Thursday, August 15, 2013

Where to write

I'm having a hard time knowing where to post my blog now. I started one for my girls that was suppose to be about new beginnings. And well it feels wrong to post my grief there. I know the address to this blog is Joshua's name but this blog is about my grief and since I'm starting over with my journey to finding some kind of happiness I've thought about starting a complete different one but ya know what that just takes a lot of work and time and I don't have it in me. So I've decided to post it here. If one day I come out of this in some kind of happiness Maybe I will post things over there. I will be moving the girls ultrasound pictures and story over from their blog soon.

I miss them. I had only just started to feel them move. I was looking forward to trying to decide who was moving when. I was just letting myself get excited about them. Picking out little clothes. I had not bought them anything. I thought it would be easier not to have anything to pack away. I was wrong. Yes I have a box of Joshua's things that will never be given away or used but I don't have that for my girls. I should have bought them matching Bowes or onesies as soon as I found out they were girls. Just something. But I didn't. But it's not easier because I didn't. 

I've come to realize you can't protect yourself. I tried but I still hurt as deeply as I did when Joshua was born. I still feel the sadness, the loneliness of not having them anymore. The pain of having breast milk and no baby to feed. It's there. Nothing I did protected me from this pain. 

I wish I could hide. I don't want to go out and see people. I want to scream. How is the world still turning? Why has the world not stopped cant the world see I'm in pain. How is it that the world can keep going on like nothing has happened? I still have to get my kids ready for school and they start in 3 days. We should get extra time. They should get extra summer days since the last 3 weeks of their summer has been a nightmare. I know they are hurting. I don't pretend I'm the only one here in pain. But it's hard to be there for anyone else when all you want to do is get in bed and never get out. I try to face the world and its too hard. 

Maybe it's good that the kids are going to school next week they need to e around people who can laugh and have fun with them. Because that surely isn't me right now. After they go to school I won't have to smile all day long. I can show my sadness more. 

My almost 5yr said this to me today. 

Mommy when we have another baby and it dies can we have pink flowers? 

I was so sad. Babies dying is normal for her. She has only been around me pregnant and the babies always die. The only words that would come out of my mouth were "maybe". I wanted to tell her not all babies die. I wanted to tell her it was ok. I just couldn't with out crying so I just said maybe. The truth is I will never be pregnant again. I begged for a tubal while in the hospital and got a Depo shot instead and will be having a tubal soon. I can't burry another child of mine. I'm going crazy now. 3 kids in 8 months have died because of my stupid uterus and cervix. I can't do it again. This is it for me. I will not do this to myself, my living children or anymore helpless little babies. It's not fair to any of us. 

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