Happy Birthday....

I decided not to do a Hapoy Birthday post for Joshua's 2nd birthday. I'm not sure why actually. I was a mess that day I tried to distract myself. Went to the Christmas parade. Out to lunch with my family. Then bought a ballon and took it to the cematery. I like it there. It's peacful. I'm so glad it was chosen for him. I had nothing to do with it but I couldn't have picked a better spot if I tried. It's not super crowded, there are a few other children near by. Including my niece. But I'm mostly alone when I go. Gives me time to just be. The 13th I had time to just sit and be. I talked to him about all kinds of things. Kissed his name and left. I don't feel as bad as I use to when I leave there. But I still feel as if I am leaving apart of me there. I don't think that will ever go away.

Carefree Moments

I had time to think today.

 Somedays are so busy I don't have anytime  to think at all. I like it that way. When I have time to sit back and really think (like today), my mind drifts to moments. Moments that I can't go back to, but that I long for. Some that are sad to those on the outside of the world I live in. Like the last few minutes that I held my son, clutching his tiny body in my arms and kissing his face, with tears rolling down my face. That's the moment my heart broke, but it's also a time I miss. I miss feeling him in my arms. You wouldn't think 10 ounces was a lot until it's all you have and then it's everything. I poured all my love into him in the few hours I had with him. 

I have had very few carefree moments since that day. I actually can't think of any time when I have been completely care free since my water broke with him. 

2 years ago however we were in Disney World. Having a carefree vacation. Joking that this was the 3rd time I had been to Disney pregnant. We told Jason's family that weekend that we were expecting a boy.  We told our kids too. But kept it a secret for a few more days from everyone else when we had our party.

These carefree moments have been replaced by grief and nightmares. These aren't the nightmares of having someone chase after you or going to school necked. These are more memory related nightmares. Where your children are take. And you can't reach them. No matter what you do you can't get to them. Waking up from nightmares is normally a relief, but when you're living it waking up is as bad as the dream it self. 

It's hard to wrap my head around the fact that it's been 2 years. When you're in the moment you don't think about "how will this feelin two years?". But, two years later I can say It feels like my baby just died. I can feel his weight like bricks on my heart and I am drowning in pain. My head is underwater and I can get up, I'm screaming and no one can hear me.  

This part of grief gets better, or at least it comes and goes. So that most days I can breathe. Until it gets close. Closer to a time when I can remember 2 years ago today I ....... And he was here. 2 years ago I felt him moving around, saw him on the screen, heard his heart beating at 134 Bpm. 2 years ago he was alive. His life was growing, flourishing inside of me. Where all but 3 beautiful minutes of his life were spent. 

My mind drifts to my girls. The twins I dreamed of for years. The perfect babies that were to be my rainbows, but we're not actually meant to be. I always feel like I messed up with them somewhere. Like I was given this chance to have it all and I screwed up. But I can't seem to actually point to what I did wrong exactly. I miss them just as badly, but my life has already turned into a pile of grief before they were born, that it was somehow easier to get through the days. The fact that I had already begun to grieve them before they died was not lost on me. I hoped and prayed for them to survive, but I knew. Mothers usually do. Fathers too, Jason knew. I worried leaving the hospital still pregnant, that I would have one baby at home and traumatize my self and everyone else in our home. But I wanted to give them the chance at life so I did. Of course I made it back to the hospital to have them. Made it easier to not have them at home, easier to bond and then say goodbye. 

I don't know if I will ever truly have another carefree moment, or restful night sleep. I do know however that I will always think of them and what could have been. 

Thankfulness

Every year except this one I have taken part of the 30 days of thankfulness. Where every day in for the month of November you post what you are thankful for. 

This year I'm not going to lie. I have just been pretty depressed. It's not that I don't have lots to be thankful for. I do. I am also pretty happy. I've come to realize that you can be both depressed and happy. Depressed doesn't equal sad. And sad doesn't equal depressed. Not all the time anyway. 

I've become someone who likes herself. I like getting up and taking the kids to school and then I am content to spend the entire day in bed with a book. While that sounds great for a brake now and then it's actually lead to a lot of sleeping. And a lot of not so productive days. It doesn't help that my iron levels have plummeted leaving me feeling weak and tired day after day. 

So I've decided to make myself dress everyday. And leave the house. It's worked but left me with headaches and tiredness like I haven't felt in years. I'm thinking that part in the low levels of iron in my blood. Luckily I have an upcoming doctors appointment where I'm hoping to work all this out. 

Anyway I decided to do my 30 days of thankfulness in one day. So here I go. 

