The understanding of Children.

When I found out I was pregnant again, I didn't want to tell my children. They were heart broken when Joshua died and I didn't want to put them through it again. So we waited. My oldest daughter Madalyn found my ultrasound pictures not long after I found out there were two. I was 8 weeks. We told family at 10 and the rest of the kids at 13 weeks. We told them because they asked and I didn't want to lie to them. They were so excited. We also told them we were pretty sure they were girls. The boys didn't say much. They asked some questions. But Haleigh our youngest was so excited. She wanted those baby girls. She came up with a plan. I was going to feed one she was going to feed one, Madalyn would rock them to sleep and daddy would change all the diapers. She asked me to please not get the babies out until they were big enough to come home with us. She asked me to please not let them go to heaven. She's asked why a lot in the past few weeks. My answer is I don't know but that when we get to heaven we can ask Jesus.

Last night we went to a football game where my oldest son plays in the band. You would have thought it was baby night. There were babies everywhere. Haleigh asked me why other people got to have babies and outs had to go to heaven. I told her I don't know. She said she was sad. I told her it is ok to be sad. And to cry. She then asked who was feeding them and changing their diapers. I told her that her Grammy and Paw Paws were that are in heaven. She then asked if when we get to heaven if we can still feed them, and play with them, "because mommy I just want to play with my baby sisters and Joshua too" oh that made my heart hurt for her. She's only 4, she just wants her babies. The ones she was expecting to be born and come home. She's sad we will never have a baby at our house for her to feed and play with. I told her I was sorry and that I sad too. She told me that I will get to rock them in heaven. Just incase your wondering yes we were at the high school football game at the time, I'm sure people thought I was crazy sitting there with my child's head on my shoulder both of us whispering and crying. I wish we would have been anywhere else at that moment. But that's where she realized that other people had babies and  ours are in heaven and that that's not fair. 

I know she doesn't understand everything exactly. I hope one day she does. I hope my kids aren't scared to have their own children. I hope my daughters can and will enjoy their pregnancies without fear. I hope my sons will enjoy their wives being pregnant as much as their dad did.  

Survival

That"s kind of what this feels like, I'm just trying to survive.

Did you know you can pass out from pain? Did you know you can be in so much pain that you stop feeling it? Well both are true. I don't deal well with physical pain. I am a wimp actually. I have cried over a twisted ankle and swore it was broken. Physically Faith and Hope's delivery was the most painful. No time for any pain medicine, my nurse was actually out of the room getting me a shot of pain medicine when Faith was born, she was pushing in the shot when Hope was born. It was a really quick delivery, but with out any relief from the pain and knowing after Faith was born that I wasn't done made the physical pain worse. They were my only completely drug free delivery. I don't recommend that doe anyone who is as a wimp as I am about pain, but I can say I survived. I didn't pass out, I didn't die, and I didn't stop feeling the pain.

Now that the physical pain (for the most part) is gone, the pain is emotional. I miss my kids, I want them with me. I long to hold them. And I never will again, not in this world. Sometimes it feels like physical pain, when my heart hurts and has my heart in knots, my chest aches. But, I know it heartache. Being that I can't control when I start feeling this way makes me nervous about going out, somethings trigger feelings, seeing newborns, hearing them cry, and seeing hugely pregnant women none of that is good for me. I feel like I'm just surviving right now. Not really living or participating in life at all, but going through the motions to be alive and vaguely being here for the people that are around me. Just Surviving day to day life and its exhausting. When Joshua was born there were days that I didn't think I would survive the pain I was in. The pain was so intense and started on day 1, that sometimes I thought, I would not live through it, it was impossible. When the girls were born, I think I went into complete shock, I had cried a lot, I was sad, but the intense pain that I felt with Joshua wasn't there. Instead I was angry. Angry at everyone, for everything. That Anger has lifted some, but it has been replaced with that deep intense sadness that I had those first few weeks with Joshua. The anger came later with him. Things remind me of my girls everyday. I look at their pictures. I ordered a photo book that will be here next week, on just my babies with wings. I try to remember that they were no bigger than my hand, I try to forget how silent it was in the room when they were born. I try to remember how perfect their feet and fingers were, I try to forget that those fingers will never wrap around mine and that I will never hear those feet running down the hall. So much I never want to forget, and so much I try to never think about. Its all apart of survival.

Surviving the unthinkable twice in less than a year. I've herd some people think I'm strong.... I'm not. I have no choice but to survive this. I am a mother and while three of my children didn't make it into this world alive, 5 of them did, I survive for them. They need me that need is stronger than my pain.

