Thursday, August 29, 2013


I am either awake and can't sleep, or so tired that I can't stay awake. There is no in-between. I recently realized that the sleep medicine Unisom and the allergy medicine Benadryl are the same. Its also the same as the Medicine I was given when I was pregnant mixed with Vitamin B helps with morning/ all day sickness. So instead of buying 50mg tablets of Unisom, I took 3 10mg of morning sickness medicine. It took about 45 minutes to start working, but it did make me sleep..... and sleep..... and sleep. I was later getting the kids up for school and after they left I took a nap until Haleigh woke up. I am still so sleepy, this is worse than if I had not gotten any sleep. I use to take 2 pills every night before bed when I was pregnant with Faith and Hope, and it didn't make me super tired, just made me feel better. So I got 30mg of the active medicine n sleep aids, can you imagine what I would be feeling like if I had bought the 50mg tablets? I would probably still be sleeping..... and sleeping. They also still allowed me to dream... I hate dreaming. I either dream happy dreams that all 3 of my babies are alive and home with me... and I wake up only to realize that not even one of them is and my heart is crushed all over again. Or I will dream of the day I had them, sometimes its exactly as it was that day, sometimes its different, harder for some reason. In those dreams I am hurting in my dreams, my heart hurts when I wake up and sometimes when I wake up from these dreams I'm already crying. So I'd rather not dream at all. The only time I get Dreamless sleep is when I take the medicine the doctor gave me to sleep. Xanax, I was told not to take it every night though. But that 2-3 times a week is ok. I know why not every night. Its a highly addictive drug and I dont want to become dependent on it. In a way I already am dependent on drugs.... not big bad crack or anything, but I can not sleep without some kind of help so I am dependent on a sleep aid of some kind to sleep, that's dependency. Maybe one day I wont need it, and my dreams won't be filled with the worse days of my life. but for now they are. And for now I need the sleep to function, I cant be this tired everyday, I do have children who need me to function during the day after sleeping.

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