Selfishly... Unselfish.

I have always felt I was a pretty selfless person. Even before I had children I always gave to my friends when they needed something. I never kept things back I shared what I had. A lot of times that got me hurt. It prepared me for motherhood though.You can't be incredibly selfish and be a mother. There are so many things you must give up to have a child.

 Your body for 9 months of pregnancy then a year of breast feeding. After that you may have your body back to yourself but it's forever changed. It's not the same one you loaned to your child for almost 2 years. 

Your sleep for ever.  There will be nights you get up with your child from the day they are born until the end.

Freedom of last minute plans, the fast car, expensive clothes, peeing alone. That all fades and you give it up freely to become a mother. It didn't take much for me even at just 15 I knew what I was going to give up to be a mother and I was ok with that. 

But losing my 3 children has taught me that some times you need to he selfish. Sometimes it needs to be about me. I keep things just for me and my close family. Their pictures without an edit. Those are mine and I don't want to share them publicly. I have a box of clothes I will not donate. I have a box of diapers that will never be used. I have names that I beg my family to never use for their yet to be born children. Because that was my baby's name. It's selfish to hold on to those things. I should let them go. I should give them to someone who's baby is alive and can cuddle into the blankets that have sat empty in a box for a year. But I won't. It hurts too much to give what little I have for them up. So they will sit there In that box and I will selfishly hold on to them. Because it's all I have. I have learned to say no for selfish reasons. "Can you watch my child today?" I use to actually watch other peoples kids for pay and I kept the nursery at church. I did children's church, missions for little ones, and even worked at a daycare when I was pregnant with Haleigh. I now answer that with a No. I can't. I don't do anything with the children at church. I help out. Special events, serve coffee, mission funds. But I can not help with other peoples kids. I love the kids at our church and my friends children I simply can not focus on them. The thought of sitting in the nursery at church makes me want to run far far away. So I simply say no I can not and selfishly walk away. 

Being a little selfish isn't bad I have learned. Everyone has to take care of them self. No one is going to take care of you for you. Not in this way. I have to do what's right for me and my family and sometimes that means being selfish.