Sleep

I am either awake and can't sleep, or so tired that I can't stay awake. There is no in-between. I recently realized that the sleep medicine Unisom and the allergy medicine Benadryl are the same. Its also the same as the Medicine I was given when I was pregnant mixed with Vitamin B helps with morning/ all day sickness. So instead of buying 50mg tablets of Unisom, I took 3 10mg of morning sickness medicine. It took about 45 minutes to start working, but it did make me sleep..... and sleep..... and sleep. I was later getting the kids up for school and after they left I took a nap until Haleigh woke up. I am still so sleepy, this is worse than if I had not gotten any sleep. I use to take 2 pills every night before bed when I was pregnant with Faith and Hope, and it didn't make me super tired, just made me feel better. So I got 30mg of the active medicine n sleep aids, can you imagine what I would be feeling like if I had bought the 50mg tablets? I would probably still be sleeping..... and sleeping. They also still allowed me to dream... I hate dreaming. I either dream happy dreams that all 3 of my babies are alive and home with me... and I wake up only to realize that not even one of them is and my heart is crushed all over again. Or I will dream of the day I had them, sometimes its exactly as it was that day, sometimes its different, harder for some reason. In those dreams I am hurting in my dreams, my heart hurts when I wake up and sometimes when I wake up from these dreams I'm already crying. So I'd rather not dream at all. The only time I get Dreamless sleep is when I take the medicine the doctor gave me to sleep. Xanax, I was told not to take it every night though. But that 2-3 times a week is ok. I know why not every night. Its a highly addictive drug and I dont want to become dependent on it. In a way I already am dependent on drugs.... not big bad crack or anything, but I can not sleep without some kind of help so I am dependent on a sleep aid of some kind to sleep, that's dependency. Maybe one day I wont need it, and my dreams won't be filled with the worse days of my life. but for now they are. And for now I need the sleep to function, I cant be this tired everyday, I do have children who need me to function during the day after sleeping.

For Kimberly and Baby Aaron

  These 20 diapers are going to Massena,NY

in memory Of Aaron Judah Fowler, who grew his angel wings on 4/11/09. At 20w2d that was the day before Easter.  His mother Kimberly has been a great help to me with my own grief. 

Third Day Grace

Third Day Grace

Cry out to Jesus....

To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith in love
They've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough

For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
And your suffering

When your lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus

To the widow who suffers from being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight

Sad

I'm just incredibly sad.

I hate grief. Do you know that some people think there are stages and steps to grief and once you go through them all your done? That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Yes there are stages, but you don't go through them one by one. And you are never "done". 

I have been pissed off since my water started leaking. Pissed at myself, because my cervix sucks, at my doctor, because there should have been more he could do, so really the medical community as a whole, at the hospital, simply because I was there and instead of a Happy Birthday sign on my door I got another leaf with a tear drop, at my husband for not spending more time with me at the hospital, but I know he was needed more at home comforting our broken hearted children. The list just goes on and on. Anger is a stage of grief I've been in before. It came first this time. It came later when Joshua was born. I am less angry now. The past few days I have been able to tell I've been less angry. But, my anger has been replaced quickly with sadness. The shock of losing the girls is gone, and my heart hurts. It's the little things, really. My milk is almost dried up (yes even that early your body makes milk), there were no babies to feed. My maternity clothes I have either thrown out or given away, there will be no belly to fill them. I missed 2 high risk pre scheduled appointments, they have sent me reminder cards to reschedule... There are no babies to check on anymore. Instead of being angry about these things I'm now just sad about them. Being angry was so much easier. You don't want to cry when your angry you want to scream. Screaming is quick and easy and then you feel better. Crying is long and hard and leaves you with puffy eyes and a headache. I would have much rather stayed angry than moved into sadness, loneliness is apart of sadness by the way. Loneliness is the feeling of missing my children. Of my arms aching to hold them. It doesn't mean I am actually alone, it doesn't mean I need to be around people, that won't help. Sometimes I can be in a room full of people and still feel completely alone.  

A Pome

This was not written by me..... I found it online and there was no author named. and no tittle either.



  I thought of you and closed my eyes 
And prayed to God today 
I asked “What makes a Mother?” 
And I know I heard Him say.

“A Mother has a baby” 
This we know is true 
“But God can you be a Mother, 
When your baby’s not with you?”

