2013

2013 has been renamed. The Year From Hell.

January started with me in deep Grief over Joshua's death. 

I didn't know how to live life with my baby gone. Then life decided to give me no choice. Haleigh needed emergency surgery to remove her infected expander in February. 

. 

March came and we moved into a house we got scammed by the guy. Yeah. 

In May was Joshua's due date and right after that I found myself pregnant again. 

Shortly there after. Twin girls were announced. 

Then the unthinkable happened AGAIN and I lost. Them. They were gone. 

August was bad. 

In September I had my tubes tied. Cutting any chances of having another baby die. But my arms will forever be missing my babies. 

November came thanksgiving was hard knowing Joshua should be there. 

December came. Joshua's birthday came. 

Then my scheduled section date for the girls came. But their due date is yet to come. 

Christmas came and as I took pictures I realized a glow. My babies in heaven watching my babies on earth. 

So come on 2014! Be better to me than 2013 was!! 

Judged

Do you ever feel judged?

I do sometimes. A lot actually. When people I don't know very well find out I have 3 children who died. I can see they are thinking "what did she do?" And when they find out it was at birth. I see the looks and questions of "what kind of drugs was she taking?"  If only it were that easy right. When people find out that I was on paper "induced" with Joshua, I wonder if they think I didn't try hard enough. I feel sometimes I tried harder with the girls. For the simple fact that I made it almost a week after Hopes water broke before having her and Faith. And with Joshua I only made it 2 days. When actually I didn't do anything different. I made no choices. I let what was to be to be. I followed the advice of my OB and tried to hang on to the lives that were growing inside of me. 

The fact of the matter is that It probably wouldn't make a difference no matter what I did. When your water brakes before viability (23ish weeks) your chances of taking home a baby are less than 1%. Yes there it is as soon as my water broke I had less than a 1% chance of ever bringing home my baby. I understand why some women give up and induce immediately. I don't judge them. It's physically and mentally draining to continue a pregnancy when you know that your baby has a 99% chance of dying no matter how far you carry him. Even if you somehow make it to 34 weeks your baby still has a 1% chance of life outside the womb. I decided that 1% was enough of a chance to fight for so I did. I fought and I lost. 

I think now though that maybe God did know what he was doing not letting me get further than I did. Sometime I have questioned why he couldn't give me just another few days of pregnancy so that Joshua would be seen as a stillbirth and not a miscarriage in the eyes of the state. At 20 weeks in Alabama you can get a Certificate of Birth resulting in a Stillbirth from vital records. At 19.4 weeks you get nothing from the state reconizeing you baby lived. The girls were 17.2 so they got didn't get anything either. I have questioned why I couldn't carry them longer to feel them move more. To know them more. However I can see how he knew that I needed to let go sooner rather than later because if a 1% chance of surviving the pregnancy was enough then a 1% chance of living outside the womb was going to be enough as well. 

I wonder if I had made it to viability how far I would have pushed to keep them alive. 

Since having the girls I have remembered a baby that was in the nicu with Landon. I remember that when Landon was so weak and small that this other baby had a mobile over his crib. I remember the nurses playing music and videos for him. I remember this baby sitting in the swing and I remember his parent called 3 times a day to check on him and visited on Sundays. I remember one Sunday I was visiting Landon and his mother was there. The nurses were telling the mother the drs were thinking of sending him home soon and wanted her to come stay overnight to do total care for him the next weekend. She answered with she would have to talk with his father but thought they could both be there the next Saturday. When they were done she asked me how Landon was doing. I told her good despite being born at 31 weeks he was doing well. I asked about her baby and she told me that he was born at 35 weeks. Her water broke at 18 weeks and he was still on O2 I asked how old he was and was shocked to find out he was turning a year that week! Yes the baby had spent a whole year in the nicu. He did go home the next weekend. I told the mom good luck. She said the same to me. She was being sent home with what I would call a home nicu. The monitors and O2 were all going with that baby. My guess is they trained the mother to care for him at home because he was stable. I wonder now of that baby is now 8 years old and doing well. If he made it. I wonder why I didn't remember that mother when I was laying there trying to hang on. If I had would I have chosen differently? Honestly I don't know. I know I told my OB that the choice oft children living and dying couldn't be mine. That it wasn't up to me. I still believe that, of course. But I think I understand now more than I did before why God said no after my water broke. Why he took them when he did. I still don't understand why my water had to brake in the first place though. 

 I know not all Pprom babies spend a year in the nicu. There is that .5% that are healthy and normal and have no problems from having no fluid. And I'm glad they are thriving. But it's just not the way it turns out for most families. And not wanting you baby to spend his whole life on O2 in the hospital is not a bad thing. I wouldn't want that for my children. 

When?

The last few days have just been hard. I miss my babies. I want to know what they would have looked like full term and whole. Fully formed. I want to know what they would have liked to play with. What their favorite foods are. What the love what they hate. What toys would they ask Santa for?

I sat today and watched Landon play outside in the back yard. Running around chasing the dog and my heart aches for the three kids I have that I will never get to watch do that. 

When will I be able to look at my kids and not see what I'm missing with the ones that are gone? When will I not look at a newborn and long for my own? When will I get through a holiday without the grief? When will it not hurt so bad? 

Christmas 2013

Today was both happy and sad all together. I was excited to see the faces of my children when they opened their gifts this morning. When we got up Haleigh declared today the best Christmas ever. I'm sure it was better than last year. I however still don't remember Christmas Day 2012.