1. My husband 

2. My parents 

3. My sisters 

4. My Brother in laws

5. My 8 children

6. Jason job 

7. My church family

8. My children's teachers 

9. I friends that I have never met 

10. My support group

11. My pastor 

12. My OBGYN 

13. The Labor and Delivery staff at Mobile Infermary 

14. Freedom 

15. A home 

16. Heat 

17. Having enough food 

18. Medicines

19. Transportation 

20. Love 

21. Coffee 

22. Bible

23. Health 

24. Being able to be a stay at home mom 

25. Worshipping the Lord with children every week. 

26. Layaway 

27. My 4 neices and 1Nephew 

28. Education 

29. The staff of Forest Lawn Cematery 

30. Peace, forgiveness, grace, faith, hope. 

To Meredith

Today is a day I invisioned being different than it is. Today should have been your birthday. Today is the day that you would have been born, had things been different. There are so many things I invisioned this day being when your mama told me about you. Today was going to be a day of Joy, happiness, laughter, excitement, healing, and pain. However God called you home so soon, that today all if that is replaced with simple longing for what should have been. 

I know you are ok baby girl. I know you sit with my children, in the arms of Jesus. I think of how perfect it is for you there and it makes me smile. You never felt an ounce of the pain on this world. But still I miss you. Your mom and dad shared the few hours they had with you with me.  I am so glad I got to hold you and kiss your sweet face. I know they miss you too, one day baby girl, one day our family will be whole. We will walk together in heaven, telling you stories and making all the memories we wanted to share with you. Until then I will speak your name and keep you tucked in my heart forever. 

I love you Meredith. 

  Aunt Crystal 

When I get there.

I went to see you today. It was cold. Reminded me of when you were born. I can't believe it's been almost 2 years. I find myself missing parts of those years and wondering where I was when those memories were being made. I was there of course, but most of the time things happen around me and while I am trying to focus on the moments I'm still thinking of you. Of how it should be. How it would be. How you would be. There is no part of me that doesn't want you still. I think the hardest part is realizing that I don't know how long this life without you is. Are my days on earth short or long? Who will go before me and get to hold you? When will I get there?  

Some may say, I shouldn't think like that. But I say, why not? I have so much in heaven just waiting on me. And so much on earth counting on me to be here. I still have Gods work to do on earth before I can move on to worship in heaven. But what a glorious day it will be when all if my tears are wiped away ad I stand before the Lord and he knows my name. How wonderful it will be when I'm at the gates of heaven and they open wide for me, and on the other side stand my children with open arms waiting, for me to join them in heavens grace. 

Healing

Maybe it's time. Maybe this year is going to be the year I can be happy and excited about Christmas again.  I hope it is. I am excited now. Exited in a way I remember from years ago, before.... The me from before loved Christmas. She decorated every thing. She sang while she cooked. She smiled and laughed. The past 2 years have been difficult. There were times I wanted to give up and there were nights I begged Jason to skip Christmas. I didn't want to celebrate anything. I felt alone and abandoned. I didn't want to decorate. I didn't want to sing. I actually cried while cooking and spent a lot of time at the cematery. This year feels different. This year feels full and brighter. This year I may put in effort that I haven't been able to find in 2 years. 

I hope I can hold on to these feelings. Joshua will be 2 soon. 2 years. Seems unreal that it's been that long! 

The list

There are so many things that have  become hard to do over the past couple years. Sometimes I can avoid them or ignore them. Other times they hit me in face unexpectedly. 

1. Making shopping list- for over a year I've been winging my shopping and forgetting much needed supplies. The night my water with Hope broke I was making a huge shopping list and clipping coupons. I don't clip coupons anymore. 

2. Driving. I should be driving a huge van or SUV. just for the car seat. I drive a car..... I don't want to be faced with empty seats where my children should be. 

3. Newborns & Kids who are the ages my kids should be. (So basically any under 2)  There are very few babies I am comfortable holding. I do not apologize for that. 

4. Laughter. This one is so hard. I'm happy and feel guilty about it. I should just lay in bed all day. And ya know what. There are some days that I don't get out of the bed at all. And that is ok. But I have to remind myself that being happy and laughing is ok and I am not doing anything wrong, by laughing. 

5. Baby Shampoo. I don't know what it is about the smell of baby shampoo that makes me crave more and then cry but it does. 

Forever

I didn't keep up with the Capture your grief 2014 challenge this year.... That's a lie.... Actually I did. However I was not compelled to share. I was not in the mind set to open up this year. Why? Well who knows. Grief is such a confusing experience that never ends. 

When Johua Died I didn't have much experience with death. Actually that's not true. I had experience with death, grandparents, a couple of friends, great grand parents, Ants, Uncles... But no one who I had not expected to die before me. I never imagined my child dying. I had never lived the day to day life of someone who was trying to hold together broken pieces of themselves while pieces were missing. 

That is as close as I can come to explaining how I feel. Part of me is missing. And while yes I know, they aren't coming back and I logically understand that death is permanent, I had never realized how forever fit in. 

Last weekend while watching the kids running around the yard I felt a cool brease. My thoughts quickly turned to my son, who is not here. I thought of how his 2nd birthday is in 6 weeks and it hit me.... "I can't fix this". There is nothing I can do to feel whole. There is nothing I can say to make it better. I'm broken. It's always going to be this way. 

While his 2nd birthday coming the knowledge of Faith and Hope's would be birthdays are looming. I see beautiful little girls and wonder what they would have been this year for Halloween. Thing one and two maybe? Peanut Butter and Jelly? I wonder if they would be walking yet. If they would have liked a sucker or two. 

