The understanding of Children.

When I found out I was pregnant again, I didn't want to tell my children. They were heart broken when Joshua died and I didn't want to put them through it again. So we waited. My oldest daughter Madalyn found my ultrasound pictures not long after I found out there were two. I was 8 weeks. We told family at 10 and the rest of the kids at 13 weeks. We told them because they asked and I didn't want to lie to them. They were so excited. We also told them we were pretty sure they were girls. The boys didn't say much. They asked some questions. But Haleigh our youngest was so excited. She wanted those baby girls. She came up with a plan. I was going to feed one she was going to feed one, Madalyn would rock them to sleep and daddy would change all the diapers. She asked me to please not get the babies out until they were big enough to come home with us. She asked me to please not let them go to heaven. She's asked why a lot in the past few weeks. My answer is I don't know but that when we get to heaven we can ask Jesus.

Last night we went to a football game where my oldest son plays in the band. You would have thought it was baby night. There were babies everywhere. Haleigh asked me why other people got to have babies and outs had to go to heaven. I told her I don't know. She said she was sad. I told her it is ok to be sad. And to cry. She then asked who was feeding them and changing their diapers. I told her that her Grammy and Paw Paws were that are in heaven. She then asked if when we get to heaven if we can still feed them, and play with them, "because mommy I just want to play with my baby sisters and Joshua too" oh that made my heart hurt for her. She's only 4, she just wants her babies. The ones she was expecting to be born and come home. She's sad we will never have a baby at our house for her to feed and play with. I told her I was sorry and that I sad too. She told me that I will get to rock them in heaven. Just incase your wondering yes we were at the high school football game at the time, I'm sure people thought I was crazy sitting there with my child's head on my shoulder both of us whispering and crying. I wish we would have been anywhere else at that moment. But that's where she realized that other people had babies and  ours are in heaven and that that's not fair. 

I know she doesn't understand everything exactly. I hope one day she does. I hope my kids aren't scared to have their own children. I hope my daughters can and will enjoy their pregnancies without fear. I hope my sons will enjoy their wives being pregnant as much as their dad did.