We cooked a big breakfast then played with the new toys. Built a basket ball goal with the new set. Adjusted the set of a bike. Adjusted the bars of a scooter. Tried on new clothes and shoes. Took a bunch of pictures. We cooked out part of lunch/dinner. Took showers, put on new clothes and headed to my sisters house. We took all the stuff there and then headed to the cemetery. 

I have a live hate relationship with the cemetery. I love going and feel close to my babies while I am there. I know they aren't really there but I still feel closer to them there. Maybe it's because I am focused on just them. I then hate it there. I can't see them. I can't feel them. I can't have them. I miss them so much and I know I can't have them. I know that while this is Joshua's 2nd Christmas in heaven it's the girls first and there will be many many more to come that we celebrate without them and I don't want to. I want them here I don't want to have to go to the cemetery to tell them merry Christmas. It sucks more than anything else I can ever imagine. 

The picture below was taken last night. The round glow to the right on my oldest sons head was only on this picture and no others. I believe it's my babies. All three of them. 

Merry Christmas from earth to Heaven. 

Christmas

Merry Christmas in Heaven

Joshua, Faith and Hope. 

Being Happy

In general I am a happy person. You can't tell it by this blog. I write a lot more when I'm sad. It helps me deal with the tremendous grief and sadness that surrounds my life. I fake it a lot. I smile when I want to cry all of the time, but there are also times where I am truely having a good time. When I am having a moment of actual happiness and enjoyment. Times when I almost forget the hell my life has turned into. Today I had one of those days. I had a day where I woke up and realized I didn't dream last night. I didn't wake up with my heart aching. I didn't dream of my lost babies. I didn't dream at all. I had a morning that things went smoothly. We went to church even though it was raining (storming) I thought to myself this is a great day. I didn't wear my fake smile to church today. No today I had on my real smile and I'm not sure when the last time I wore that was. Sunday school was good and I was able to follow along with out my mind drifting (I have ADD). There was not any children's church today and despite having the boys sit with me I was able to listen to the message and follow along with out thinking about my sons funeral that was there a year ago. (That's something I think about often there).

Normally after church we go to the cemetery. Today it was raining so bad that we couldn't. We went to our Sunday school Christmas party and for the first time in a year I was surrounded by people and didn't feel alone. If you have never been in a room full of people and felt alone, then there is no way to explain how that feels. It's worse than actually being completely alone. Today though I felt like I was wanted there. Not like they had no choice but to invite me, bit that I was really wanted there. And it felt amazing. I laughed real laughs. I didn't sit in the corner and hide, I engaged myself in conversations. I felt a little like the me that left a year ago. And it scared me I started to think on the way home "should I be happy?" "Can I be happy and still be sad my babies died?" 

I have decided that yes I can I can have moments of pure happiness and I should. I need to allow them. 

I needed today more than anyone else knows. More than anyone at that party realized. They helped me feel normal today. Today I was not "the girls who's babies died" I was just Crystal. And that felt really good! 

Merry Christmas Baby Girls

To Faith and Hope on your would be birthday.

Faith And Hope,

  Oh how I wish today was the big day. The day I would meet my baby girls. The day I had been waiting for. Today is not your due date no today I would have been 36 weeks pregnant and today was the day my scheduled C-Section was to be. We had planned your births for December 20th, 2013. 1230pm. It's hard to know that your births would have happened today if my body could have held you until now. I miss the two of you like crazy. Dad and I have went back and fowarth on your names. I wanted to give you first names since Faith and Hope were suppose to be your middle names. Daddy wanted to keep them as your first names. So I agreed. Faith Aubree and Hope Amelia. I wish I had a stocking to fill for you this Christmas. I wish I could feel you lie across my chest. I wish I could hear you cry and see you open your eyes. I hope you know that I loved you so much and that I would have done anything to save your lives. I tried baby girls I tried. I hope you felt how wanted you were. I hope you felt loved. Happy Would be birthday sweet baby girls. 

I love you so very much! 

Mom

Another unforgettable day.

So much has happened in a year. So much pain. So many tears.

A year ago today I buried my baby boy. 

Just Alive

Looking back on my pregnancies I realize how blind I was to the complications of pregnancy and child birth. I knew the things that could happen to other people, but not me.

I remember when I was pregnant with Haleigh I declared I would give birth in my back yard before I had another c section. That was "the worst thing that could happen" was that I would not get my vbac. And I worried about it until I pushed her out.  I knew the risk. Still do. I'm glad I went for it, but really? That was the worst thing I could think of that would happen. That I would have to have another section. Her birth got me "over" my experience with my section. It was really bad. So when I was pregnant with Joshua and DrC asked if I wanted another vbac I said I would like to try to avoid another section if possible. He agreed I would probably have no problem with that. When I was in labor with Joshua DrC and I had to sign a vbac form and hospital policy stated I had to be offered a section and be told the risk of a vbac. I knew the risk. Just 4 years earlier I was an expert. The major risk is to the baby. My baby was going to die anyway no section needed. I had completely changed my mind when I was pregnant with the twins. I decided I wanted a section. When DrC said that he dosent like to vbac twins I said "no problem I want a section anyway" he was surprised. But understood better when I said I didn't actually care how they came out my goal was breathing baby. I failed at that of course. When I delivered them there was no time for a vbac form. But there was one in my chart. Anyone over 14 weeks with a section scar has to be offered a repeat section. I wouldn't have taken it again there was no risk to my babies. They were not going to be born alive anyway. 