All the thinking won't help. It dosent change. I will go to sleep tonight and dream of how perfect they are. How their faces light up as they laugh. And I will wake tomorrow with a broken heart. Fake it though another day, and try to put together pieces that don't fit anymore. 

I will always miss them. I will always love  them. I will always wonder who they would have been.  

Little of this and that.

I realized today that it's been 2 months since I have really written. Except for the capture your grief photos. ( I'm doing really bad at those this year). I have so much that I am doing though. So I thought I would catch everyone up on everything. 

First Landon is doing good. He has a diagnoses of ADHD And has started meds for that and he is doing really well on them. He is getting the help he needs in reading. We will never really know if the ADHD was caused by the accident or not, but we do know that this is who he is now and that's what we have to focus on. The now. 

Haleigh made all a's on her first report card. She's doing so well in school. In going to call and make her an appointment in Birmingham for a check up and consult on her nose. It's a little slanted. I just wanna see what he has to say. 

The other 3 kids are doing well, in school and their sports. 

After talking with my doctor we decided to cut my Zoloft in half for 2 weeks. Then I went to 1 1/2 pill every other day for 2 weeks. Well that lasted a total of 3 days before I was in tears, dizzy, crying and  just not functioning at all. So I went back to 1/2 everyday and it helped but I just wanted to crawl in a hole. So after a very rough month I am back to my normally scheduled dose and I'm sticking to it for a while. 

I wish I didn't need it, I wish I wasn't a mess, I wish I had better coping skills. But I do need it and I am a mess and honestly I don't even think people with awesome coping skills could cope with my beautifully messed up world. 

On another note we have decided that the girls head stone will simple say 

Faith & Hope Greer

Our baby Sisters 

With a double teddy bear emblem where Joshua's train is. 

I don't feel bad about leaving the Aubree and Amelia off. For one no one calls them that and it's not on any of the cemetery papers since we added them a couple of months after. And third since we kept Faith and Hope as their First names instead of the middle names (like we had planned with pregnant) their initials spelled out are awful. So just Faith ad Hope won. We should have it ordered right after Christmas. 

Day 17

Day 17 explore. 

Day 16

Retreat 

Day 9. In memory

Day 14

Light Dark 

Day 13

Day 12

There will be a day_ Jeremy Camp 

Music 

Day 10

Day 10 

Support. 

Day 8

Resource day 8 

Day 6 -- Book

Day 4

Day 5

Before

Day 2

Heart 

Day 1

Sunrise 

Capture your grief 2014

Regrets

I have regrets over some parts of my life, like not going back to school after Maddie was born. I felt the need to work and provide for her instead. I wish I had realized that school would have helped both of us. I regret not taking a stern stand when I knew I was in labor with Aden 8 weeks early but the dumb on call told me to take a chill pill.

 I regret not starting out home schooling my children. They love their schools and I wouldn't take them out now. Even Haleigh who is now in kindergarten is attached to her school and her wonderful teacher. I still wish I would have home schooled them. 

There are very few things I would do differently with my Angels. There are some pictures I have of the girls that I don't have of Joshua that I wish I would have taken. And with the girls I think it's more I felt and still feel incomplete. Almost like their time was not meant to be up. I know God doesn't make mistakes though so I know it was their im time. 

I would never change having them though. Even though the past 2 years ( I found out 2 years ago that I was pregnant with Joshua) have been a nightmare I would still chose to be their mother. 

I do wish I would not have been in such a deep grief these past 2 years. It's almost like I wasn't even here. And some days it's still that way. I can't remember a lot if things that happened, I wish I could redo the past 2 years with out the pain.

My Haleigh started school. Today was her 4th day. She's all smiles and giggles about it. And that's wonderful. I wish I would have been able to teach her more last year. I wish I could remember her last year at home with me full time. But I don't. All I remember is pain. 

Acting 101

I was never really interested in becoming a star. I know I liked to sing and dance when I was little. But I never wanted to act. Now I put on a show an act everyday. 

Every morning when I get up, I don't want to, but I don't have a choice. I drag myself out of bed and take a shower. Washing the tears from the night before away with the new ones that are forming. The rest of the day is like a balancing act of emotions. Breakfast... Don't cry.... Cleaning.... Hide tears ..... Lunch ...... Smile..... Laugh..... Don't cry ...... Cleaning.... More tears ....  Play with the kids ...... Don't think.... Don't cry ...... Don't cry...... Bath time..... Don't think just do...... Dinner.... Blame crying on onions...... Movie ...... Blame crying on sad part or really funny part. Bed time.... Made it through another day with out you. Wonder how much longer I can smile. Wonder how it's possible to hurt so much and still live. Try not to wonder who you would be now and fail at that so more tears. 

.......... Repeat everyday. 

I'm a mess.

I became angry today.

 Most days I feel a little angry.  But this was not the same as most days. I'm looming on the birthdays of my little girls. Thinking of how I should be celebrating them. I am still obsessed with Dr.Susses and I think I would do a Thing 1 and Thing 2 party. I mean what could be cuter for twins right. 

