Survival

That"s kind of what this feels like, I'm just trying to survive.

Did you know you can pass out from pain? Did you know you can be in so much pain that you stop feeling it? Well both are true. I don't deal well with physical pain. I am a wimp actually. I have cried over a twisted ankle and swore it was broken. Physically Faith and Hope's delivery was the most painful. No time for any pain medicine, my nurse was actually out of the room getting me a shot of pain medicine when Faith was born, she was pushing in the shot when Hope was born. It was a really quick delivery, but with out any relief from the pain and knowing after Faith was born that I wasn't done made the physical pain worse. They were my only completely drug free delivery. I don't recommend that doe anyone who is as a wimp as I am about pain, but I can say I survived. I didn't pass out, I didn't die, and I didn't stop feeling the pain.

Now that the physical pain (for the most part) is gone, the pain is emotional. I miss my kids, I want them with me. I long to hold them. And I never will again, not in this world. Sometimes it feels like physical pain, when my heart hurts and has my heart in knots, my chest aches. But, I know it heartache. Being that I can't control when I start feeling this way makes me nervous about going out, somethings trigger feelings, seeing newborns, hearing them cry, and seeing hugely pregnant women none of that is good for me. I feel like I'm just surviving right now. Not really living or participating in life at all, but going through the motions to be alive and vaguely being here for the people that are around me. Just Surviving day to day life and its exhausting. When Joshua was born there were days that I didn't think I would survive the pain I was in. The pain was so intense and started on day 1, that sometimes I thought, I would not live through it, it was impossible. When the girls were born, I think I went into complete shock, I had cried a lot, I was sad, but the intense pain that I felt with Joshua wasn't there. Instead I was angry. Angry at everyone, for everything. That Anger has lifted some, but it has been replaced with that deep intense sadness that I had those first few weeks with Joshua. The anger came later with him. Things remind me of my girls everyday. I look at their pictures. I ordered a photo book that will be here next week, on just my babies with wings. I try to remember that they were no bigger than my hand, I try to forget how silent it was in the room when they were born. I try to remember how perfect their feet and fingers were, I try to forget that those fingers will never wrap around mine and that I will never hear those feet running down the hall. So much I never want to forget, and so much I try to never think about. Its all apart of survival.

Surviving the unthinkable twice in less than a year. I've herd some people think I'm strong.... I'm not. I have no choice but to survive this. I am a mother and while three of my children didn't make it into this world alive, 5 of them did, I survive for them. They need me that need is stronger than my pain.