It's amazing how much I changed in my personal view of how my children were suppose to be born. I went from wanting them born naturally to wanting them born just alive. 

Selfishly... Unselfish.

I have always felt I was a pretty selfless person. Even before I had children I always gave to my friends when they needed something. I never kept things back I shared what I had. A lot of times that got me hurt. It prepared me for motherhood though.You can't be incredibly selfish and be a mother. There are so many things you must give up to have a child.

 Your body for 9 months of pregnancy then a year of breast feeding. After that you may have your body back to yourself but it's forever changed. It's not the same one you loaned to your child for almost 2 years. 

Your sleep for ever.  There will be nights you get up with your child from the day they are born until the end.

Freedom of last minute plans, the fast car, expensive clothes, peeing alone. That all fades and you give it up freely to become a mother. It didn't take much for me even at just 15 I knew what I was going to give up to be a mother and I was ok with that. 

But losing my 3 children has taught me that some times you need to he selfish. Sometimes it needs to be about me. I keep things just for me and my close family. Their pictures without an edit. Those are mine and I don't want to share them publicly. I have a box of clothes I will not donate. I have a box of diapers that will never be used. I have names that I beg my family to never use for their yet to be born children. Because that was my baby's name. It's selfish to hold on to those things. I should let them go. I should give them to someone who's baby is alive and can cuddle into the blankets that have sat empty in a box for a year. But I won't. It hurts too much to give what little I have for them up. So they will sit there In that box and I will selfishly hold on to them. Because it's all I have. I have learned to say no for selfish reasons. "Can you watch my child today?" I use to actually watch other peoples kids for pay and I kept the nursery at church. I did children's church, missions for little ones, and even worked at a daycare when I was pregnant with Haleigh. I now answer that with a No. I can't. I don't do anything with the children at church. I help out. Special events, serve coffee, mission funds. But I can not help with other peoples kids. I love the kids at our church and my friends children I simply can not focus on them. The thought of sitting in the nursery at church makes me want to run far far away. So I simply say no I can not and selfishly walk away. 

Being a little selfish isn't bad I have learned. Everyone has to take care of them self. No one is going to take care of you for you. Not in this way. I have to do what's right for me and my family and sometimes that means being selfish. 

Should have.

I could have done it you know. Raised a few more children. I could have given birth to Joshua in late march beginning of April (since I always go early) and then gotten pregnant with the girls immediately after. I know people who have kids who are less than a year apart. I could have handled that. I could have had 3 kids under 1 right now. That would have been awesome. I would be should be so tired changing 30 diapers a day. Pumping, feeding, washing, I should be drowning in baby bottles and clothes. I should be a mess of newborns. I could have done it. I'm strong enough for that.

But this....

This tired is from being up crying, this lonelyness of no one really understanding. This pain of empty arms. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I would trade what is for what should have been any day. 

Days you don't forget part 4: Going home

Disclaimer - Most everyone who reads my blogs knows I have older living children. Some may not know that I have 5 older living children. This blog post will have stories about them and their births and  first birthdays. As a baby loss mom I know how hard it is to read about children who are the age your child should be. So I wanted to put that out there incase anyone wants to not read this post. That is by the way 100 % ok with me. 

I realize now since it's the day after that another day that sticks out for me is the day I brought my children home from the hospital. And leaving the hospital empty handed. I think it was easier for me to leave the hospital after Joshua died because I had left the hospital without my baby before. It wasn't the first time I had given birth and went home with out my newborn. 

Madalyn was the picture of health. We came home 2 days after her birth. I stopped by my grandmothers on the way home. She never had a problem as a newborn. Everything was perfect. I never imagined that Anyother child I ever had would not be just as big and healthy.

Collin also came home with me two days later. He had to have a bililight though and we had to take him to the dr everyday for a week to check levels. Then he logs weight and needed special formula. It was stressful to say the least. However he was healthy we were ok. 

Aden was my first baby that didn't come home with me. The day after I had him we both left the hospital. I went home Aden went to the children's hospital bigger nicu. I cried every night missing him. He was there 18 long days. Came gone. Had some stressful sicknesses along the way. But by preemie standards he was healthy. 

Landon taught me that sometimes you have to wait a long time. I spend 4 days in a different hospital unable to see my baby. I left the hospital empty handed just as I had with Aden 3 years before. I went to see Landon and then went home. 59 days we traveled back to the hospital sometimes twice a day. He was 2 months old when he came home and he was again healthy. He like Aden was wheeled out in his crib at the hospital. No wheelchair with baby for us. Again. 

Haleigh was early too. I didn't think they were going to let her leave with me. When they told me she could go I was scared to death. You mean they let babies who are 2 days old go home from the hospital?!? I got in that wheelchair and they handed me my baby. Finally I thought. This is the way it's suppose to be. Finally!! 

I left the hospital the day after Joshua was born. A year ago today. I carried a pillow and a box of reminders that he was real. I didn't cry. It wasn't that abnormal to leave without a baby. The hard part for me was there was but baby to call about to go see. To pump for to stress over.  The girls were much of the same. I carried two boxes out that day. 2 days after giving birth to them. I was tearful but I made it through. I didn't want to really leave the hospital. I knew once I got home I would have to face complete reality. Anther funeral for two lives not lived. Another due date that would come and go with out the newborn cries. Another empty armed chair ride. 