“Yes, you can,” He replied 
With confidence in His voice 
“I give many women babies, 
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime, 
And others for the day. 
And some I send to feel your womb, 
But there’s no need to stay.”

“I just don’t understand this God 
I want my baby to be here.” 
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat, 
And then I saw the tear.

“I wish I could show you, 
What your child is doing today. 
If you could see your child’s smile, 
With all the other children and say…

‘We go to Earth to learn our lessons, 
Of love and life and fear. 
My Mommy loved me oh so much, 
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom, 
Who had so much love for me. 
I learned my lessons very quickly, 
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much, 
But I visit her every day. 
When she goes to sleep, 
On her pillow’s where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, 
And whisper in her ear. 
Mommy don’t be sad today, 
I’m your baby and I’m here.’

“So you see my dear sweet ones, 
your children are okay. 
Your babies are born here in My home, 
And this is where they’ll stay.

They’ll wait for you with Me, 
Until your lesson’s through. 
And on the day that you come home 
they’ll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother, 
It’s the feeling in your heart 
it’s the love you had so much of 
Right from the very start

Though some on earth may not realize, 
you are a Mother. 
Until their time is done. 
They’ll be up here with Me one day 
and know that you are the best one!”

Decisions.....

Jason and I have completely decided we will not be having any more biological children. The way that sounds you may be thinking.... Are you going to adopt? The answer to that question is no. So why do I say we will not have any more biological children? Why cant I simply say we wont have more children? Because I do not know what God has in store for us. If I was presented with a child that would not have anyone, but me, I would take that child and they would be mine, just as much as the 5 children who live with me are mine. Jason and I have always been open to life, and that has not changed. What has changed is our openness to death. We are no longer open to death. I understand death is in the cycle of life, however death before life is not in that cycle. Jason, my living children, and I have had enough death before life, we are done with that. I am not willing to knowingly put us through that again. We have made this decision with our heads, not our hearts. Our hearts are broken and we want to fix them, but being pregnant again and having that child die is not the answer to a broken heart. If the problem wasn't my body, and it was safe for me and the child, we would consider trying again. But the facts are that I have physically hit my limit. I needed more care than I should have after the Girls were born. My cervix cant hold a baby that weigh's more than 8-10 ounces, my cervix is really thin. They are sure it would hold a stitch. Of course with God all things are possible, but I believe this is it for us. I thank God, I got to feel Joshua move and carry him 19 weeks, before my body gave out on him. I am thankful that I was able to feel the girls flutter around, and that I was given the chance to have a 3D scan of them, and carry them 17 weeks before my body gave up and I delivered them. I cant force another child into the world just to pass a way before they are ready to breath. I just don't have that in me. We have set the date, I will be having a tubal on September 23rd. Less than a month from now. This is the choice that is right for our family. 8 is a great number of children to have 4 beautiful girls, and 4 wonderful boys. I love them all with all of my heart and one day we will all be together, we will all have eternity to be a family of 10, but for now we will be a family of 7 here on earth.

Change

That word scares most people. Change. I have been through a lot of different changes in my life. Going from a child to a mother, learning to be a wife, learning how to be a grown up instead of a child. All of it changes you, we all change everyday. I however have changed in ways I never thought I would. I am simply not the same person I was 9 months ago.

Joshua's birth triggered a different person in me. One that was more controlling, there was no control in what happened with him. It was all so fast I didn't have time to process anything that was happening until it had already happened. I was in such a shock that my baby had died that the world had seemed to stop, when the fog lifted I felt left behind on so much. Christmas had past, I don't ever remember what Santa brought last year. We spent New Years with my Sister in Law, I don't remember what we did there. My nieces Had birthdays in January, February, and March. I remember the one in March, the other two I don't. We had Valentines Day, we had Mardi Gras. We went to church, Haleigh had surgery, My kids were playing sports and going to school. All these things happened and I remember very little of any of it. I think sometimes.... Where was I. And then I remember I was in a fog of daily life. Going through the motions, trying to be there for everyone else, and failing. I controlled what I could. Cleaning, cooking, where my kids were, when they could do things. What I really wanted was to go back and control what had happened, to understand it a little better.