I thought about all the things I have not been able to do this year. I wasn't able to teach you to talk. I wasn't able to teach you to walk. I wasn't there to hold your hand, I wanted to be there to help you stand. I needed you here with me this year I wanted to be your mother in so many ways, more than I will ever get to this side of heaven. 

My life feels broken most days and today I couldn't hold it back. I snapped at the people who love me and I expected them to just understand. They do. They shouldn't have to. I wish none of us understood how to deal with grief so well. 

I will never understand why I have 3 beautiful babies in heaven. I wish I was too busy with them to blog. But instead I'm lonely in a room full if people who will never understand what you mean to me. 

I don't know how I live each day without you. I don't know how I carry on. It's inly by the Grace of God that I am still standing. 

Worth it

I wanted... I want

We live in a world of want. Want for more and bigger and better. We live in a world full of wan for the perfect for the normal. Everyone around me seems to have a list, a list of wants.

Not all wants are bad. I have a daughter who wants to play college softball. I have a son who wants to be a preacher. I have a sister who wants to be a teacher. Theses are wonderful wants. 

Then there is the person who wants everyone to see them, you know the one who wants all the attention. There is the one that wants the newest phone with max speed. And then The one who wants you to believe life for them is just perfect. 

My wants have changed so much. I use to want happy healthy children. I mean who doesn't right? Then God blessed me with children that needed special medical care and the Healthy part faded some what. Yeah I still wanted healthy children but my idea of what healthy meant changed. Happy, I strive for happiness. 

Healthy use to actually mean normal.  100% normal. I let go of that when Aden was born and needed early intervention for his first 18 months. You would never know it now, but we actually had thought he may be autistic. He didn't react to other people the way most babies do. He would actually have rather sit in his swing all day and night than be held. Turns out he was just delayed and we needed to teach him about touch. It didn't come natural to him the way it should have.  

Then when Landon was born so early that we had a scare of possible Brain bleeds leading to blindness. I accepted it before the results were in. He of course sees great, but had he been blind I would have wanted him just as much. 

Haleigh came after that with major medical issues, feeding and digestion were rough for 2 years. Add in surgeries and you have far from a "normal" child. 

When I laid in the hospital praying that Joshua would live. I had been offered a termination. One of the things that was explained to us was that because if the extreme low fluid there was a possibility of mental handicaps. I looked at Jason and we knew. We knew that this child we were carrying. This child God had blessed us with, would be worth it. We knew that if God allowed us to keep him, that we would spend our lives making sure he was treated fairly and as normal as possible. Just like we had for our other Children before him. We would pave a path for him life that would allow him all the experience life has to offer. 

All life is worth it. No matter how long that life may be here on earth, I know that my children live forever with Jesus and that makes their short lives worth every second I spent fighting for them. 

What a blessing it is that i have so much waiting on me in heaven. 

Choices

Choices 

We make choices everyday. Everyone of them effects more that just ourselves. They effect everyone around us. When I make choices I try to make the best choice for everyone. Sometimes I have to sacrifice what I really want, so that others can have what they need. Some times it's small. Sometimes it's big.

Last year I made to choice to try and give my little girls life. By making that choice I decided for my family that they were to help me. And they stepped up. Even though it didn't last very long for the week that I held on they have up things that were important to them to be there for me. 

School starts in a few weeks. A week earlier than last year. Meaning sign ups and meet the teacher are a week earlier. We've already started. Last year I only for one kid done before my water broke. Jason took the others. They were scared. It was their first year in a different school. In a new city. They didn't know anyone. By the time meet the teacher came I was just a few days from the death of my children. I went in with bruises all along my arms. I didn't try to hide them. My mom drove me as I had surgery that week too. I was spaced out and had to keep asking my mom what my phone number was. I can only imagine what the teachers were thinking. I think everyone could tell I didn't want to be there. I wanted to be at home in the bed still.  I often wondered why everyone just couldn't stop the world and leave me alone. It's not what I needed at that time. To be left alone would have been rough. But it is what I wanted. I'm glad the people in my life knew better. 

This year meet the teacher is on the worst possible day. They could have picked the 12th, they could have picked the 8th. But no. They chose to have it on the one day of August when I will not want to wake up, I won't want to breath. Buy I will. I will cry in the morning, I will visit them and take them balloons. I will send one to heaven. Then I will pick my self up and go meet my sons teachers. 

They are probably going to be able to tell that I don't want to be there. They will probably think I'm a distant parent. I just have to remember that they do not know what that day is for me. That they don't know how hard it was to dress myself that day. And I that God that they don't know. 

Dreams

There are so many times I dream of who my children would have been. What Their smiles would have looked like what their voices would have sounded l like. I use to be bothered by them. But now I see them as glimpses of what heaven will be like with then. I see Joshua with a head full of blond hair. Like Haleigh's. With eyes tented green like Madalyn's. I see him being 3-4 in every dream I have of him.

 My girls. I see them with slightly darker hair and they are always about a year old. Fuller faces and fat little thighs. Faith has piercing blue eyes and Hopes are lighter like the color of the sky.   

