This is my Journey of finding my way through grief. Of trying to find myself after losing 3 children in 8 months. Of finding a new normal life.
Monday, August 19, 2013
Moved from "after the storm" blog.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 13, 2013
Faith And Hope
This blog was started as a new beginning to be about Faith and Hope and so it is.
I know some of you who are coming to read this had no idea I was expecting. We as a family made the choice not to make the pregnancy public on Facebook and only told the people who are in our lives everyday. The post written before this one explains what was going on with my pregnancy.
I woke up and my children were getting ready to go to church with my sister. My mom and dad came to help get them there and I just felt off, but nothing had felt completely right since I had started leaking almost a week ago. I went to the bathroom and just felt different. And little cramps so I decided to go get checked out. My biggest fear in leaving the hospital was delivering the babies at home, so my mom and Madalyn took me back to the hospital. I was scared they would be seeing me in the ER since I was only 17.2 weeks. I called my dr on the way to the hospital but I got there faster than they called back. Luckily since I had just left L&D less than 48 hrs earlier the charge nurse in L&D had me sent up there.
Once there the nurse said things were the same with the babies as when I left on Friday. But thought I was probably constipated and the on call dr wanted to try a suppository, because I was not allowed to push at all. I was relived that the babies were ok so we went on to wait. An hour later the suppository worked, and my mom left to take Madalyn home. I had texted Jason and told him all was ok, then everything changed.
It came on pretty quickly. I started having intense cramps and feeling pressure. I looked at the clocked and realized my cramps were exactly 5mins apart. I called my nurse and told her I knew I was in labor and having contractions. I texted Jason a simple "I'm in labor". My nurse called my dr and the on call decided that my OB should be called 20 mins later I had my IV and some much needed pain meds. Dr.C came in and grabbed the ultrasound to see where the babies were. Both babies had heartbeats. Baby A Faith was sitting feet first in the birth canal. While he was doing the scan her water broke and I had no choice but To push the urge was overwhelming. Of course her being so little she was able to be born feet first with no problem. Dr.C moved quickly to see if he could feel enough cervix to save Baby B Hope. Instead he just told me how sorry he was but that I was completely dilated and she was going to be born as well. I expected that once Faith was born that Hope would follow since it was her water that had been leaking for a week. I pushed once and she was also born. They both passed into the arms of Jesus in the same moment they were born. They were wrapped in a single small blanket and given to me. They were so incredibly small. I expected them to be about the size Joshua was and even though Dr.C said they were much smaller I didn't expect them to be that small. I loved them intensely and cried for the future they would never have. I held them for about 5 minutes before Jason came in the room. Apparently he had gotten there in the middle of delivery and I said no when they asked if he could come back. I honestly don't remember that part, but I know when I was holding them they asked and I said yes, he was there moments after. I let the nurse take the babies after about 10 minutes because I was having some complications in delivering the placenta. They worked on me for about 45 minutes, and decided to do an ultrasound the next morning to see if I needed surgery. But they had gotten my bleeding under control. But I was still to be on bed rest. By that time my mom and sister were there and they gave me some more pain meds and let them hold the babies. A little while later my night nurse the same one I had with Joshua came back to get the girls and take pictures of them and wrap them in the blankets my mom had made. I was asked if I wanted them to have the diapers I had made and donated but even the small ones were too big for them as the only weighed 3&3/4 ounces each. I said no because I have diapers made already at home already to send to heaven with them. I spent most of the night with them. Taking pictures of them, we decided to not call Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep this time as I felt I could do the pictures myself, something I was not prepared to do with Joshua. I was in a lot of pain around around 1am so I asked the nurse to take the girls and I got some sleep.
I slept in a drug induced state most the night, woke only to be given more meds. I woke early and asked for the girls and took more picture. I wanted to be sure to never forget home small and perfect they were. I spent a final 3 hours with saying goodbye, memorizing their faces, fingers, and toes. I gave them to the nurse who was so sweet with her kind words and loving hugs. I was then taken to ultrasound, the scan showed retaining placenta so I would need to have surgery around noon. Everyone took really good care of me, my surgery went well however I lost a lot of blood and woke up in a panic and was given meds to calm down, I slept until 6pm. I was finally able to eat when I woke up. I had to spend the night again in the hospital, and was released with 2 white memory boxes for the girls and pictures the nurse had taken the day they were born.
We have decided to lay them to rest with Joshua at Forrest Lawn. The 3 of them are together in Heaven awaiting the day when we can all be together again when Jesus takes us all home.