When I found out we were having twins 5 months after Joshua died, I felt somewhat in Control. I felt that this was my chance to make thing right, to restore who I once was, to have happiness fill in some of the sadness. Although Joshua would always be my angel, I was prepared to have a rainbow, to have the clouds lift away and focus on a little bit of happiness for a while. And for a while we did. I got to enjoy being pregnant with twins for a few weeks, even though I was scared for me and for them. I just couldn't believe anything as bad as what happened with Joshua would happen again to the same person. That would be like lightening striking the same place twice right? I was thinking the worse thing that was going to happen in that pregnancy would be having them 12 or more weeks early. I never thought they would die too. I never let that thought enter my mind for more than a minute or two, and then it was only when the kids asked "mommy, are the twins going to die too." I told them the truth, that we would do everything to try and not let that happen, but that was up to God, and the plan he has for our lives, it is not really up to me, but we were hoping and praying that we would be bringing two babies home before Christmas.
Why did I not listen to my own warnings, that we were not sure.  I guarded my children's hearts as much as I could, but I left mine open. I loved my girls from the first little flickers of their hearts beating, even before I knew there were two, I loved them both.

There birth has changed me, I don't have much control over things in my life right now, things are much different than they were when Joshua was born. But, I'm angry, pissed off at most of the world at the moment actually. I will never be the person I was 9 months ago, I will never be the person I became after Joshua, I will never be the person I was a month ago. That person is not here any more. At the moment I'm not sure who I am, I know I am an angry, bitter person right now. I know that wont last forever, those are my feelings though and I will own them. I will not pretend I am the same, I will not pretend I am not angry.

Some people in my life don't understand and honestly, unless you've buried your baby, you just don't understand, and I am glad that you don't, I wish no one understood, this is not a club you want to be apart of.

I have a right to feel how I feel, I have a right to be angry, to be moody. I think sometimes people forget, I was pregnant, I had twins 2 weeks ago. Its not that I want to be home all day, its that physically, I cant be out half the night friday night and then feel like being out all day saturday too. If I had given birth to live children, two weeks ago no one would expect me to be doing half the stuff I am doing now. Going to Football games, going to Wal-Mart, going to Church. Getting out of the house for a little while is not a problem, but expecting me to be able to do everything I did before, just 2 weeks after giving birth to twins and then having surgery the next day is a little over board. I wish people would just understand that. My hormones are everywhere, just like anyone else who just had a baby. My babies died, my emotions are everywhere. When someone loses their Husband/Wife, their Mom or Dad, we don't push them to go out and "get over it" so why do people expect me to be ok? Why do people expect me to "get on with my life"? I want to scream "Its only been 2 weeks"

Things will never be the same, but it doesn't mean they have to be bad. Yes right now is bad. I can't see the good in any of this right now. I don't think any mother can see the good in having 3 children die in 8 months. Where is the good in that? I do know that things will keep changing. I will keep changing. I know I won't always be so angry, I know I will always be sad. I know I won't alway hurt so much, I know I will always miss them and think of them everyday. I know that there will be more good days than bad days one day, I know that for now there are no good days. I know that one day it will not hurt so much to leave the house, I know that right now it hurts too much to go out everyday physically, mentally, emotionally its draining.

I don't know exactly who I am going to be in a month or a year from now, I don't know that person yet. I do know that, that person is not who I am now, and is not who I was last year. I know that I will not let what has happened to me control me. I know that I will be stronger.

I dont believe in the "other side of grief". You know the saying. "you will come out the other side of this a better person"? Well I don't think there is another side to losing your child. I believe it take you whole life and it changes as you go, and you get stronger and your able to handle things better as time goes on. Things get different, but the thoughts and the love of the children that grew wings before they grew lungs will always be there. The grief gets different and easier to deal with as time passes, but it never goes away.

2 weeks and Church

It's been 2 weeks today since I delivered Faith and Hope. I'm not sure if time is moving really slow or really fast. So much has happened in these 2 weeks. School started, Football, Softball, Band, Haleigh's Fills, the girls service. So much has changed in just 2 weeks, that it feels like such a much longer time that I was in the hospital with them. Then again I feel like I had them in my arms yesterday. I can see their sweet faces, smell their sweet baby smell, hold their little hands, and kiss their perfect heads. So is two weeks a short time or a long time ago? I really don't know.

I went to church today. I of course didn't go the day I delivered the girls. I went to the hospital while most everyone else was at church. I didn't go last week. Jason and I sat at home and watched tv. I can't even tell you what we watched because I just sat there. I went today, because my little children asked me to go. I'm not sure I was ready, but I held it together for the most part. I did have some cramps around the end of the service and my back started hurting, but I think it was a good day at church. We then came home to cook deer burgers.