They are all 3 happy healthy and laughing.  It's Heaven. It has to be.

I have other dreams. Where all my what ifs live.  In these dreams I'm either frantically searching for my kids that I can't find or I am pregnant and know what's about to happen so I do things different than I did but it never had a happy ending. 

Last night I had a what if dream. It's one I have had before and it's one I hate. This is the one where I decide that I will not do anything while pregnant with Joshua after my water brakes, I decide against medical advice that I don't have a clear enough evidence that my life is in danger. This is the dream where I don't make it either. It's my least favorite dream of Joshua even though it ends with us together. I'm still sad because I see my other kids morning not only their brother but also their mother. 

 I know there was nothing I could have done to make things better. I know I tried really hard to give my kids a shot at life. I know I know I know. Sometimes knowing you did the exact right thing is as hard as if you had done the wrong thing instead. 

11 months

11 months. 

How have I survived 11 months with this whole in my heart? There are days that go by and all I've done is sit and think of you. What you would be doing. The sound of your laughter that would surely be filling our house by now.

 The healing you would have brought to our family is more than should ever be put on a child, but I had hopes that the two of you would bring that healing when you were born. Never did I imagine that a bigger hole would be torn instead. 

I never wanted you to be angles. I never wanted you to watch over our family. I never wanted you to keep us safe. 

I wanted you to live as my babies. I wanted to watch over you. I wanted to keep you safe. I wanted to teach you things and watch you grow. 

Things didn't go as planned. You left too early, we had to say goodbye before we had a chance to say hello. 

I miss you girls like crazy. I just want to hold you somedays. Others I just want to see your sweet face. 

One day it will happen. I just have to wait one day Jesus will call me home and you will be there waiting at the gate. 

I saw a beautiful picture of a rainbow today and it reminded me of the blessing you were. A double rainbow after a storm. I will never understand why you were taken from me. I will never understand why there is so much pain in this world. I'm glad you never experienced the pain of this world. But selfishly wish you were here with me. I know your not alone there. I know your brother was there to meet you when you Walked through the gates of heaven and into Jesus' arms. 

I know the three of you were watching over Landon when he was in Intensive Care. 

I know y'all welcomed Meredith with open arms as we had to say goodbye to her much too soon. Much in the way we said goodbye to you. 

I know your ok and I know you are not sad. I know you don't miss me, because there is no sadness in heaven. I know you a fully formed and Jesus finished knitting you together in heaven. I'm sorry I couldn't hold you long enough for him to finish you here. 

I love you Joshua, Faith and Hope. To the moon... To the moon. 

Who is 1 in 4

Statistics say that 1 in 4 women will have a pregnancy loss in the 2nd or 3rd trimester.

 

When I was apart of an online community for women due in May when I was pregnant with Joshua I always made sure I posted how sorry I was when someone lost their baby early. But in the back if my head I was thinking. If it's them then it's not me. When I entered into my 2nd trimester and since I had never had a loss that far before I just "knew" I would be ok. When the other ladies would post about losing babies I was again very sorry but I didn't get it at all. Not really. Then it was me. And I found out it happens to 1 in 4 women. So when I found out I was pregnant with my girls, made it past the first 12 weeks, then I saw were there were some ladies with later losses and I had 2 thoughts. 1. It's already happened to me so it won't again. And 2. If it's happening to them it won't be me this time. I'm not 1 in 4 twice.... Then I was. 

So when my sister got pregnant I (as always) found out when her baby would be viable (24ish weeks). And prayed she make it just that far. Every day after that mark would be a great joy. I also had no fear she would have a loss like mine. I mean if it's truly 1 in 4 and in our immediate family there are 4 women than I am the 1. No one else just me. I am the 1 in 4. We can't both be the 1 in 4. So when she made it to 12 weeks I knew she would be fine. 

I was wrong. 

I don't know when the day was when numbers were pulled for this 1 in 4 but apparently something went wrong and we both pulled a 1. 

I wish I was the only one that knew this pain. I wish the bond I have with my sister I didn't have. I wish... I wish... I wish. 

I don't know the answers to what happens next all I know is what happens now. And now we love each other through our pain and try to let those who love us in enough to help us when we can't help our selves. 

Anger

This is possibly the 5th post with the message of how angry I am. This is a different anger though. I am at a point of not understanding. I am in a place where nothing makes since. 4 babies in less than 2 years. Actually it's 4 in 18 months. I want some answers. 

I have not lived a perfect life no one has. I have made really big mistakes. But my sister no she has lived her life for God for as long as I can remember. She's not perfect but she is someone that I strive to be like. She is the example of a Christian woman. And a wonderful mother. She deserves to be able to raise her baby girl. It's not fair. 

Stronger

My sister Heather is the strongest person I know. Not one of, no she's at the top. 

When Joshua was born and the hospital told me that there was a place that buried babies for free I was devastated when I found out that we couldn't go to the actual service, that there wasn't one it's held in November every year for all the babies at one time. I didn't think we had another choice, but I did. 

