I can honestly say if it was not for my already foundation of Faith, my Families Faith, and the love of my pastor and church family, I would hate God. I know it. It would be easy to blam it all on him. Something he "did to me".
If I didn't have a better understanding of God and the price Jesus paid for me then I would believe that I was being punished for my sins.
I sometimes wonder if God chose me to be Joshua, Hope and Faiths mother because he knew I would grow closer to him through it. I wonder if it's because he knew someone else would blame him and I would not, that I would understand that it's not something he did to make me hurt. That he didn't take them as payment for my sins. He knew I would not turn from my Faith but grow in it. He knew I was not strong enough to do it on my own. But also had in place the people that would help me through.
I wish that had not been me though. I still wish I had my babies instead. I know that is selfish. But I am a mother. A mother of eight children. A hidden mother of twins. A mother of babies that never cried. A mother of a teenage girl that worries me grey. A mother of 3 living boys. And a son that plays in heaven with his 2 sisters. A mother of a 5 year old that doesn't understand why her babies died and other people get to keep theirs. A griving mother who would do just about any thing to make the world right and have her babies back. A mother who loves her kids and puts them before herself.
I am only human and that makes me selfish by nature. So yes if I could wish my children from heaven back to earth I would. If I could go back and do anything in my life different I would hold them a while longer. I'm human. I miss them.