I took a much needed nap today. No sleeping pills needed. I didn't sleeping last night though and it looks like tonight is going to be much of the same. 

I'm thinking of going to a support group meeting tomorrow night. I think about going and I cry so I may not exactly get out of the car and go in. But I'm going to try. I think. 

Days of the weeks

Monday- I don't like Mondays. My water with hope started to leak on Monday night August 5th.

Tuesday- I don't like Tuesdays. My water with Joshua broke on Tuesday night December 11th. It was confirmed my water was leaking with Hope and I was dilated some on Tuesday morning August 6th. We had Joshua's service on Tuesday December 18th. I came home with empty arms after having Faith and Hope on Tuesday August 13th. 

Wednesday- I don't like Wednesdays. I was given no hope for Joshua on Wednesday December 12th. I was given slim changes for Hope on Wednesday August 7th. We Had Hope and Faiths service on Wednesday August 14th. 

Thursday- I don't like Thursdays. I had Joshua on Thursday December 13th. 

Friday- I don't like Fridays. I came home with empty arms with out Joshua on Friday December 14th. I left the hospital still pregnant wit the Faith and Hope on Friday August 9th. 

Saturday- hmmm...... Saturday seems ok

Sunday- I don't like Sundays. Faiths water broke and I had Faith and Hope on Sunday August 11th. 

So can every day be Saturday?? And can we skip all Tuesdays. Tuesdays really suck!!

Baby Books

All of my children have baby books. They are all filled out. I know people who filled out the first kids baby book and then less with their second and if they have a third they may not even have a book for them. I on the other hand have always enjoyed keeping their books up to date and making each book special for just that child.

They make one for babies who are born still or die at birth or shortly after. Its called Footprints. I have one for Joshua that is all filled out. I just ordered 2 for the girls. I had decided before they were born that their books would not be the same, they would be just as different as my other children'd books. Because even though they were to be identical they were still two people. Now their books will be the exact same book and will be the exact book that Joshua has. The Book while I am completely greatful for is a little thin. I would love to have a place to write how I feel at 1,3,6,9,12 months after they were born a place to write on their would be birthdays on their would be first day of school. I know not every parent would want that in there and may think its too hard to think about all those special would be days, but for me it would be awesome to have all of that included in there. Instead its just a place to record all the birth information, and their resting place. They are I believe 15 pages and only cost 8$ each on Amazon.

I can tell you that when I bought Joshua's book in January I never imagined I would in 8 months need two more books. I wish I didn't need them. I wish I could still get two book that are bigger thicker, different from each other, meant for live babies, but I don't get that. I get 2 small books that will take 30 minutes each to fill out completely. They will be tucked away in Faith and Hope's memory boxes and stored away just as joshua's is. I dont keep them far from me, easy to get to incase i need to Cradle their blankets and smell their sweetness.

Small Things

Some of the smallest things mean the most sometimes. I've never been a flower/plant type of person. Most of the Plants I've ever taken care of have died. Except a few ferns that I kept alive for my mother in law, and the plant I got when Joshua was buried. Its a peace lily, Its still alive 8 months later. I also got some cut flowers and of course there is no way to keep those alive longer than 2 weeks, but I found I like having them around, so I had kept flowers on my table for months after Joshua was born. When we moved I slowly stopped buying them and then I was pregnant and sick with the girls and I put the vase away.

After the girls were born I received more flowers and I got the vase back out. There have been flowers on my table since the day I came home from the hospital. The little purple daises, are still looking good. The roses however need to be thrown out and replaced. It's been a week a 2 days since we got those at the service. I hope to get some more today. There is just something refreshing about live flowers on the table. Not something I felt before I had babies with wings.

I also take flowers to the grave. We went out the other day, Just to check on them. Its rains everyday here. I was glad to have their service in the morning time because about 2pm everyday, the bottom falls from the sky and it floods everything. So the service was at 10am, not really hot yet, but the sun was still out. Later that day, in true Gulf Coast fashion it stormed for hours.
When we visited the other day the canopy was still over the grave site. my best guess as to why is because its been so wet, and they wanted to give the dirt time to set before a bunch of rain pounded down on it. All of them are in one plot Joshua it at the top in the middle, the girls are directly below him at his feet. Joshua's sod wasn't moved when we buried the girls but we will have to add more to it. There will be 2 head stones on one slab. Joshua's headstone is now in and I'm not sure if they will lay his before we get the girls or not. It will be a little while, them things are so small yet so expensive.