12/13/13

Days you never forget part 3: A year Later

Disclaimer - Most everyone who reads my blogs knows I have older living children. Some may not know that I have 5 older living children. This blog post will have stories about them and their births and  first birthdays. As a baby loss mom I know how hard it is to read about children who are the age your child should be. So I wanted to put that out there incase anyone wants to not read this post. That is by the way 100 % ok with me. 

Baby's first birthday. 

Madalyn turned one on a Thursday. Being 16 I decided her birthday party should be at exactly 5:15pm that day. And it was. It was a great day. Madalyn was already running by the time she was one.  Jason was there took off work. Parents aunts uncles no cousins were born yet. We had just come back from the weekend at the beach for July 4th. My paw-paw was there. That was the only one of my children's birthdays he was able to go to. He died before Madalyn turned 2. Before any other children were born. He loved her though. As much as anyone loved another person he loved her. I miss him. 

Collins first birthday we were broke. I mean broke for real broke. But some how we made it and he had a great party. Grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, a few friends. Still no cousins. It was a beautiful day. We had most everything outside. And while we had it again on a Thursday because that was his birthday. We had it later in the day. Since he was born at 338. He had just begun to walk good. 

Aden's first birthday was a busy time. We had Madalyn in school, Jason and I were both working and Aden had some physical therapy once a week. His birthday was on a Friday. We had his party that day but again later that night. Aden took his first steps on the night before his birthday and we showed off for everyone at his party. Still no first cousin but we did have a 2nd cousin that is a few months younger than Aden come over. And of course all the grown ups. He for.A little overwhelmed at his party. We cut it short by a little. He loved opening gifts though. 

Landon turned one on a extremely hot July day. We had a pool party and by now we had 2 cousins to invite. 2 little girls. One older and one younger than him. We decided to have him a cake on his real birthday and ten we had a party that weekend when it was easier for everyone to come. It turned out great. Everyone had a great time. Landon stood in his high chair and smashed his cake all in his hands. 

Haleigh's first birthday was stressful. She could not have any dariy, soy, eggs, or nuts until she was two. That didn't leave a lot of stuff to make a cake from.  I found one though and made it for her. I got everyone else real cake. I had her party at my mothers house on the of her birthday. A Tuesday night. It was the only place and time everyone could get together. And we had 3 cousins there All girls. The youngest just 6 weeks younger than Haleigh. There was another cousin not able to be there who is 9 months younger than Haleigh. Haleigh enjoined smashing her fake cake. And I think she may have eaten some if it even. 

So the girls haven't reached their birthday. Although their due date and scheduled section dates are around the corner. They have been gone 4 months already. But today. Today is Joshua's birthday. I can believe it's been a whole year. Time is not the same. Sometimes I feel like I've been standing still and moving fast all at the same time. 

What am I suppose to do today? I can celebrate. I feel like I am celebrating death. My kids want to sing to him. Maybe I will let them at the cemetery. But I put my foot down at cake with his name on it. I can't do that I just can't. 

Days you don't forget part 2: The day of

Disclaimer - Most everyone who reads my blogs knows I have older living children. Some may not know that I have 5 older living children. This blog post will have stories about them and their births and  first birthdays. As a baby loss mom I know how hard it is to read about children who are the age your child should be. So I wanted to put that out there incase anyone wants to not read this post. That is by the way 100 % ok with me. 

I will never forget the births of my 8 children. 

Madalyn was born on a rainy summer afternoon. Big full term. Healthy. 8pounds 13ounces. 22inches long. I labored for 4 hours before getting the epidural. At hour number 3 I had my first experience ever with Nubane. 4 hours after my epidural she was born. They have her to me straight away. I held her I loved her. And in that moment. The young teen who walked into that hospital became a mother. She's 15 now. 

Collin was born on a cold fall day. after I went to the dr. Talked to her about thinking my iron was low. I was half way to done at the drs office. Next door at the hospital I was given my IV, my dr broke my water after less than an hr and another centimeter. I decided after that to get my epidural. 3 hours later Collin was born. They handed him right to me. I thought he was the smallest baby I had ever seen. He cried and I cried. He was healthy and a beautiful baby. 6pounds 11ounces 20inches long. I remember being in awe of how much he slept. I was now the mother of two children. A Girl and A Boy. He's 12 now. 

Aden was born in the middle of summer for Alabama. It was hot. After not seeing a dr the night before. My OB saw me the next morning. I was in labor and half done. I was scared. I was 33 weeks. I didn't know about preemies yet. I didn't know if 33 weeks was enough. They were enough. My epidural worked after he was born but not before.  I was warned he may not cry at birth but he did. It was loud too. I remember I was sad that they handed him straight to the nicu doctor and not me. But they did let me kiss him quickly before taking him to the nicu. He spent 18 days in the nicu. Born at 4 pounds 14 ounces he came home weighing that exact amount. Loss weight then gained it back right on track. He was so tiny. Nothing fit. I was 21 years old. Mother of 3 children. A Girl and 2 boys. He is 10 now. 

Landon's birth was a shock. It was mid summer. Hot and human. That morning before my dr appointment I had 2 contractions that I had to breath through. At the dr I was put on a monitor. I was contracting every 4 minutes. I was 31 weeks. Went it the hospital expecting to be on bed rest and meds to stop labor. Instead with in 3 hours I had a prolapse cord and emergency c section and a baby that was taken to children's hospital 20 minutes down the road. He had the faintest cry, but he did cry. He weighed 4 pounds 3 ounces. Lost down to 3pounds 2ounces. Came home 58 days later at 7 pounds 3 ounces. The perfect newborn size. No preemie clothes needed. I was 24 when he came home. Mother of 4 children. 1 Girl 3 boys. He is 7 now. 