My wonderful nurse told me that some places do infants at a massively reduced rate. So my family took charge and found the one that my mom used for her mother has a great program for infants. 

I refused to go to the funeral home. I cried when I knew Heather was there planning my childs funeral. But I didn't have it in me to go. She picked out my childs eternal resting place. She ordered the flowers. She talked with the pastor. 6 months later when we ordered the marker I cried the whole time we were there. My other sister didn't live close by, but still managed to arrange food for us after the service. 

My plan was today that I would return what my sister did for me and I would plan her daughters funeral. My sister is stronger than I am. She went. She sat and planned her baby's funeral. She picked the marker and ordered the flowers. After that she spoke with our pastor. 

I held it together while we were there but I have no idea how she did it. I am amazed at how strong she is. 

But she is not alone. I will be there for her when she needs me to be and I will step back when she needs me to. 

More than we can take.

Life... It's more than I can take right now. Our family has been hit again and hard. I do not understand what is happening. I do not understand why and I know I am not suppose to, but Damn man my heart can't take much more of this pain. 

Watching my little sister go through what I went though is almost as hard as going through it. 

To my Sister Heather and my Brother Jason. I love you. Meredith is a beautiful baby, thank you for sharing the time you had with her with me. To hold her was an honor. 

Aunt Crystal loves you sweet baby girl! 

Update on Landon.

Landon is at home. We came home yesterday. He has to take it easy but is expected to make a full recovery. He has a dr appointment on Monday. He said today that his voice sounds funny. It sounds the same to me. But maybe he hears it differently. He still is very tired and sometimes looks spaced out a little. Time will heal these things. Lots to talk to at the dr Monday for sure. 

Accidents Happen

Triggers... this post is about my living children.

Some people may find my heading going into this post a little weird. However it is something we in the baby loss community understand. The need of a warning that what you are about to read is about a living child. If you don't understand that is ok, that just means you are incredibly lucky.

My Kids

I have five living children. Most everyone who reads the blog knows that already. Some of them came into the world early and survived their premature births. Some are so healthy its scary. They are all so special in many different ways.

A Freak Accident

On Saturday morning we got up early and went to the church, we were having a Dad and Daughter Fishing Trip and a Mother Son pancake breakfast. We had a great time. Later that afternoon we took the kids back to the church to play on the ball field. Its something we have done before when they want to go hit some balls, they all have a love for sports so we hit balls in the back yard, but we have lost about 6 in the ditch that runs behind our house since we have had so much rain, when one falls in there it gets swept away. So we decided just to go to the ball field instead.

Landon is 7 years old, he has just finished the 1st grade and loves to play sports. He was on the pitchers mound, the ball was hit and it was a line drive. Landon is also slightly ADD and turned his head to look at something. When he did the ball hit him in the head. On the right side. Turning his head was very dangerous. Its one reason ball players have to be so focused. Eyes on the ball at all times. Know where that ball is coming to. It may have also saved him. I do not think he would have been able to catch that ball even had he been paying attention. I am not sure if he could have moved fast enough if he would have seen it coming. What I do know is that if that ball would have hit him in the face or front of the head, things would be much worst than they are now.
I say that typing this out from the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit, watching my baby sleep, hooked to monitors and an IV and a blood pressure cuff.

From Saturday to Monday

Saturday when we arrived at the hospital we were separated from Landon. There was a team of 12 or so doctors waiting on us. We went to fill out the paper work. I am convinced that the paper work it to take you mind away from the fact that they just took your baby from you and you have no idea what is going on. I hope one day they learn that doesn't work on moms like me. They handed me my insurance card and I asked to be taken to my child. I was told I would have to wait. I immediately asked why and then asked to speak with the charge nurse. The charge nurse, explained that Landon was in CT and when he got back from his scan she would come find me, That I did understand and I knew she would have no trouble finding me, because I wasn't moving from that spot. (she did however tell me to stay close by... um ok). We were taken back to see him and he was sleeping, was hooked to a lot of monitors and looked like he was hurting. The doctor came in and said that he had looked at the scan and he did have a bad fracture. The surgeon would look at the scan and decide if he needed surgery on his skull and brain. That was a long 20 minutes. They decided he didn't need emergency surgery and that he was stable enough to be moved down the road to the children's hospital. We were separated again for more paper work, I got very annoyed because he was in the PICU and that is a locked unit, so there was no way to get in until they came to get me. It took about 30 minutes. He looked so little and helpless laying in that big PICU bed with all the hook ups on him. Jason and I let my parents go see him, his aunts, and his sister and her boyfriend since they were old enough. The PICU has an age requirement of 14, so Maddie is the only one old enough to go back. Jason went home for a little while for a shower and a nap. At 230 am on Sunday morning when I was alone in the room with Landon and it was all quite, it hit me. My baby could have died.

