When?

The last few days have just been hard. I miss my babies. I want to know what they would have looked like full term and whole. Fully formed. I want to know what they would have liked to play with. What their favorite foods are. What the love what they hate. What toys would they ask Santa for?

I sat today and watched Landon play outside in the back yard. Running around chasing the dog and my heart aches for the three kids I have that I will never get to watch do that. 

When will I be able to look at my kids and not see what I'm missing with the ones that are gone? When will I not look at a newborn and long for my own? When will I get through a holiday without the grief? When will it not hurt so bad?