A little understanding

That's what I wish I had a little understanding. I have none.

I don't know why God has planned my life the way he did. I do know that my life was laid out before I was born and that everything that has happened was in his plan. I don't understand what I am suppose to do with the life he's given me. Right now I see my life as a mess and dead end, I don't pretend I know what I'm suppose to be doing or what in the world "free will" has to do with anything if God had my life planned then I can make no mistakes. But I still have choices. Whatever I chose is right. But somethings feel wrong anyway. 

When I was pregnant with Joshua, maybe I was suppose to try harder. Maybe despite my bleeding I was suppose to ask for more labor stopping drugs. Maybe I was suppose to do nothing instead of speeding up labor, maybe the bleeding would have stopped along wit my labor. I don't know, I listened to my drs warring of my death and I took drugs to hurry labor along. 

Maybe I should have gotten a 4th opinion on putting a stitch in my cervix with the girls. The whole time I felt I had a cervical issue. And that Joshua birth was not a fluke. I was right. Maybe I should have pushed harder. Maybe I should have demanded to stay in the hospital after I had been there 4 days with no change. I stayed in be just as I did in the hospital. I didn't do anything different, but maybe the ride home was too stressful. Maybe being home was too stressful. Maybe I should not have taken the suppository that morning. Maybe......maybe......maybe ......

There is no end to it. Now there is more choices to be made. Do I continue to let God plan out family size or do I stop my self. I got a Depo shot in the hospital after asking for my tubes to be tied and them not being able to after the amount of blood I loss during my D&C. I decided on Depo and tubal ASAP. Is that in Gods plan. I had thought I would never get them tied. I also never thought I would burry 3 children in 8 months. I know I can't keep burring children. At the rate I'm going soon I will have more angle babies than live children.  

I realized yesterday I have 8 children. 4 boys and 4 girls. That seems perfect to me. Even all the way around. I think I'm going to keep it that way. I really hope God agrees with me on that.