Sunday at 4am the PICU doctor came in along with the brain surgeon. They agreed he needed a follow up scan and we would go from there. They listed his status and Critical. At 6 am Jason was back at 730, he was having his CT scan. It was a very long day of, not knowing what was happening. Our Pastor and Children's Pastor came and prayed with us. That afternoon the Surgeons decided he would not need surgery, The bleeding on his brain had stopped and he was left with some bruising on the brain, and a very extensive fracture, forming a star on one side where the ball hit and running across his forehead. They told us he was still in very serious condition. The kids were upset that they couldn't see him. I went home and got some clothes and took a shower. Jason left at 10 to go home with the other kids. It was another long night, the nurses came in every hour to check his eyes and wake him up to ask him his name.

Monday at 8am, Jason was back, he made sure our oldest son Collin made it to camp and then the other kids were with my mom. Landon had been awake for about 30 minutes before falling back to sleep. Lights hurt his eyes, tv hurts his head, sound hurt everything. So we sit and rub his head and feet and legs, to let him know that we are here and that we love him and that we will not leave. The hospital has 2 family rooms with washer and dryers. Snacks and drinks, I had spilled some coffee so I had to wash my clothes. Jason went and got us some lunch. Landon continued to make improvements in waking up and talking to us. He kept down some peach slices and his STATS were great so they discharged him from PICU to the peds floor. That's a big step and one closer to going home. He shares a nurse with 4 other kids instead of the one on one he had in the PICU and that ok cause either Jason on I will be with him. His face started to swell but they say that is normal. He is tired and they say that he is healing.

Tomorrow is Tuesday and we are going to try walking. They have said to go home, he has to eat and take oral pain meds with out throwing up. We will be here a few more days.

Landon will have to be careful, no sports for a year. Follow ups with a few doctors and lots of rest for the next 6 months. I am not sure how we are going to deal with School and PE yet, I have a little bit of time before I have to figure all of that out.

 

Happy Mothers Day.

I don't believe Mother's Day will ever be the same for me.

 I am always a little sad everyday. There is never a day that I don't think about my children, about what today would be if they have lived, what would my nights be like. Nights are hard because I know I would have been up taking care of little ones, so sleeping is hard. I don't want to sleep I want to be awake changing diapers and nursing my babies. There is never a moment I forget.

 

On Mother's Day last year I wrote how I was grateful that our church didn't hold baby dedication that day. That I was able to go to church and not have to sit though the baby dedication. This year we did though and I was ok. I cant say I wasn't scared at how it may go, or how I may feel, because as it was I should have had my girls to dedicate to the church today too. I should have been up there with Faith and Hope. And yes I had that thought. I also had the thoughts of how beautiful baby Mallory was today sitting in our pastors arms. He choked up a little while expressing his love for children. I realized then that even though my children died he loved them that way too. I cried. I wasn't the only one though, and I cant say I know why everyone else was crying, but I can say that I was crying for two reasons.

One I am sad. Sad that my children are not here with me and that they will never be here with me. I will however be with them one day.

Two I am happy. I am happy that this baby will grow to know the Lord and that I have a part of that. I am apart of her church family, Just as all the other children in the church. I will help her know Jesus in Children's Church, I will help teach her to pray, I will teach her God's love.

I wish I was able to teach those things to Joshua, Faith and Hope. 

 

I am in a different place this Mother's Day than I was last year. I was pregnant last year with the girls. I had not found out myself yet though.

 

I will never be the person I was last year. I have grown and I am more open to things I would have never been open to a year ago. I am thankful for everything I have learned though losing my babies, but I would still chose to have them with me. I would still chose for myself and have them here on earth with me. Selfish? yes it is and that is OK. 

He's got Today.

Today I can not say was the best day of my life, but it wasn't the worst either. I know that even though it was an expected date this would have never have been his birthday. And in a strange way that comforts me.

My new job as a children's director in my church has taken off. We have a lot of events planned. We have had many meeting and many more to go. We are just starting on this road. It's exciting and challenging. It's made me think a lot about where I stand with God. I've said before I am not mad at him. I do not believe he stole my children. They were always his, he just in trusted me with them while they were in earth. And even though It was such a short time I am glad it was me. 

I have thought sometimes why he would put so much pain in my life so close together. That somehow this would have been easier has it happened when I was younger or between living children instead of back to back. And then my pastor cleared it all up for me. Though it took me 2 weeks to understand what he said was true. God has no past no future. Time for us is leaner because that's how we understand life. For God everything is now. 15 years ago for us is now. 15 years from now for us is now. So I understand, everything that has Happened and will happen is happening right now. Like I said it confused me for 2 weeks. But I understand now. 

I'm sure I don't have all the answers. I'm sure a child will ask me a question that I don't know the answer to and I will answer with "That's a great question, let's find the answer together". I'm sure I am going to learn as much if not more from them than they will from me. I am sure God lead me here or I would have ran far far away from this job. I'm sure I'm going to love it and hate it. I'm sure it's going to bring more joy into my life. I'm sure that it's scary to start new things. I'm sure it's worth it. And lastly I'm sure God is with me. He's got this, even if I don't. Even when I doubt my ability to do this he knows. He has this. He has me. 

Triggers

Triggers what does it mean?

I see that word and it has multiple meanings for me. 

