Should have.

I could have done it you know. Raised a few more children. I could have given birth to Joshua in late march beginning of April (since I always go early) and then gotten pregnant with the girls immediately after. I know people who have kids who are less than a year apart. I could have handled that. I could have had 3 kids under 1 right now. That would have been awesome. I would be should be so tired changing 30 diapers a day. Pumping, feeding, washing, I should be drowning in baby bottles and clothes. I should be a mess of newborns. I could have done it. I'm strong enough for that.

But this....

This tired is from being up crying, this lonelyness of no one really understanding. This pain of empty arms. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I would trade what is for what should have been any day.