Change

That word scares most people. Change. I have been through a lot of different changes in my life. Going from a child to a mother, learning to be a wife, learning how to be a grown up instead of a child. All of it changes you, we all change everyday. I however have changed in ways I never thought I would. I am simply not the same person I was 9 months ago.

Joshua's birth triggered a different person in me. One that was more controlling, there was no control in what happened with him. It was all so fast I didn't have time to process anything that was happening until it had already happened. I was in such a shock that my baby had died that the world had seemed to stop, when the fog lifted I felt left behind on so much. Christmas had past, I don't ever remember what Santa brought last year. We spent New Years with my Sister in Law, I don't remember what we did there. My nieces Had birthdays in January, February, and March. I remember the one in March, the other two I don't. We had Valentines Day, we had Mardi Gras. We went to church, Haleigh had surgery, My kids were playing sports and going to school. All these things happened and I remember very little of any of it. I think sometimes.... Where was I. And then I remember I was in a fog of daily life. Going through the motions, trying to be there for everyone else, and failing. I controlled what I could. Cleaning, cooking, where my kids were, when they could do things. What I really wanted was to go back and control what had happened, to understand it a little better.

When I found out we were having twins 5 months after Joshua died, I felt somewhat in Control. I felt that this was my chance to make thing right, to restore who I once was, to have happiness fill in some of the sadness. Although Joshua would always be my angel, I was prepared to have a rainbow, to have the clouds lift away and focus on a little bit of happiness for a while. And for a while we did. I got to enjoy being pregnant with twins for a few weeks, even though I was scared for me and for them. I just couldn't believe anything as bad as what happened with Joshua would happen again to the same person. That would be like lightening striking the same place twice right? I was thinking the worse thing that was going to happen in that pregnancy would be having them 12 or more weeks early. I never thought they would die too. I never let that thought enter my mind for more than a minute or two, and then it was only when the kids asked "mommy, are the twins going to die too." I told them the truth, that we would do everything to try and not let that happen, but that was up to God, and the plan he has for our lives, it is not really up to me, but we were hoping and praying that we would be bringing two babies home before Christmas.
Why did I not listen to my own warnings, that we were not sure.  I guarded my children's hearts as much as I could, but I left mine open. I loved my girls from the first little flickers of their hearts beating, even before I knew there were two, I loved them both.

There birth has changed me, I don't have much control over things in my life right now, things are much different than they were when Joshua was born. But, I'm angry, pissed off at most of the world at the moment actually. I will never be the person I was 9 months ago, I will never be the person I became after Joshua, I will never be the person I was a month ago. That person is not here any more. At the moment I'm not sure who I am, I know I am an angry, bitter person right now. I know that wont last forever, those are my feelings though and I will own them. I will not pretend I am the same, I will not pretend I am not angry.

Some people in my life don't understand and honestly, unless you've buried your baby, you just don't understand, and I am glad that you don't, I wish no one understood, this is not a club you want to be apart of.

I have a right to feel how I feel, I have a right to be angry, to be moody. I think sometimes people forget, I was pregnant, I had twins 2 weeks ago. Its not that I want to be home all day, its that physically, I cant be out half the night friday night and then feel like being out all day saturday too. If I had given birth to live children, two weeks ago no one would expect me to be doing half the stuff I am doing now. Going to Football games, going to Wal-Mart, going to Church. Getting out of the house for a little while is not a problem, but expecting me to be able to do everything I did before, just 2 weeks after giving birth to twins and then having surgery the next day is a little over board. I wish people would just understand that. My hormones are everywhere, just like anyone else who just had a baby. My babies died, my emotions are everywhere. When someone loses their Husband/Wife, their Mom or Dad, we don't push them to go out and "get over it" so why do people expect me to be ok? Why do people expect me to "get on with my life"? I want to scream "Its only been 2 weeks"

Things will never be the same, but it doesn't mean they have to be bad. Yes right now is bad. I can't see the good in any of this right now. I don't think any mother can see the good in having 3 children die in 8 months. Where is the good in that? I do know that things will keep changing. I will keep changing. I know I won't always be so angry, I know I will always be sad. I know I won't alway hurt so much, I know I will always miss them and think of them everyday. I know that there will be more good days than bad days one day, I know that for now there are no good days. I know that one day it will not hurt so much to leave the house, I know that right now it hurts too much to go out everyday physically, mentally, emotionally its draining.

I don't know exactly who I am going to be in a month or a year from now, I don't know that person yet. I do know that, that person is not who I am now, and is not who I was last year. I know that I will not let what has happened to me control me. I know that I will be stronger.

I dont believe in the "other side of grief". You know the saying. "you will come out the other side of this a better person"? Well I don't think there is another side to losing your child. I believe it take you whole life and it changes as you go, and you get stronger and your able to handle things better as time goes on. Things get different, but the thoughts and the love of the children that grew wings before they grew lungs will always be there. The grief gets different and easier to deal with as time passes, but it never goes away.