Pictures

I love looking at pictures of my children, Including my Babies with wings. I have about 100 pictures of Joshua, that may seem like a lot, but a lot of them are of him being help by others and your can't see much except blanket, but i love them, because I know he's in that blanket. I have about 30 pictures of him that you can see his face and about 10 of those are of him alone. I knew when the girls were born I would want a lot of pictures of them by themselves as well as together, but of their faces and bodies. I have about 150 pictures of them about 100 are of their faces, and about 5 have me in them. I wish I would have been a little stronger and gotten more pictures of me with them. I didn't think about it until I had said goodbye and knew that was it. I was looking through the pictures and realized there was not many with me. I had taken a ton of the girls, just very few with me. I told my mom and Jason I wanted more. I was going to ask for the girls back, I could have at any time. I was too scared and changed my mind. It was so hard to let the nurse walk way with them knowing that was the last time I would hold them. I cried for a long time, I couldn't do it again. I could not ask for them again and then have them taken from me again. So I didn't and i wish I had. I have so many of Joshua and myself. But the few I have with the girls are great shots and I love them.

As I said before, we didn't call NILMDTS this times. It took a really long time to get the pictures of joshua and i worried about them being lost or me never getting them, and then they were not at all what i expected, so we decided to do all the pictures ourselves. I love the way they have turned out. I would volunteer to do that for others, but I would just sit and cry for them and thats not the way its suppose to go.

Yesterday in my email I got an offer from Shutterfly. Thats a website to upload pictures to, and they print and make photo books. The offer was for a free book, 8x8 20 pages. I was so excited, I put it together of all 3 of my Babies with wings, this morning. All I have to pay is 7.99 shipping. ordering it tonight since Jason has my Card in his truck. I also got 50 free prints for joining. I will probably make them of all 8 kids. I have lots of pictures of all the kids not very many prints though. I will probably take some new ones before I print them. I had heard of Shutterfly before, but I am real great full for their gift at the moment. I was really excited to have a gifts for the babies, and buy them things. Of course that didn't and won't happen, so this is as close as I get to welcome babies gifts.

Complete and Normal

That's what the report from the doctor's office says. The Girls were complete and normal, they confirmed they were girls, we of course knew that, but they run that test anyway they ran it with Joshua as well. His test were also normal. So Jason and I made 8 beautiful babies. All complete and all normal 4 boys Collin, Aden, Landon and Joshua and 4 girls Madalyn, Haleigh, Faith and Hope. Five of them we get to see grow and teach them about the world about God and about their brother and sisters in heaven. Three of them have wings and watch over us as we sleep. They keep their sisters and brothers on earth, and play together in heavens playground. They don't miss us as we miss them, they do not know the pain of this world, they are perfect and are rocked each night in the arms of Jesus.

My next appointment is September 20th. need to check on my blood count and reevaluate my mental status and see if I need any more sleeping pills. Speaking of sleeping pills, I slept last night better than I have in 8 and a half months. I wish I would have asked for them sooner. I didn't feel drugged this morning the way some over the counter drugs leave me feeling the next morning. I just felt relaxed and rested. I needed to feel rested after a day like yesterday and getting the news of the girls being normal today. I dont think i will need them every night to sleep, but after not sleeping for a week, and not sleeping well for 8 months, it was very needed last night and it maybe needed other times as well, but tonight i will try without them.

Follow-up Appointment

I guess my appointment went well, it didn't go bad, I just had problems speaking. It was the same when I went with Joshua. My OBGYN is really caring. He asked how i was feeling and before i could answer he followed with "Physically". My answer "eh....." then "tired" I'm tired all the time. I'm just tired. He asked if i was sleeping but not able to wake up or if I'm just not sleeping. I am just not sleeping. I'm tired, I go to bed, i want to sleep really bad, but i cant. I just lay there. I am not sure when I actually fall asleep. Somewhere between 2am and 4am, is my guess. I'm up at 6 with the kids to get them ready for school. I am then unable to fall back to sleep until the next night/morning. So he gave me some pills to help me sleep, but he told me "take 1, not the bottle, just one" I looked right at him and bluntly said "im not going to try to kill myself" he said "i believe you" but i really think it ran through his mind for a minute. He asked if I felt ok emotionally, or if i felt like I needed any medicines for that. I told him I was feeling ok with that at the moment, but that I was looking into going to a support group. He feels a support group would be a great idea, and asked if i knew where the one for babies was. I have already looked it up. If i want meds just call him and he will call me in something. He looked at the knot in my arm and said it was my vain healing, as long as it doesn't grow larger its ok. I need to keep taking my iron until the packs are gone so another month. Keep taking my Aspirin, its not going to hurt anything. I can stop my antibiotics, but I only have one pill left so I will take that. I can start to return to my normal activity levels, and a walk around the block would probably help me clear out some of my feelings. Walking/running can help process grief, so he thinks its a great thing. I just have to take it easy and not over do it. Give myself time to heal more physically, and I will heal faster.