Haleigh was born on the change if season from fall to winter. It was cold. That morning my nurse was rude. Saying the monitor was not picking up contractions. I could get dressed they were sending me home. I was in a lot of pain. I told her matter of factly that I was not leaving with out seeing my doctor. She left in a huff. My dr came in with my new nurse. I told him I was having contractions I didn't care what that thing said. He checked I was 5 cm. And that ment I would be staying at the hospital. An hour later I was 6. I got my epidural. My water was broken. And Haleigh was born. 5 pounds 2 ounces healthy. 34 weeks, no nicu. 26 years old I left the hospital with my baby. a mother of 5. 2 Girls and 3 boys. She is 5 now. 

The day Joshua was born was Cold. December. Almost Christmas. Everything was lit up all around was decorated. Then there was me, with no hope left. No chance of my baby having a chance of life. Labor stalled, bleeding was heavier, I decided to get an epidural early even though I was not in a lot of pain yet. I didn't want any pain at all. My pastor came to see me. A pastor from a friends church came and prayed with me. I delivered my baby boy that afternoon. The room was so quite. My dr wrapped Joshua in a blue towel and handed him to the nurse who stated to walk out. I said no, and my OB asked if I wanted to hold him. I said yes. The nurse said they normally bathe the babies first, but I wanted him right then and they laid him on my chest. He was so still. Beautiful. His heart was beating. I rubbed his feet and head. I few minutes later the heart beat was gone and Jesus had my baby. The nurse tried to take him and I refused. My OB assured me that they would bring him back but that he needed me to let him go with them. Apparently they had an OR standing by for me. I didn't need it. 10 ounces of pure Angel. 10 inches of pure love. I left that hospital at 30 years old. A mother of 6 children. 2 girls 4 boys. 5 on earth. 1 in heaven. He will be 1 tomorrow. 

Faith Aubree and Hope Amelia were born in the summer. It was actually nice out though. But warm. I went back to the hospital that day because I felt off and some pressure. I went in through the ER. They called L&D and when they realized who I was since I had been their days before they sent me up. The nurses thought I was constapated. I was relived that that was what it was. After that was taken care of though I was in pain. I watched the clock and realized my pain was every 5 minutes. I was alone. I called the nurse told her I knew I was in labor and I was in pain. She went to call the dr. While she was gone baby As Faiths water broke. I knew it was over then and I called my mom and Jason to the hospital.  The on call said he wasn't coming. I was less than 20 weeks. So it was a miscarriage. But he decided to call my OB. My OB was amazing and came to the hospital. Did an ultrasound. Babies were alive but there was no cervix left. A few minutes later Faith was born. 3 whole ounces her sister followed shortly after another 3 ounces. Between their births I was given a shot of pain meds. They didn't work very well. I got another one after Hope was born. They handed me the babies together wraped in a blue cloth. My nurse asked their names. Jason came in. My mom came in. My sister came in. I was told I would need surgery. The girls were so perfect just small. Compleatly fully formed babies. They just needed time to grow. Time my body could give them. I spent 2 more days there. Left still 30 years old. Mom to 8 children. 4 girls. 4 boys. And it will stay that perfectly even number if 8. 4 and 4. They are 4 months old now. 

Days you don't forget part 1 : the day before.

Disclaimer - Most everyone who reads my blogs knows I have older living children. Some may not know that I have 5 older living children. This blog post will have stories about them and their births and  first birthdays. As a baby loss mom I know how hard it is to read about children who are the age your child should be. So I wanted to put that out there incase anyone wants to not read this post. That is by the way 100 % ok with me. 

The Day Before..... 

I remember all the "day before" all my children were born. For Madalyn it was a Tuesday and I had decided I would probably be pregnant forever since I was now 7 days past my due date. I went to bed crampy. She was born at 5:15pm the next day. 

For Collin I slept the whole day. I couldn't help it. I simply could not stay awake. I thought my iron was probably way low. I was having contractions but I had been in and out of labor for a month. I was not going back to the hospital. And since I was 4 weeks until my due date I felt I had a lot of time left. He was born at 3:38pm the next day. 

Aden was a little different. I knew I was in labor. I called the dr they were closed the on call told me I needed to rest with my feet up. Told me that if I came to the hospital he would tell them to give me a sleeping pill and send me home. I would not be monitored or checked. I was only just 33 weeks. I was told I needed to calm myself. I didn't eat. I tried to sleep. I tossed and turned and was in pain. He was born at 4:45pm the next day. 

With Landon I felt great the day before. I was on modified bed rest. I was 31 weeks. I was big but not huge. I would lay and feel him twist all day. There were no signs of labor until the next day. Everything happened really fast with him. He was born the next day at 1:26pm. By C-section. My only section. 

With Haleigh. I spent the night before her birth in the hospital In labor and delivery. I had been there Thursday through Saturday and went back Sunday night. I was In so much pain. Contracting, I was 34 weeks and trying to make it to 36. It didn't happen but she was healthy none the less and born at 2:58pm that Monday afternoon. 

With Joshua I expected the same. Pain the day before. Go in have a baby. Pray I can get 30+ weeks. Pray for no nicu time. I never thought I needed to pray for him to just live. However the day before he was born I did just that. I prayed and prayed. I knew there was a pretty slim chance he would survive. My water had broken the night before. I was on complete bed rest. I couldn't even get up to pee. All I could do was lay there and pray. The next day he was born. Some Say my prayers were unanswered. I say that God simply said no. I don't know why he said no but that was his answer. It's hard to accept, but he has a plan and for whatever reason this was apart of it. And saving Joshua was not. It makes me very sad. 

