alone. If you have never been in a room full of people and felt alone, then there is no way to explain how that feels. It's worse than actually being completely alone. Today though I felt like I was wanted there. Not like they had no choice but to invite me, bit that I was really wanted there. And it felt amazing. I laughed real laughs. I didn't sit in the corner and hide, I engaged myself in conversations. I felt a little like the me that left a year ago. And it scared me I started to think on the way home "should I be happy?" "Can I be happy and still be sad my babies died?"
I have decided that yes I can I can have moments of pure happiness and I should. I need to allow them.
I needed today more than anyone else knows. More than anyone at that party realized. They helped me feel normal today. Today I was not "the girls who's babies died" I was just Crystal. And that felt really good!