We talked about birth control and what if anything I wanted to do after my depo wears off in 11 weeks. He made sure not to make one thing sound better than the other. The most effective forms are the Copper IUD, Depo shots, and a Tubal. I asked him again "in your medical opinion, would I ever be able to carry a child full term?" his answer "No" ok then "in your opinion, how close would i get?" "Not out of the 2nd trimester" Meaning 28 weeks "Yes" of course that is his opinion and other doctors may have a different opinion. Something new could come out and "fix" my cervix, but the reality is that I trust my OBGYN, he gave me his Medical opinion that I asked for. He gave me options on birth control, left it completely up to me and told me he would support me through another pregnancy if thats what i wanted or he would tie my tubes, give me an IUD, or Shots. Whatever I wanted to do he would support me in my choice. I'm getting my tubes tied. I just cant loose another child. I Have 8 children 4 girls and 4 boys. I can't burry another child, I just can't. I dont know if im doing the right thing or not and I know a tubal will not stop God. If we are meant to raise another child we will. If I'm suppose to give birth again I will. If I'm suppose to give a child a home who doesn't have one I will, and having this surgery will not change that.

I had testing done on Joshua and myself when Joshua was born. his test took 3 days to come back. all test were perfectly normal. The same testing we had on the girls have taken over a week. My doctor said that abnormal test sometimes take longer, because they run additional test if anything comes up. it doesn't mean the test are abnormal, it means that my doctor expects them to be abnormal. Faith and Hope looked completely normal to me, I didn't see any defect in them, but i know some dont show. I do want to know though. It will be useful when my children have childen.

So that's it, I will go back in about a month, for an official pre-op. Because honestly my dr wants to be sure I'm sure. I had to make him talk to me about it today, he at first said "lets talk about that in a month" but i wanted to talk today, so we did. And im glad we did. gives me more time to go through all the information myself, before we do anything.

Check-up

I have a check up today. In 2 hrs actually, I'm a little nervous. We had the same testing on the girls that we had on Joshua and I should get the results today. With Joshua it took 3 days. I haven't called to get them this time I decided to just wait until my appointment it's been a week since I was discharged from the hospital so I'm expecting those results. I'm also expecting to be released to drive, and do more than light house work. I want to start walking and working up to a run. I want to be running with in the next 6 months. I also will probably get a blood count since I lost a lot of blood last week and have been taking extra iron. My Antibiotic is almost gone and I only needed one pain pill yesterday. So I think my physical healing is going well. I'm not sure what else he will want to talk to me about. But I hope it goes quickly.

Moved from "after the storm" blog

FRIDAY, AUGUST 16, 2013

Today's paper

Sigh..... 

Moved from "after the storm" blog

THURSDAY, AUGUST 15, 2013

Anger

Ugh.... I'm tired of grieving. I've been in one stage or another for 8 months and I'm angry again. I don't want to deal with any more grief,  going backwards. I was moving forward and now I'm back to the beginning. There is nothing I can do about any of this. I hate it. 

I'm pissed off. I'm mad that there is not more studies and research for pPROM and pregnancies after pPROM loss. I'm pissed that the drs took a wait and see with me. I'm mad that because I was pregnant with twins there was less they would do for me. I'm disappointed that I was punished for having two babies instead of one. I'm mad at my body and I hate my stupid cervix. I'm mad that I have 3 babies that I couldn't hold onto long enough to have them be born and live. I had 1 job and I failed!  

Moved from "after the storm" blog

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 14, 2013

Our babies service.

We laid our babies to rest today in the same plot with their brother. I can't believe I have laid 3 children to rest in 8 months. My heart is broken and I'm not sure it will ever heal. The pain I feel is intense and greater than I have ever felt. I was starting to handle my grief from losing Joshua and my girls were helping me heal, even though they would never have replaced Joshua. And now well now  I'm starting all over the fresh wounds from the birth of my girls have ripped the wounds that were healing open again. I have wholes in my heart that will never be filled. I have to find a way to live without them, without my 3 children here with me.   