The day before Faith and Hope was born I was on complete bed rest at home but with bathroom rights this time. That night I had a bad backache and couldn't sleep. I sent Jason to work any way that morning. I regret that because if it he missed their births. I prayed they would make it. They way their brother didn't. I prayed for it to not happen again. It did. Again God said no. Again I don't know why. But they were born that next day. 

So that brings us to today. 12/12/13. A lot of people thought the world would end on 12/12/12. And for me in a way it did. Today a year ago I laid in the bed and prayed and prayed for God to show me what to do. Do I try and hang on for weeks more? Do I take the induction I was offered? Do I go home? Do I stay in the hospital? Even if I made it to viability would he make it with no fluid? I was so scared to make the wrong choice that I made no choice at all until it came to possibly losing my life as well and Johua was still too young to have a chance. I tell you if he would Have been in any way closer to viable I would have let myself get sicker to protect him. To give him that chance at life. But that's not how it went. I laboured and delivered my son knowing he would die. There was nothing I could to about it. 

Tomorrow he will turn one. There are find many ideas for parties now days. With my older ones there was not. It had just started when Haleigh was getting 2-3 years old. But there is not going to be a party. I know some people throw parties for their babies. They ask for money to be donated to a charity in the baby's name instead of gifts. But I tell you I can not not not do that. I can't see the name on a cake he will never smash. I can't sing to a child he will not hear my voice who is no longer here. I can not decorate for him. It's not fair to me or anyone else to pretend it's a happy day. It's not. I've lived a year with out my son and it SUCKS. I will not pretend to have a good day. 

I have however thought about what I would have likes him to have as his first party. And I do believe this is what I would have wanted for him. 

Cute right?!? 

I bet they get read Dr. Seuss in heaven 

Sweet Child of Mine

Questions through tears. .Silence in words.

Death and grief shouldn't be apart of childhood. Except it is. And for my kids it's a big part of their lives. 

They ask some rough questions. 

Where exactly is heaven? 

 Oh sweetness, how I wish heaven was a place on earth. It's simply not. It's above us somewhere but I can't say exactly where. 

Why can't we go visit there? 

 If we could visit heaven I would spend a great deal of time there everyday. We can't visit. Once you go to heaven you can't come back and you can't go until Jesus is ready for you. 

But mama I wanna visit the babies! 

Oh so do I. 

Mama I miss them. 

So do I. 

When Madalyn gets married and has a baby is it going to die too? 

Oh baby I don't think so. Most babies are born and live a long time and grow up. Like you. 

But our babies died. Why? 

I don't know. But Jesus does and when I get to heaven I'm going to ask him. 

Can Santa bring us a baby? 

No honey, Santa can't bring us a baby. 

I really want a baby. 

I know me too. 

I was going to help feed them. 

I know. You were going to help a lot. You are the best. 

I love you mama. 

I love you too Haleigh. 

It brakes my heart that she has to understand These things that I don't even understand. I'm trying but sometimes I wanna scream WHY too. 

Time to celebrate..... What?

Tomorrow is the annual Christmas dinner/party at Jason's work. I don't want to go. I hate going. I don't know anyone. Most everyone who works there are men and so it's a bunch of men talking about work with their wives staring off into space wondering when we can leave.

Last year I took it as a last time to go out before the baby was to be born. I was showing. I sat and talked with another wife for a few minutes about how we were expecting a boy. What if she sees me? What if she remembers I was pregnant? What if she asks? What do I say? "Oh...that yeah...um.... He died a week after last years party then I got pregnant again and had twins....but.... They died too and now... Well .... Now I can't have any more children. But hey Merry Christmas".  I'm sure that will not be awkward at all. 

I wish I could say he's doing fine. Learning to crawl and say mama. I wish I could say he's alive and well. I wish I could say we have to leave early because this is the first time I've left him. 

Things are so much different this year for the party than last year. I wonder if anyone will miss me if I hide in the bathroom all night. I am just reminded how happy I was last year and how sad I am now. 

A year ago

It seems I can recall this time last year clearer than I ever have been. I have had memory lapse since December 11th 2012. I still can't recall most of Christmas or New Years. However doing things this year has triggered some things that happened last year. I'm not sure I am ready for all the memories and feelings that are coming through. But I don't have the ability to stop them either.

Some of the most recent things that have come to light. 

December 1,2012 was a Saturday. We had a party and told our family that we were expecting a boy. It was a very exciting day. 

December 1, 2013 was a Sunday. We put the tree up the night before. All day I thought about how last year we celebrated and this year there is no baby. My son is gone. 

Last year we hadn't put up our tree yet but we had lots of time. We had just gotten back from Disney World and we had started shopping. Not only for Christmas gifts but for baby things. We picked out a whole nursery theme, I won't be able to look at monkeys with out thinking of Joshua. I still love looking at them though. 

This time last year I didn't know the heartache of losing a child. I didn't know that within the next year I would burry not 1 but 3 children. I was blissfully unaware of the horror that waited me and my family. The pain and joy. Yes joy that came with the birth of my babies. The sadness that came with their deaths. I wish I could go back and still be blind to all the sadness and pain. But I can't. I am now awake to all of it. 

