Disclaimer - Most everyone who reads my blogs knows I have older living children. Some may not know that I have 5 older living children. This blog post will have stories about them and their births and first birthdays. As a baby loss mom I know how hard it is to read about children who are the age your child should be. So I wanted to put that out there incase anyone wants to not read this post. That is by the way 100 % ok with me.
The Day Before.....
I remember all the "day before" all my children were born. For Madalyn it was a Tuesday and I had decided I would probably be pregnant forever since I was now 7 days past my due date. I went to bed crampy. She was born at 5:15pm the next day.
For Collin I slept the whole day. I couldn't help it. I simply could not stay awake. I thought my iron was probably way low. I was having contractions but I had been in and out of labor for a month. I was not going back to the hospital. And since I was 4 weeks until my due date I felt I had a lot of time left. He was born at 3:38pm the next day.
Aden was a little different. I knew I was in labor. I called the dr they were closed the on call told me I needed to rest with my feet up. Told me that if I came to the hospital he would tell them to give me a sleeping pill and send me home. I would not be monitored or checked. I was only just 33 weeks. I was told I needed to calm myself. I didn't eat. I tried to sleep. I tossed and turned and was in pain. He was born at 4:45pm the next day.
With Landon I felt great the day before. I was on modified bed rest. I was 31 weeks. I was big but not huge. I would lay and feel him twist all day. There were no signs of labor until the next day. Everything happened really fast with him. He was born the next day at 1:26pm. By C-section. My only section.
With Haleigh. I spent the night before her birth in the hospital In labor and delivery. I had been there Thursday through Saturday and went back Sunday night. I was In so much pain. Contracting, I was 34 weeks and trying to make it to 36. It didn't happen but she was healthy none the less and born at 2:58pm that Monday afternoon.
With Joshua I expected the same. Pain the day before. Go in have a baby. Pray I can get 30+ weeks. Pray for no nicu time. I never thought I needed to pray for him to just live. However the day before he was born I did just that. I prayed and prayed. I knew there was a pretty slim chance he would survive. My water had broken the night before. I was on complete bed rest. I couldn't even get up to pee. All I could do was lay there and pray. The next day he was born. Some Say my prayers were unanswered. I say that God simply said no. I don't know why he said no but that was his answer. It's hard to accept, but he has a plan and for whatever reason this was apart of it. And saving Joshua was not. It makes me very sad.
The day before Faith and Hope was born I was on complete bed rest at home but with bathroom rights this time. That night I had a bad backache and couldn't sleep. I sent Jason to work any way that morning. I regret that because if it he missed their births. I prayed they would make it. They way their brother didn't. I prayed for it to not happen again. It did. Again God said no. Again I don't know why. But they were born that next day.
So that brings us to today. 12/12/13. A lot of people thought the world would end on 12/12/12. And for me in a way it did. Today a year ago I laid in the bed and prayed and prayed for God to show me what to do. Do I try and hang on for weeks more? Do I take the induction I was offered? Do I go home? Do I stay in the hospital? Even if I made it to viability would he make it with no fluid? I was so scared to make the wrong choice that I made no choice at all until it came to possibly losing my life as well and Johua was still too young to have a chance. I tell you if he would Have been in any way closer to viable I would have let myself get sicker to protect him. To give him that chance at life. But that's not how it went. I laboured and delivered my son knowing he would die. There was nothing I could to about it.
Tomorrow he will turn one. There are find many ideas for parties now days. With my older ones there was not. It had just started when Haleigh was getting 2-3 years old. But there is not going to be a party. I know some people throw parties for their babies. They ask for money to be donated to a charity in the baby's name instead of gifts. But I tell you I can not not not do that. I can't see the name on a cake he will never smash. I can't sing to a child he will not hear my voice who is no longer here. I can not decorate for him. It's not fair to me or anyone else to pretend it's a happy day. It's not. I've lived a year with out my son and it SUCKS. I will not pretend to have a good day.
I have however thought about what I would have likes him to have as his first party. And I do believe this is what I would have wanted for him.