At one point it might mean I have a migraine and something I ate triggered it (pork). 

I read it at the top of a post in my loss group and I know that they are either announcing a pregnancy or birth of their rainbow. 

A trigger for the Baby loss community looks different for everyone in it. It may look different for every person every day. 

When Joshua died I couldn't even look at my own maternity clothes they just reminded me that I wasn't pregnant with him. I leaked for a while after he was born when I heard a baby cry. My triggers that lead to me crying in the bathroom at target included walking past a baby's sock. It was a very painful time to be me. And I suspect even around me. 

When Faith and Hope were still safely tucked inside my womb, I has thoughts of how healing having twins was since I had lost Joshua. I still had issues with stores so I looked on line. When they died my triggers were not only that of Radom baby things but now included all things twin. Even the off chance of catching a re-run of Sister-Sister hurt. I was set off by little girls who looked alike or who were not twins but were dressed alike. Same out fit, same bow, different colors. All I could think was, how I was robbed of the chance to parent my children.  

As my grief had changed so has my triggers. I still stair at pregnant women and hope their babies make it. I pray every night that my sister brings her baby home from the hospital healthy. I can online shop for her. I haven't tried to go to the baby store yet. I may try.... I may order. I can hold babies, but I don't want to put them down or give them back. I still feel robbed. Cheated. Shorthanded. But it no longer keeps me a prisoner of my home. I am no longer crying in the bathroom at target. 

One day I may be able to see a child who was born when my babies should have been born as not think of how much I miss them. One day I may wake up and not immediately think of how unfair this all is, one day one day. 

But for today I'm still here. Still knowing that in 20 minutes It will be Joshua's would be 1st birthday. The day we had circled on the calender. The day he was due to be born. 

So if I seem a little scattered and I don't pick up the phone, it's because my arms are aching to have what now only my heart can hold. Be paient with me while I grieve the loss of what today will never be.  

Today

One Day. If that's all you had left with someone what would you say? What would you do?

Depends on the person right? I mean if it's your mail person, you might smile when you see them. But if it's you child, I bet you would hold them until the very end was done. 

Imagine that's the only day you had with them ever? That's how it is for me. That's how I feel. I had a few hours to make a life time of memories with 3 beautiful children. There is so much that I still wanted to say and do with them. So much I wanted them to know. 

I didn't have time. I didn't know that I didn't have the time. That there wasn't going to be a tomorrow with them. 

I had plans. The night my water broke with Joshua I remember thinking got much I had to get done that night and the next day what all I needed to be bought to decorate for Christmas. I thought I has time to sit and rub my belly and talk to my baby later. I thought I would have a lifetime to share my love for him. But I didn't. 48 hrs later he was gone. My whole world shattered. 

There is not a tomorrow. There is however a today. Use today! Let things happen today. Slow down. Take your time. Be paient. Let life happen. Take a step back and thank God for today. Not once in the bible have I seen it said "Jesus then hurried off because he fell behind Gods plan and had to catch up" 

We are never behind. We are always exactly where we are meant to be. 

Turning the page

I'm taking a turn in my life. God has been pulling me in a few different directions recently. Some things I know are for the future and not for now. I am not far enough along in my walk with grief to do some of the things I am meant to do. But I'm getting there.

This blog has helped me vent out my feelings over the deaths of my children, and has been very healing. In my walk there has been very few times where I have written about much except the really hard days, but the time has come to write about the ways I am growing. How my grief is helping me grow in my Faith and how I am becoming more like Jesus and my walk with him.

Am I still grieving?  Yes and I always will be. There will never be a day that goes by, I don't think about my children that are not with me. There will however come a day where I will see them again. I try to focus on that day and not the days behind me. That doesn't mean I am leaving them behind though. They are always here with me, everyday with everything I do they are with me.

So what is new?

I held another baby. My 2nd since having the girls. A little girl at church. She is 3 months old and the sweetest thing. She fell asleep on my shoulder and I thought to myself "I could do this all day". I was a little sad. My girls were due about the same time she was, and it took me this long to hold her, but I did and I am glad I did. It's healing, but small doses is what I need.

I am planning a baby shower for my sister. She has been trying for her 1st baby for about 6 years and she is now 10weeks pregnant. I am so excited for her. I am having so much fun planning her big day.

I am becoming the Director of the Children's Department at church. I am Scared and ecstatic all together. Our children's department needs a complete overhaul redo. We have big plans for our new Ministry. There is so much to be done, there are so many ideas. I will be posting more about this later. For now though I am going to leave you with this.

If you are Expecting a baby. If you are holding your baby in your arms. Try to realize that they are truly a gift. Try to remember that in the span of your life 9 months is a very short time to give up your body to make another life. There will never be another day that was this one. You only have today. Stop complaining that you are tired, you wont be getting more sleep when the baby gets here you will be getting less. Stop complaining that the baby is kicking your bladder, soon you will be up every 2 hours not to pee but to change a diaper. Be grateful for those kicks, be grateful for those contractions that are leading to your baby. Don't take it for granted, you never know, It could all be gone in the blink of an eye.