Life

I have a lot if mixed feelings on life and death in general. More now than ever before. I do not have dought on where we go, or my Faith. I just have mixed feelings about it. As In life. I believe life starts at conception. Life in its very earliest forms, the division on cells, the start of a beating heart. What I don't understand is why some life ends so early, my children were ment for something great. I believe all children start out with greatness and can grow into adults ment for greatness. But some where along the way some if us get derailed.

I can honestly say if it was not for my already foundation of Faith, my Families Faith, and the love of my pastor and church family, I would hate God. I know it. It would be easy to blam it all on him. Something he "did to me". 

If I didn't have a better understanding of God and the price Jesus paid for me then I would believe that I was being punished for my sins. 

I sometimes wonder if God chose me to be Joshua, Hope and Faiths mother because he knew I would grow closer to him through it. I wonder if it's because he knew someone else would blame him and I would not, that I would understand that it's not something he did to make me hurt. That he didn't take them as payment for my sins. He knew I would not turn from my Faith but grow in it. He knew I was not strong enough to do it on my own. But also had in place the people that would help me through. 

I wish that had not been me though. I still wish I had my babies instead. I know that is selfish. But I am a mother. A mother of eight children. A hidden mother of twins. A mother of babies that never cried. A mother of a teenage girl that worries me grey. A mother of 3 living boys. And a son that plays in heaven with his 2 sisters. A mother of a 5 year old that doesn't understand why her babies died and other people get to keep theirs. A griving mother who would do just about any thing to make the world right and have her babies back. A mother who loves her kids and puts them before herself. 

I am only human and that makes me selfish by nature. So yes if I could wish my children from heaven back to earth I would. If I could go back and do anything in my life different I would hold them a while longer. I'm human. I miss them. 

Thanksgiving Day

The day started out nice. I woke up after sleeping in a bit. I took my time getting the turkey on since we had decided on a later eating time the was no rush to get done. Jason and Madalyn came home from their morning hunt. I took a shower then, Madalyn, Haleigh and I headed to visit the babies at the cemetery. I never thought my Thanksgiving day would include a cemetery visit, but it did. My Grandmother is out there as well. Madalyn walked Haleigh over there after they visited the babies a little. Giving me my much needed alone time with them. I told them how thankful I am to have had them, even if it was such a short sweet time. I of course would change the fact that they died if I could. But if I had to chose the time I had with them or never having known them at all I would chose the time I had with them. Even though it hurts they are my babies and I do not regret them even a little. I do however miss them horribly, I love them whole heartedly, I long to be with them just a minute more.

We stayed about 45 minutes. Left feeling like I had at least felt a little closer to them while I was there. I hated leaving like always. I tried to put on a happy face the rest of the day. I'm sure it didn't work. There was not a minute that I didn't feel someone was missing. I fell asleep on the couch and felt the ache in my arms where my baby should be napping. I felt a pain in my stomach when my 34 weeks pregnant belly should be. 

Friday I shopped and tried not to look at the baby things. The toys for the "baby first Christmas" the newborn outfits to dress like Santa. 

The holiday season will be the same. But I have faith that one day maybe it won't hurt so much. 

Thanksgiving.

I failed at my 30 days of thankfulness. It's not that I don't have 30 things I'm thankful for. I do, but the closer thanksgiving gets the more I think about last year. Happy. Disney. Pregnant. Joshua. Happy. And it makes me sad. He should be here. I should still be pregnant with the girls or making a trip to the nicu at least to see them. Instead I will head to the grave yard and visit all three of them. I have now realized this is forever, and my heart aches. I have to spend the next forever thanksgivings missing my babies and thinking about how life would be different. About how old they should be. About all I wanted to share with them. A life time of holidays not celebrated with them. It sucks so bad. I wish I could skip it. All of it. I hate feeling this way. Is it 2014 yet. 2014 has be be a better year. 2013 was horrible.

The Time Myth

Myth #1 Time heal all wounds 

Truth : No no it doesn't. Time dosent heal the hurt of your baby dying. Time keeps going and nothing stops it. Time for grief is like a bandaid. It covers for a while. Makes you think your ok that the hurt in down deep and not at the top any more. Then the band aid gets ripped off because you realize how much time has past. It's another birthday, Christmas, month, year with out them and the time between when you last held them and now is getting longer. Time dosent heal it hurts. 

Myth #2. In time you will forget. 

Truth :  I don't want to forget. These are my babies I will never ever forget them. They were here, they were alive, they mattered. 

Myth #3 Give your self time and you will get over it. 

Truth : This is not something you get over ever. Time will not help it. You get over losing your house, you get over not getting that watch you wanted, you get over not being approved for that new car. You however do not get over the death of your child. 

Myth #4. Time is your friend. 

Truth : No no it's not. I live in 2 different times now. The before and the after. And sometimes even a 3rd. After it happened again. The time between my babies dying is too short. The time I spent with them was too short. The time they were on earth was too short. The time I have to spend without them it too long. The time I have to wait to touch then again to see their faces is too long. 

Day 24

Today I am thankful for a warm place to rest my head.

Life's complications

I have been on edge all day. Woke up with bad nerves. Nothing happened, just on edge all day. It was obvious that I was at some braking point. Nothing triggered it, just sometimes I have off days. Days where everything I see makes me wanna scream. Days when everyone smiling and being fake happy is too much and I just want to hide away under the covers forever. That was my day today. It's been a while since I had one on the weekend. On the weekdays it's easy to hide. No one is here with me except Haleigh and she doesn't care if I am in my pjs all day and lay on the couch until 2pm. I think she prefers those days sometimes. I so as well.