Moved from "after the storm" blog.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 13, 2013

Faith And Hope

This blog was started as a new beginning  to be about Faith and Hope and so it is. 

I know some of you who are coming to read this had no idea I was expecting. We as a family made the choice not to make the pregnancy public on Facebook and only told the people who are in our lives everyday. The post written before this one explains what was going on with my pregnancy. 

Sunday 08-11-13

I woke up and my children were getting ready to go to church with my sister. My mom and dad came to help get them there and I just felt off, but nothing had felt completely right since I had started leaking almost a week ago. I went to the bathroom and just felt different. And little cramps so I decided to go get checked out. My biggest fear in leaving the hospital was delivering the babies at home, so my mom and Madalyn took me back to the hospital. I was scared they would be seeing me in the ER since I was only 17.2 weeks. I called my dr on the way to the hospital but I got there faster than they called back. Luckily since I had just left L&D less than 48 hrs earlier the charge nurse in L&D had me sent up there. 

Once there the nurse said things were the same with the babies as when I left on Friday. But thought I was probably constipated and the on call dr wanted to try a suppository, because I was not allowed to push at all. I was relived that the babies were ok so we went on to wait. An hour later the suppository worked, and my mom left to take Madalyn home. I had texted Jason and told him all was ok, then everything changed. 

It came on pretty quickly. I started having intense cramps and feeling pressure. I looked at the clocked and realized my cramps were exactly 5mins apart. I called my nurse and told her I knew I was in labor and having contractions. I texted Jason a simple "I'm in labor". My nurse called my dr and the on call decided that my OB should be called 20 mins later I had my IV and some much needed pain meds. Dr.C came in and grabbed the ultrasound to see where the babies were. Both babies had heartbeats. Baby A Faith was sitting feet first in the birth canal. While he was doing the scan her water broke and I had no choice but To push the urge was overwhelming. Of course her being so little she was able to be born feet first with no problem. Dr.C moved quickly to see if he could feel enough cervix to save Baby B Hope. Instead he just told me how sorry he was but that I was completely dilated and she was going to be born as well. I expected that once Faith was born that Hope would follow since it was her water that had been leaking for a week. I pushed once and she was also born. They both passed into the arms of Jesus in the same moment they were born. They were wrapped in a single small blanket and given to me. They were so incredibly small. I expected them to be about the size Joshua was and even though Dr.C said they were much smaller I didn't expect them to be that small. I loved them intensely and cried for the future they would never have. I held them for about 5 minutes before Jason came in the room. Apparently he had gotten there in the middle of delivery and I said no when they asked if he could come back. I honestly don't remember that part, but I know when I was holding them they asked and I said yes, he was there moments after. I let the nurse take the babies after about 10 minutes because I was having some complications in delivering the placenta. They worked on me for about 45 minutes, and decided to do an ultrasound the next morning to see if I needed surgery. But they had gotten my bleeding under control. But I was still to be on bed rest. By that time my mom and sister were there and they gave me some more pain meds and let them hold the babies. A little while later my night nurse the same one I had with Joshua came back to get the girls and take pictures of them and wrap them in the blankets my mom had made. I was asked if I wanted them to have the diapers I had made and donated but even the small ones were too big for them as the only weighed 3&3/4 ounces each. I said no because I have diapers made already at home already to send to heaven with them. I spent most of the night with them. Taking pictures of them, we decided to not call Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep this time as I felt I could do the pictures myself, something I was not prepared to do with Joshua. I was in a lot of pain around around 1am so I asked the nurse to take the girls and I got some sleep. 

Monday 08-12-13

I slept in a drug induced state most the night, woke only to be given more meds. I woke early and asked for the girls and took more picture. I wanted to be sure to never forget home small and perfect they were. I spent a final 3 hours with saying goodbye, memorizing their faces, fingers, and toes. I gave them to the nurse who was so sweet with her kind words and loving hugs. I was then taken to ultrasound, the scan showed retaining placenta so I would need to have surgery around noon. Everyone took really good care of me, my surgery went well however I lost a lot of blood and woke up in a panic and was given meds to calm down, I slept until 6pm. I was finally able to eat when I woke up. I had to spend the night again in the hospital, and was released with 2 white memory boxes for the girls and pictures the nurse had taken the day they were born. 

We have decided to lay them to rest with Joshua at Forrest Lawn. The 3 of them are together in Heaven awaiting the day when we can all be together again when Jesus takes us all home.