I know other people hurt and I know other people have lost babies and they hurt like I do. Support groups have proved thay point to me. But when I hear people complain about the bad year they have had. I want to scream "You have no clue what a bad year is" so you lost some income.... My children died. So you are in debt more than ever..... my children died. So you have the flu..... My children died. So you got a divorce..... My children died. 

Yeah yeah I know it's not fair. I shouldn't compare those things I really shouldn't. I have complained about those things before, in years past. Not enough sleep. No time alone. Having the flu. 

I really do understand that whatever you are going through right now is big for you in your life. 

Everything for me just is smaller. I'm not worried about Christmas, it will get done. When Haleigh had surgery my biggest fear was her dying. And as everyone know that's always a risk when anyone ever has surgery. Anyother complication we have been or could be faced with seems small compared to death. 

That's a sad way to think isn't it. 

Hey as long as no one died it's fine. 

Thats however where my brain is today. Your alive stop complaining. 

Day 23

I am thankful for the friends that stopped by today to see Haleigh and dropped off dinner. ❤️

Day 22

I am thankful for the Father my Husband has turned into.

Day 21

I am thankful to have awesome family and friends that called, texted, messaged and come by to check in on us.

Day 20

Still a day behind.

Day 20 

Thankful for safe roads to travel and a car to do it in. 

Day 19

I didn't post day 19 yesterday. My youngest living daughter had a major surgery. So this is a catch up for yesterday and will post today's later.

Day 19- Coffee and the prayers from everyone for Haleigh. 

Day 18

I am thankful for all the men and women who get up and go to school everyday to teach children. Not because they have to but because they want to.

A beautiful disaster

Losing Joshua was and still is the hardest thing I have ever been experienced. It was cruel. Everything was going just as it should. I was having no problems. We had found out it was a boy. We started planning. Picking a name. Everything that we had done after the first 13 weeks with our other children. Things were perfect. We were going to have 6 beautiful children. 4 boys and 2 girl. We had just gotten back from Disney World and we were starting to decorate for Christmas. I don't think there had been a time when we were so happy. It had been a while since everything went right for us. And this was it.  Pregnant and happy with our last child. Then disaster struck. Out of the blue. From no where our whole lives came crushing down on us. My water broke. That one moment realizing that no I was no peeing was the scariest moment of my life. I think I knew that he would not make it at that moment I sat on my bed towel between my legs and cried. I called for Jason and then we headed for the hospital. I was sent to another hospital where my dr was and by morning it was confirmed that my water was broken. I was put on meds and given the option to terminate the pregnancy. I was heart broken. I could not give up on my baby. I wanted to give him life. I never got the chance. The choice to carry him to term and give him a chance was taken when my health was at stake. I had to think of my 5 other children and there mother, I couldn't leave them motherless. I had to deliver my baby boy knowing he would not survive birth. My heart was crushed, there was nothing I could do. I never wanted to let him go. I fell into a deep dark hole and had no intention of climbing out of it ever. I acted a good show in front of people but I was dying inside.

Then there was a light. Then two lights. Twin girls. 

I think from the beginning I tried to guard my heart from loving them. It didn't work. I loved them from the moment the line on the stick showed pink. There is no love like the love a mother has for her children. I didn't believe that I would make it to 13 weeks. I did. After that people told me to not worry. That God wouldn't take 2 more children from us. That having two was Gods way of giving me Joshua back what was taken from me. To believe and it will be. To pray and I will be given two beautiful girls. To think good thoughts and good things will follow. They were all lies. Everyone of them lies.

 It was different though I denied what would happen. I put off going in until the morning after. Didn't wake Jason, because well I could have just peed. I mean I was pregnant with twins after all. 

When my dr told me he was admitting me and it was probably not going to be a good outcome. I simply said ok. I thought to myself. I will not give up. I will fight for these children's lives.  And I did. I was offered a termination again. I have learned that is standard and they must offer it to you when the baby is not yet viable. I said no thank you. I believed I would make it. That my babies would be miracles. But a part of me knew. I stopped looking a twin things I would need. I deleted my wish list. I was mentally preparing for what I knew was to come. But still I laid on bed rest and prayed. It was however not meant to be, I think the week between my water braking and labor helped me process what was about to happen and it softened the blow and with that my beautiful happy life had turned into one disaster after another. 

I didn't know how to comfort my children about their brother and sister dying. I didn't know how to not lay in the couch and cry. I didn't know how to live any more. I didn't want to kill myself, but I wished to die. To stop hurting. To stop being so angry. To have happiness back. To really laugh. To stop crying. To be the kind of mother I once was. 

I believe my girls helped me heal. As crazy as that seems I know I did not truly begin to heal from Joshua's death until I lost the girls too. It's terrible to say. I know. I am greatful though. I may have never gotten the help I needed for my depression if I had not lost the girls. It makes me sad that I had to lose them to heal. 

I loved all three of them so deeply. As deep as for my living children. I love to talk about all three of them. I miss them and speak their names often. 

There is a hole in my heart in my life that will never be filled, but at least now I can sit and look at their pictures and smile at the memories of the few hours I got to hold them in this life. I smile at the memories of them kicking inside me of them rolling around on the ultrasounds. I have very few memories with them, but all of them are good ones. I wish I had more. I wish I was given more time in this life with them. But I know the years I spend without them will be shorter than the eternity I will spend with them.